


Person By The Bedside

by lotus above mud (frostmoongoddess)



Series: Seisaikara [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Broken Promises, Canon-Typical Violence, Diary/Journal, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hokage Wedding, Jutsu, Kekkei Genkai | Bloodline Limit, Kid Hatake Kakashi, Letters, Ninken | Ninja Dogs, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Past Relationship(s), Promises, Relationship(s), Secret Relationship, chapter 3 is the smut chapter, every chapter comes with a song to listen to, slight AU where Kakashi had more help in his ANBU days, trying to make this as canon compliant as i can but it probably won't work out well, wish there was an official Naruto timeline i've gone through like five different ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 66,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostmoongoddess/pseuds/lotus%20above%20mud
Summary: “Fate urges my heart to forget you and drown who I used to be. While talking in my sleep, I dream of binding the pages of our lives into a book. Instead, I wake up to an unfulfilled promise. So what if we are not fated? Fortune and misfortune overturn one another…”Years ago, Kakashi made a promise to his comrade. It was a promise he had broken before, but he was determined to keep it this time. Despite everything, fate continues to be especially cruel to him. The man who lost everything loses more than he could ever imagine. Time moves on, but he still flutters back to the pages of the past despite starting a new chapter of his life. Until one day, the impossible happens, and Kakashi begins to write his story away from fate’s design…
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Seisaikara [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983452
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	1. The Soft Kunoichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! I was inspired by the song "Person By The Bedside" by Tiger Hu from the drama "Eternal Love of Dream". Took me a while to find a translation that I liked, so please give it a listen sometime while reading this! It's also just a pretty song in general. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEGCKSwWTR0&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=1  
> anyways, for context, this is right before the Sasuke Recovery Arc.

“She’s not going to be happy about that,” Kakashi told the three jōnin discussing their latest assigned mission. He happened to overhear them as he walked by and caught her name in their mouths. 

The three jōnin abruptly stopped and momentarily stared at Kakashi. He turned to face the trio with his hands in his pockets.

“What makes you say that, Kakashi?” One of them asked.

“I know her. She doesn’t like being a field medic,” Kakashi answered plainly.

“Then why call herself a medical ninja in the first place? Why even get to the level of jōnin?” Another huffed as he folded his arms. “Monju never backed away from missions. Seems like his little sister is way different.”

Gūzō Monju. Hearing that name again after so long made Kakashi’s hands clench into fists. Luckily, they were safely hidden deep in his pockets, so the jōnin in front of him didn’t notice. He was also thankful that his heart was buried deep in the body and underneath his clothes since he felt it slightly ache. If these jōnin saw how he really felt, what would they think of him?

“Don’t say that! Like it or not, she’s one of the better medics around,” the third jōnin countered. “I’d be relieved if she agrees.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing! I just think she’d be more useful out  _ there —  _ ” the second gestured with his arm vaguely upwards and away from his body. “ — than in the hospital! She should’ve just joined the Medic Corps instead of shirking missions!”

“If you ask me, I think the Medic Corps folk like her so much, they’ll protect her whenever she does get assigned to be in the field,” the first one said. 

Kakashi knew that wasn’t a lie. He had seen it before. The Third Hokage used to pretend the name  _ “Gūzō Kanzeon” _ never existed for abroad missions and exclusively assigned her to missions within the village. A few months ago, she had been assigned to an A-rank mission, but one of the Medic Corps captains managed to get her assigned to treating some priority, critical patients. Perhaps the hospital had never seen someone practically beg them to be assigned something and lent Kanzeon their grace.

“Isn’t there anyone else they can assign?” Kakashi asked.

“Nope! You know the village is running thin on shinobi after Orochimaru’s attack. The Medic Corps can run around all they want and make up something for her, but they won’t get far. Got this so she can’t run away.”

A slip of paper unraveled right in front of Kakashi’s eye. Sure enough, it was a roster for all the shifts at the hospital written that very morning. All filled — even the volunteer tasks. A second roll cascaded over the first. This time, a list of the few ninjas capable of medical jutsu and their current assigned missions. This guy had to have copied them or something since Kakashi knew this kind of document didn’t exist so readily. Still, it was hard proof. Kanzeon couldn’t get out of this mission even if she tried. Shame.

“She’s got no choice now!” the jōnin exclaimed half-triumphantly as if their mission — whatever it was — has already been completed.

“Either way, she’s too soft for her own good,” commented the one jōnin who defended Kanzeon, shaking her head and sighing. “We don’t need to show her that list from the hospital. Once she knows there’s no one else, she’ll go. She never turns her back on people in need. I heard the last time she was sent out, she did something that prevented her from using Chakra to protect the  _ daimyō _ ’s niece. Whatever it was, it still worked. Without her, that mission definitely would’ve failed. Like it or not, she’s good in the field.” 

Kakashi noticed that he had taken a sharp inhale. He held his breath for a moment, glancing between the three jōnin to see if they caught his sudden reaction. 

He remembered the night. He had just completed his own mission when he ran into Kanzeon’s team heading back to report the mission success. He remembered Kanzeon being carried on the back of one of her teammates. He had run up to them to ask what was wrong, and they told him how they had been attacked by rogue bandit ninja. While the three of them were fighting, Kanzeon ran to protect the niece and her newborn baby. 

_ “I almost thought she betrayed us,”  _ said the jōnin that carried Kanzeon as he let Kakashi take over.  _ “But then I saw the Chakra around their bodies. It was like a shell of some sort, and she could barely fight as a result.” _

_ “Lucky she did whatever she did. I kind of want to learn that jutsu. I knew Monju could do it, too.” _

_ “You can’t,”  _ Kakashi had told them abruptly as he made sure to hold Kanzeon securely against his back. He used one hand to reach behind him and nudge her long black hair, cascading over their right shoulders. The ribbon holding her ponytail together had slipped so low, it was at Kakashi’s chest.  _ “It’s their  _ kekkei genkai _.” _

And that shut them up. The Copy Ninja himself telling them they couldn’t learn it. He didn’t lie that night, but had they continued, he would have.

“But it’s like Kakashi said, she won’t be happy.” 

Those words snapped Kakashi back to the present. 

“Hey, Kakashi! Do you mind delivering this to her since she likes you? I’ll just report to the assignment desk that you’re doing it,” one of the jōnin asked, throwing a scroll that either detailed the mission or summoned her to the Fifth Hokage. Kakashi held up his right hand and caught it overhand. 

“And this! So she can’t argue about getting out!” The jōnin with the two roster scrolls tossed them at Kakashi.

Holding the first scroll with his index finger and thumb, he caught one scroll between his middle and ring finger and the other between his ring and pinky finger. 

“It’s Kakashi and Kanzeon!” The remaining jōnin teased as Kakashi placed the scrolls in his pocket. “He doesn’t need much to convince her. He convinced her to go on her last mission.”

The three jōnin burst into snickers, and Kakashi had to resist the urge to scoff. He felt his cheeks grow hot under his mask, but he couldn’t stop the grin on his hidden lips. They had  _ no  _ idea.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” he asked with a raise of his brow as he looked up to the jōnin. He kept his voice as cool and eye as bored as possible. 

The jōnin quickly stifled their laughter, but he could see them glancing between each other. 

“Nothing, nothing!” They all waved their hands dismissively.

“Well, I’ll be off then.” Kakashi turned, shoving his hands into his pockets again.

“You better make her go!” One of them exclaimed.

“Good luck telling Lady Hokage if you don’t!” Another added. 

“He doesn’t need luck when he’s got  _ lo-o-ove _ ,” the third said to his team, probably thinking Kakashi was out of earshot. He heard them all burst into muffled laughter, but he kept walking. 

* * *

_ “Are you sure we should be doing this?” Kakashi asked, glancing upwards at Monju. “It doesn’t seem professional.” _

_ “You’re overthinking it,” replied the tall, dark-haired shinobi. “It is what it is. You’re coming to my place for dinner and meeting my sister. This stuff is normal. It’s got nothing to do with work.” _

_ “Do I have to? I’ve already met her, and she sounds like she’s become unbearable.” _

_ “She’s a little sister, that’s just how they are.” _

_ “It’s not just from you. I hear it everywhere. A kunoichi who’s always assigned a mission in the hospital without a team. Specifically requested by the Medic Corps. Lord Hokage must really like her to let her do all that.” _

_ “Eh, it’s a family thing.” Monju shrugged. “Our dad was good friends with Lord Hokage. Guess you could say he’s got a soft spot for us, especially Kanzeon. Lord Hokage always calls Kanzeon a poppy flower since she looks so delicate. He even used to tease her and give her a poppy flower from somewhere if he ran into her.” _

_ “Cute,” Kakashi commented plainly. He didn’t want to make the obvious crude joke about flowers and deflowering there. _

_ “You shouldn’t underestimate her, Kakashi. After all, she is a jōnin at fourteen.” _

_ Kakashi glanced to the side. He knew to curb his tongue when it came to things like rank or skill. Besides, thinking of his accomplishments meant recounting his failures. And his failures far outweighed his accomplishments. But Kakashi was sixteen and bold. In his eyes, her promotion to jōnin was only because of the attack of the Nine-Tailed Beast a couple years ago. Her promotion was just one of many to make the village seem resilient. But what was he to know? Wasn’t he also a product of the cruel world that forced children to grow up way too fast? Wasn't he watching those dark secrets unfold before his own eyes? _

_ “Still, you always say she’s softhearted. And then there’s you.” _

_ “Don’t get it twisted. She gets it from me.” _

_ Kakashi glanced upwards at Monju, furrowing his brows. No way Gūzō Monju, Kuma of the Anbu, was softhearted. Even though Kakashi had never seen Monju fight, Monju’s stature and demeanor demanded respect. As the two young men walked down an emptying street, he could see Monju bidding everyone good evening with a charismatic smile and wave. Dusk enveloped the village, and the two turned onto a narrow, vacant street. As the shadows fell over them, Kakashi noticed Monju’s smile erode, replaced with the face Kakashi knew well enough. Combined with his height and form, this Monju looked threatening — scary, even. Monju seemed to have three interchangeable masks.  _

_ “How?” Kakashi asked with a mix of abruptness and incredulity.  _

_ “I know we’ve been on a lot of missions together, but you’ve surely noticed before that I am only there to heal. I am exclusively defensive. Lord Hokage knows that, too. In fact, I even told him I wasn’t going to join if I wasn’t an exclusive Anbu medic.” _

_ “But I know you’ve killed before.” Kakashi had requested of Lord Hokage several times for Monju to officially be a part of his Team Ro, but Lord Hokage said that Monju was an asset to be used everywhere and that Team Ro didn’t need Monju all for themselves. But Kakashi had to admit, Monju was good — if not, the best. _

_ “I only kill when the other person is trying to kill me. I told you, I’m always on the defense. You know, Lord Hokage summoned me last year. I thought it was going to be a mission, but it turns out that he wanted to recruit Kanzeon after the attack.” _

‘What?!’  _ Kakashi couldn’t believe his ears. Kanzeon? As an Anbu? What was Lord Hokage even thinking? The girl who cried when Kakashi summoned his ninken because she thought they were adorable? The girl who hated the fact that her brother was an Anbu because of what they had to do? _

‘She loves her brother but hates what he does. What is she going to think of me?’  _ The question settled deep in Kakashi’s heart like a rock thrown into a lake. How much more could he take before the bottom of the lake gave out under the weight of the tons of stone resting upon it? _

_ “Just remember that this isn’t the little Kanzeon you met years ago. She’s grown up now.” _

‘She’s fourteen. How different could she have gotten?’  _ Kakashi scoffed in his head. _

_ As the two of them entered the apartment building and ascended the staircase up to the siblings’ apartment, Kakashi pictured Kanzeon in his head. The first and last time he saw her, she was a timid creature with short, black hair cut in a bob at her chin and dark almond eyes wide with curiosity. For a moment, the face of another young girl flashed before his eyes. Kakashi just squeezed his eyes shut and pictured little Kanzeon again.  _

_ That was six years ago, and Kakashi had just been promoted to jōnin. Kanzeon still had to be a genin. Kakashi met Kanzeon, who hid behind her older brother as the two boys conversed and gave him a meek  _ “hello”  _ when Monju made her greet him. And from what Kakashi had heard, Kanzeon hadn’t changed much since. He was expecting that little girl. _

_ “You’ll like her,” Monju said confidently as he pulled the key out of his pocket, but Kakashi felt a chill run down his spine when the older Anbu suddenly snap his head to glare at him and added in a growl, “But even if you don’t, you better pretend you do. She’s my sister, and she comes before my comrades.” _

_ “Y-yes, sir,” Kakashi uttered. He felt like such an idiot. He was a captain for Kami’s sake. But Monju was practically an older brother to him, so those words cut deeper than Kakashi wanted them to. _

_ Besides, Kakashi didn’t want another girl in his life. His fists clenched tightly at the bitter reminder, and his arms began to shake at the intensity of his own strength.  _

_ “Hey.” Kakashi felt the back of Monju’s hand hit his shoulder. _

_ He looked up, and Monju’s face suddenly lightened, smiling brightly at him. The mask of happiness.  _

_ “It’ll be alright. I promise she’s nice! Besides, you two have a lot more in common than you might think.” _

_ Kakashi wondered if Monju knew what he was truly feeling or just misinterpreting him. With that, Monju turned the door handle and pushed the door open. _

* * *

Kakashi knocked three times on Kanzeon’s door. He then took a few steps back, placing his right hand back into his pocket. He glanced around the familiar hall. At this time of day, everybody would be out helping to rebuild, so he didn’t have to worry about another presence. After all, the only one he cared about was behind the door. He heard the quick but soft thuds. A brief pause as he imagined her glancing through the peephole. The three clicks as she unlocked and opened the door. He stared at the growing space between the door and its frame, his gaze slightly downward for the perfect spot where he knew her head would appear.

And there she was, in a t-shirt that was way too big for her (probably Monju’s, if Kakashi had to guess since he never left anything at her place). He took a moment to take in her radiant smile and the glow of joy in her eyes behind her large, circular glasses. The two of them had gone through so much pain, but he was almost jealous of how she could continue to shine so brightly. At the same time, he knew that when those waves of indescribable agony took over, she fell apart.

His eyes followed the long cascade of black hair over her left shoulder to her thighs. That shirt was practically a dress on her, and he bit his lip at the tempting question of whether or not she was wearing shorts under that.

“Mind if I come in?” he asked, meeting her curious eyes again.

“Of course not!” Kanzeon stepped aside and opened the door wider for him. “What brings you around?”

Kakashi sat down at the bench in her entryway, taking off his shoes and placing them on the top shelf of her shoe rack. He then reached into the shelf below and pulled out his pair of slippers. He also took off his flak jacket, sitting it on a hook over the shoe rack. 

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news?” he asked.

“Bad,” she responded as she walked out of the entryway. 

Kakashi followed her into the living room. He saw her tilt her head back and swing her thick bundle of hair over her shoulder. He stopped in his tracks for a second to allow that raven whip to take its place, swishing back and forth before it rested against her back and sitting still right above her waist. Kakashi made the mistake of falling into her hair’s path before, and he knew its potential as a weapon — and he knew she knew it, too. Kakashi knew Kanzeon always put her hair in a braid for field missions, and he could only imagine the kind of pain that braid had. He didn’t even want to think about if she infused her hair with chakra for a more powerful whip.

“Well, the bad news is, you’ve been summoned by Lady Tsunade,” Kakashi answered, taking out the scroll and tossing it to her before he sat beside her on one of her sofas.

He watched her soft, elegant hands unravel and read the scroll. He didn’t dare read over her shoulder. He could only think of his own hands, rough and calloused. Stained red with blood for all eternity. And yet she allowed him to touch that pure skin with them. 

“Isn’t there anyone else they can assign?” Kanzeon let out a sigh. 

Kakashi let out a chuckle and told her, “I asked that very same question. The answer is no. They even have rosters of all the shinobi capable of medical jutsu, and you’re the only one left.”

Kanzeon sighed again, putting the scroll on her coffee table in front of them. 

“So what’s the good news?” she asked, turning her head to look at him.

“The good news is the same thing except I would’ve sounded happy for you.”

Kanzeon let out of a huff of air for a laugh, and she smiled as she shoved her shoulder against his. A shove from her would never budge Kakashi, but he chose to play along and lean away from her, grabbing her waist and pulling her against him as they laid down. Her head laid against his chest, and he wondered if she could hear his heart race. Calm, cool Kakashi’s heart racing. 

What they had, they never dared to name it. Kakashi’s life was always on the line. And technically hers too, but they both knew she preferred the comfort of the hospital than the perils of the field. What they had depended on his life, and he couldn't bear to bring upon her the pain of his death. He didn't want to be another stone sinking to the bottom of her heart. 

He often questioned that decision since they were already partners and lovers, but titles had power. Did he deserve to be considered hers after everything he had done? His hand lifted and sat on her head. He ran his hand down her hair over and over again, not wanting to get up. 

“Do you think I should go?” Kanzeon asked him, the warmth and richness of her voice causing slight vibrations against his chest. 

“Yes and no,” he responded as he twirled a lock of her hair around his finger. 

The black spiral twirled loose again when Kanzeon moved her head to rest her chin on his chest, her eyes peering curiously into his. 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Yes, as in you should go because it’s your duty, especially now. And no, as in I want to stay like this for a while.”

Kanzeon let out another huff of air from her nose as her face brightened into another smile, and Kakashi was almost disappointed when she turned her head away to rest her cheek against his chest.

“So what was the mission you went on?” she asked him.

“Oh, just the usual for me. Investigating a threat in a neighboring land. Took care of it sooner than expected, and I thought I’d spend these free moments with you before I officially end the mission and get assigned a new one.”

“What about your genin? Are they alright? I heard they went on a mission without you!”

“I just got back today, so you know more than me. I just know they were sent on a mission to the Land of Tea, and Ibiki looked pleased when I ran into him earlier.”

“Well, Sasuke got admitted into the hospital yesterday, but it’s nothing serious. Not sure what it’s like now that I’m not there, but he’ll be fine. In a couple days, he should be fit to do anything. Naruto and Sakura visited him when I was there, and they seemed perfectly fine.”

Kakashi let out a sigh of relief, but at the same time, a slight tremble of uneasiness stirred his stomach. Sasuke was never one to take failure lightly. Plus, Guy had filled him in on what happened while he was out from Itachi’s Tsukuyomi.

“Everything alright?” Kanzeon asked him.

“Just wondering. You could teach in the Academy or train your own genin instead of hiding in the hospital.” Kakashi then relaxed his arm and allowed it to fall into the side dip of her hourglass figure. He used his lower arm to trap her in his embrace. “I think you’d be good at it.”

“I may like kids, but I’m not sure if I have the heart for teaching or training,” she responded. “Besides, they might start off on the wrong mental and emotional foundation if they learn from me. The hospital’s the best place for me, even if it does get a little boring.”

A peaceful silence fell between them. Kakashi’s arms around her waist, Kanzeon’s head against his chest, the embrace of two lovers. She picked up those stones at the bottom of his heart, one by one. She could never truly clear that lakebed, but he was grateful to have even just the tiniest burden lifted from his chest thanks to her. When she was assigned any non-hospital missions, he could feel himself yearning for her return. No matter how much his genin made his day, if she wasn’t there to greet him at the end, he would go to sleep feeling as though he had forgotten something. All that, and he still couldn’t bring himself to say that simple sentence. He could say it now, but instead, he chose to plant a kiss on her forehead through his mask. 

“Hey, we shouldn’t keep Lady Hokage waiting,” he said to her, almost murmuring.

Kanzeon closed her eyes as she sighed. Kakashi felt the slight warmth of her breath and the tiny push of her long eyelashes against his chest. That told him that she accepted defeat. With his arms still wrapped around her, he sat up. Kanzeon then stood up from the sofa and walked off to her room to change.

“Hey, you shouldn’t wear that old shirt in public!” Kakashi advised. With a cheeky closing of his exposed eye that would've been a wink if not for his headband, he added, “It’s a little bit thin!”

Not that he was complaining, or anything. Kanzeon just looked over her shoulder. Her face scrunched up and she stuck her tongue out at him before shutting the door to her bedroom. Kakashi smiled as he stood up to get ready to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [k*m k*rd*sh**n voice]: i'm like subtly dropping hints that i'm buddhist  
> anyways thanks for reading this first chapter! the rest of the story is probably gonna be told in frequent flashbacks that tie in with the "present". not sure how to make this fit into the canon, but we've all done a puzzle where we are sure a piece fits there and even though it clearly doesn't, we still budge it in.  
> Some notes (and why i made that random joke):  
> -"Kanzeon" is the formal Japanese name of the Buddhist bodhisattva of compassion. In East Asian cultures, this bodhisattva is depicted as female. And yes, this is also a jutsu from Shippuden and if you've seen HxH, also Netero's 100-Type Guanyin Bodhisattva (Kanzeon is like a transliteration of Guanyin I believe?). I was originally gonna call Kanzeon "Kanjizai," which is another name in Japanese for Guanyin, and Kakashi would called her Kanji for short. And if he was really making fun of her, he'd call her "Alphabet" since ya know kanji, the writing system.  
> -"Monju" is the bodhisattva of wisdom. It sort of fits the general idea of who Monju the character is. Monju the bodhisattva is depicted wielding swords and riding lions to symbolize wisdom "taming" the wild, ignorant mind. Fits with Monju being an Anbu but only for purely medical reasons. He's also just naturally better at being a shinobi than Kanzeon.


	2. Lover's Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, im back with another song rec. This is the first ending from Natsume's Book of Friends. Kakashi's VA plays a main character (a fat cat named Madara — oof — or mostly called Nyanko-sensei), and he even did a cover of the outro! It's a very pretty song, very relaxing, and very fitting for this chapter (and story as a whole): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKgmWvQHjk8  
> I really struggled between Person By The Bedside and this song (Summer Evening Sky) for the epigraph of this story. Well! Now there's two songs for this story you can casually listen to while reading.

_[Monju and Kanzeon's Apartment](https://imgur.com/a/eE3Z7H3) _

* * *

_“Kanzeon! I’m home!” Monju exclaimed from the entryway._

_Kakashi noticed a bench, so he sat down to take off his shoes. Monju simply placed his hand against the wall and slipped his shoes off, quickly dropping them on the shoe rack by the door._

_“I’m in the kitchen!” came the reply. Kakashi was almost stunned. That didn't sound like a little girl. There was a richness to it that even some adult women didn't have._

_“You can wait in the living room,” Monju said to Kakashi. “It's just to the right.”_

_The two young men passed through the open doorway and into the living space. Kakashi could see the kitchen ahead. He saw a figure with long black hair in the kitchen, but Monju directed his attention to the living room to their right. Kakashi walked past the little dining space. He noticed a door on the right wall and an open hallway of sorts with two doors on opposite ends. He noticed framed photographs decorating the white walls. It was a comfortable place. A home._

_Kakashi sat down on the sofa in the living room, gazing around. The apartment itself was rather open, and he couldn't help but overhead the Gūzō siblings’ conversation in the kitchen._

_“I brought a friend over. Do we have enough?” Kakashi heard Monju ask._

_“Ooo, a friend?” came a teasing response._

_“Not that kind of friend. I work with them. And it's a guy. Do we have enough for a third?” Monju didn't sound amused._

_“Yeah, we do. This is enough for today and tomorrow. I just finished marinating, but I still need to cook it.”_

_“I'll cook_ and _plate it. Go put on something longer underneath that shirt and greet him.”_

 _“Me?! Why do I have to? He's_ your _guest!”_

 _“_ Our _guest. He’s in_ our _place. We’re host and hostess. Now go.”_

_Kakashi heard Kanzeon complain and urge her brother some more and tuned out of that conversation. He stood up and took a look at the pictures on the walls since he didn't want to turn on the little television. Some were paintings of flowers and fields. He ended up at that little square hallway space with the two doors. The wall between the doors had a collection of actual pictures. One was a family portrait, but Monju was a child and Kanzeon had yet to be born. Their parents had soft, regal smiles. Another picture was from (Kakashi assumed) to be Monju’s graduation from the Academy. Kanzeon was a toddler being carried in their mother’s arms next to a young Monju with his brand new headband. A picture of them and their father with the Third Hokage. A more recent picture of Kanzeon and Monju, but Kakashi couldn't really make much of it. Their faces were bright and squinty from their seemingly mischievous smiles, and the picture wasn't at all formal since they both threw up peace signs with their faces way too close to be a portrait._

_Kakashi stopped looking at the pictures when he sensed a presence behind him. He turned around and laid eyes on Kanzeon for the first time in seven years._

_Her black hair fell just above her elbows. Her face had slimmed, but her eyes were as wide as ever. A pair of large circular glasses sat high on her nose. Her full pink lips were slightly parted. And then Kakashi noticed that she wasn't wearing a dress. It was a baggy t-shirt. He was sixteen and bold, and his gaze trailed down to the shirt’s hem at her thighs. Kakashi felt his face grow hot under his mask as he quickly forced his eye up to hers, but she noticed already._

_“Uh, h-hi!” she squeaked, her voice way higher than when he heard her in the kitchen. “Sorry, I have to get to my room!”_

_She brushed past his left shoulder, and Kakashi turned his head to follow her. She opened the door on his left, and he could see a dimly lit bedroom before the door shut. Left by himself again, Kakashi blinked a couple times._

_Kanzeon was definitely not that little girl anymore. Kakashi dragged himself to the sofa and sat down with his mind in the clouds. He leaned back, his head resting on the top of the sofa. He resisted the urge to repeatedly bang the back of his head against that sofa. He was such an idiot. Why did he look down right then? What was wrong with him? If Kanzeon told Monju, he was dead for sure. He couldn’t get attached. Not again. He squeezed his eyes shut._

_Kakashi’s back straightened and his exposed eye flung open when he heard the door open and close. He turned his head to the right and watched as Kanzeon stepped out. Her bare legs were now covered in black leggings._

_“Do you want some water?” she asked him, her voice sickly sweet and high. If he hadn't overheard her real voice around Monju, he would've believed she actually sounded like that._

_“No, thanks,” he responded._

_Kakashi felt his heart skip a beat when she sat right next to him on the sofa. Her warmth completely enveloped his left side, and it took everything in his power to not turn his head. He couldn’t look. It would be painful to look — from embarrassment and from his memories._

_“I’m Kanzeon,” she greeted. A hint of her low voice pierced through._

_“Kakashi,” he returned, slowly turning his head so he could see her with his exposed eye._

_“_ You're _Kakashi!?” He watched as her face lit up with surprise. Her eyes widened, her brows raised, and her mouth parted open. Almost the exact same expression as when she saw him standing in front of that wall and the doors minutes ago._

_“One and only,” he responded. “We’ve met before. A long time ago.”_

_“Oh. Sorry. It must have been really long ago.” Kanzeon turned her head and stared down at her hands clasped together in her lap, causing her hair to fall and shield her face from Kakashi’s view. “I didn't know you worked with my brother. Are you also Inko?”_

_Kakashi’s fists clenched. He shouldn't have expected any less from Monju’s little sister. He reminded himself that she was a jōnin and turned down being in the Anbu; she could keep a secret. Either way, his body spoke for him. He cursed at the fact that he exposed himself almost instantly. When did he ever let his guard down so easily?_

_“Yeah, but call me Kakashi. You shouldn’t be saying things like that so openly.”_

_“Sorry. I was just connecting the dots. I'm surprised you know who I am. I didn't think someone like you would care to know.”_

_“Someone like me?” Kakashi echoed._

_“Wow, ‘Inko’ really does suit you.” Kanzeon laughed a little, and Kakashi felt his heart race when he saw her smile. He couldn’t even be upset that she was using his codename. “I mean a genius, a skilled shinobi.”_

_“I heard you turned down being recruited into the Anbu. That means you and I are on the same level.”_

_“No way! You're Hatake Kakashi! You're on a whole different level than me. Or even my brother!”_

_“I'm just a shinobi like you or Monju.”_

_“You're more than 'just a shinobi,’” she responded quietly, and Kakashi didn't know how to interpret that. He knew she probably meant that he was a prodigy, but for some reason, he wanted her to mean that he was someone and not a weapon. Or a monster._

* * *

_[Kanzeon's Apartment](https://imgur.com/a/ozDhM5V), [Kanzeon Concept Card](https://imgur.com/a/eVPjATu)_

“So, do you accept this mission, Kanzeon?” Tsunade asked.

Kakashi listened to the conversation from outside the assignment room. He leaned against the wall, closing his eyes to focus on the muffled voices. 

“Yes,” came Kanzeon’s response. 

“Good. You'll meet your team here tomorrow at sunset.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Clear out for a bit. I want a word with her alone.”

“Yes, Lady Hokage,” came the chorus of jōnin. 

Kakashi heard footsteps and the door beside him opened. 

“Hey, Kakashi! You're back!” one of the jōnin greeted.

“I bet you're the one who convinced Kanzeon to go on this mission!”

“Yeah, nobody else would've been able to!”

“The decision was still hers to make,” Kakashi replied calmly. 

“You're gonna have to wait a while. I bet Lady Tsunade is gonna give Kanzeon an earful for all the missions she’s skipped out on in the past!”

“I'm patient.” Kakashi turned his head, ending the conversation. He heard them snicker quietly among themselves, and he chose to ignore them. 

Once they had all left, Kakashi peeked into the window of the door. 

He could see Tsunade sitting at her desk with Kanzeon standing before her and Shizune. He watched as Tsunade stood up and in front of Kanzeon, hands on her hips.

“My, you've grown!” Tsunade’s serious expression turned into a beaming smile and embraced Kanzeon. “You don't remember me, but I helped your mother deliver you! You've become a fine kunoichi! I almost regret not making you my apprentice, but I’m afraid there's nothing more I can teach you.”

“You knew my mother?”

“Of course! Tara was an amazing woman and a pillar of a friend. In fact, her grades were even better than mine when we were in the Academy together! You look almost exactly like her when she was young!”

“Thank you, Lady Hokage,” Kanzeon said. She had on that high voice whenever she was being formal.

Tsunade put her hands on Kanzeon’s shoulders.

“I know you don't like being out in the field, but you're a medical ninja, like it or not. If I could, I’d train more shinobi like you. I know you love working with the Medic Corps, but you're a kunoichi first. I understand the pain and why you're afraid, but you’re Tara’s daughter, Monju’s sister. This mission is important. My guest has valuable information that will let the world know that Konohagakure is as strong as ever. Since the guest has received many death threats upon arriving here, he’s put in a request. You will join three other jōnin, but heed my advice from one medical kunoichi to another: do not let anything happen to you. Let the other three protect the guest. You're in charge of protecting _them_.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I know what some shinobi say about you, and I want you to prove them wrong. I know you will.”

“Thank you, Lady Tsunade.”

“Come here.”

The two women shared another warm embrace. Tsunade murmured something in Kanzeon’s ear, but Kakashi managed to hear it:

_“Your boyfriend’s outside. Best not to keep him waiting.”_

Kakashi saw Kanzeon’s shoulders tense, and he quickly ducked out of the window when he sensed her looking back. 

_‘Fuck, that old lady’s good,’_ Kakashi admitted. Still, he quickly composed himself and leaned against the wall again, folding his arms over his chest, hiking a knee up, and tilting his head back. 

The door opened, and Kanzeon stepped out. 

“Lady Tsunade says she’ll pretend that you weren’t here as long as you report to her by the time I’ve left for my mission,” she told him. 

“Back to your place, then?” Kakashi suggested as she linked her elbow with his. “I might have to hide out there until tomorrow.”

Another failed wink thanks to his hidden eye, but Kanzeon picked up on him.

“You better make yourself useful,” she teased, nudging him in the shoulder with her head. “I think I have a few dishes that need washing. _Plus_ I need help with dinner.”

Kakashi rolled his eye and let out a sigh. She was telling _him_ what to do? Rich. He’d make her pay for that. 

“Fine, fine, whatever you want,” he agreed. “I’ll even buy you those sesame rice donuts you love so much.”

“Really?!” Kanzeon looked up at him with big, sparkling eyes. To him, they looked like the glittering night sky. “But you hate that kind of stuff!”

“I do. That’s why it’s _for you_.”

“I guess that means I’ll have to get some eggplant for the miso.” Kanzeon sighed.

Kakashi smiled and almost kissed her forehead in public, but she had no way of knowing that. She hated eggplant, and they both knew it. A fair trade in his eyes. Still, the balance was far too much in Kanzeon’s favor. 

Kakashi bought her the donuts first thing. By the time they made it back to her apartment with the eggplant and a few other groceries, she had eaten all three of them. He had to admit, he was pretty disgusted by that feat. The first and last time Kakashi had those donuts, their hardened caramel glaze stuck to his teeth and he had to scrape them off with his finger. As if biting into them wasn’t already hell. He had no idea how Kanzeon could enjoy eating those things, but at the same time, he was terrified of her bite force after seeing her demolish all three. For obvious reasons.

Kanzeon briefly disappeared to her room to change into an old t-shirt while Kakashi took off his flak jacket and gloves, placing them on one of the sofas in the living room. They regrouped in the kitchen and started working on dinner. Kakashi handled the vegetables for the sides while Kanzeon handled the meat for the _gyūdon_ and the _chashu_ as well as preparing the miso soup. At one point, he noticed her waiting for the _dashi_ to boil, so he set down the knife he was holding onto the cutting board and wrapped his arms around her stomach. He bowed his head over her shoulder and sent a series of kisses along her neck. He could feel her squirm, and her shoulder hiked up, crashing into the side of his head. 

“You know, I was reading something interesting, and I thought it might be fun to try it out,” he purred into her ear.

“Another _Icha-Icha_?” Kakashi could hear the eye-roll in her voice. He straightened his neck and stepped away from Kanzeon.

Her hair, tied in a low ponytail, fell down her midline in one long, single stream. Between her shoulder blades sat a red silk ribbon, knotted together in a tight square knot. Kanzeon always used that to tie her hair back. If she left her down, she put the ribbon on her left wrist by folding it over itself, creating two loops. Kakashi knew elastic hair ties were things girls used, but Kanzeon said she once went through an entire pack of those in the span of an entire mission because they kept snapping. She also complained that they pulled her hair out while the silk ribbon was much kinder to her hair. 

Whenever that hair ribbon began to slip down her ponytail, it always made her look like an old housewife. Kakashi gently grabbed the looped ribbon and pulled down, freeing her hair from its red prison. He stuck his hand through the silk circle and let it fall to his elbow as he gathered her hair in one hand.

“Actually, it was from something else,” Kakashi said calmly. He brushed the fingers of his free hand through the black cascade, the hand holding the bundle together following the descent. “I think it went a little something like this.”

When his hands were at the middle of her back, he twisted her hair and flung it over her left shoulder with the lower hand. His other hand reached over her right shoulder to grab the rope-like twist and pulled it over and across her neck. He pulled her hair, forcing her head to tilt back against his shoulder. Kakashi saw her hands fly up to her neck, trying to pry herself free from her own hair.

“I guess it works.” He smirked, pulling back even more. Kanzeon let out a little gasp as the hair against her neck tightened, and Kakashi bit his lip. He couldn't keep going. Not yet, at least.

He then released his grip, her hair loosening and draping her left half. She quickly turned around to face him, and Kakashi took a few steps back with his hands up in surrender. He knew she was going to be mad.

“What was _that?!”_ she exclaimed, her hair fanning out like a dress as she spun.

“Just testing something out,” Kakashi responded cheekily. “Your hair is definitely long enough for the hair chokehold. I might even be able to tie your hands behind your back with it.”

“You’re _so_ annoying!” Kanzeon huffed, turning back to the stove. “How do you even come up with these things while you read?”

“Well, the point of those books is to be very specific,” he responded lightly, gathering her hair into his hand again. “Besides, you always kept an open mind before.”

“I just wasn’t expecting you to pull something like that right now!”

“Oh, does that mean you like it?”

“Shut up!”

Kakashi chuckled as he looped the ribbon around the ponytail four times. He held the ponytail in one hand and pushed the ribbon up against her neck as much as he could. He knew that ribbon would slip within minutes, but it was fine. As much as he made fun of her when her ponytail loosened, she looked beautiful as ever. 

While Kanzeon was busy plating the food, Kakashi set up the little dining table. Monju also used to plate family-style dishes, and Kakashi never understood it. Perhaps Monju, so long ago, was right. Kanzeon did pick up a lot of things from her older brother. He could almost hear Monju telling him that food was also art, that it was also for the eyes as well as the mouth and nose. 

With the food all ready, Kakashi and Kanzeon took their seats across from each other. Kakashi took a moment to close his eyes and deeply inhale the delectable aromas. In perfect unison, the two of them clapped their hands together and exclaimed, _“Itadakimasu!”_

Kakashi grabbed the soup spoon for the miso and gave the broth a few swirls. His other hand went to his face, and he pulled down his mask. He bowed his head down a little while he lifted the spoon to his lips. The miso soup was comfortingly hot and delicious. He glanced up and saw Kanzeon staring at him with the end of her chopsticks in her mouth, as if she froze mid-bite.

“What?” Kakashi raised a brow.

“Nothing!” Kanzeon smiled a little too brightly and removed the chopsticks from her lips. 

“It’s my face, isn’t it?”

“No!” Kanzeon reached forward with her chopsticks to grab a slice of _chashu,_ but Kakashi watched her eyes. He caught her glancing up at him, and she quickly looked away when their eyes met.

“Liar. Either way, I don’t see the big deal. You’re the one who’s seen my face the most.”

“I just think it’s a shame! I still don’t get why you wear it.”

“Well, consider it my special treatment just for you.”

Kanzeon looked up again with big, wondrous eyes, tilting her head to the side. She looked like a puppy. Kakashi chuckled, only to realize that his mask was off. He quickly pursed his lips, lowered his head, and turned to the wall to hide his smile, but it was too late. Kanzeon was already grinning like an idiot, as if she had caught him doing something scandalous.

He was really going to make her pay for that.

* * *

_Kakashi heard the door to the balcony open behind him. The cool air from the living room escaped into the humid June night, splashing against his calves. He turned around and saw Kanzeon, wearing her usual baggy t-shirt. Through the glass of the doors, he saw Monju at the very back of the apartment. The older Anbu quickly vanished into the entryway, and Kakashi heard the distant front door swing open and slam shut._

_“Where’s he going?” Kakashi asked Kanzeon._

_“He was summoned by Lord Hokage,” she answered. “He told me I have to be his replacement for tonight.”_

_A whole year had passed since Kakashi first visited Monju and Kanzeon. Whenever Kakashi finished a mission for Anbu, Monju always invited him over for a meal, even if Monju wasn’t assigned to the same mission. Kakashi thought it was weird at first, but he found himself enjoying their company. They talked to him, they fed him, they even let him crash on their sofas. If Monju was away on extended missions, they let Kakashi sleep in his room. The massive hole in his chest was slowly being patched up. The stones were being scraped up by the handful from the bottom of his heart’s lake._

_Kakashi almost wanted to ask if Kanzeon knew why Monju was summoned so late, but he doubted she knew beyond an emergency. And if it really was an emergency, why wasn’t he summoned? He was the leader of Team Ro after all. But then again, Monju was one of the best medical ninjutsu users around._

_“So, what was your mission this time?” Kanzeon asked him._

_“Eh, saved a princess. It was very cold. Got to mush sled dogs, though. That was cool. Nothing like my ninken, though.”_

_“A princess?!” Kanzeon’s eyes lit up. “What was she like? Was she pretty?”_

_“She was a_ child _.” Kakashi sighed, turning away from the door and leaning against the railing. “A princess can be any age.”_

_“I had to ask,” Kanzeon teased, joining him on the railing. She sighed and said, “The moon is so pretty tonight.”_

_Kakashi glanced upwards at the silver full moon, then to Kanzeon. She had her elbows propped up on the railing, and her hands rested along her jaw, causing her cheeks to slightly bunch up. Beneath the soft glare of moonlight on her glasses, Kanzeon’s eyes sparkled. Her long, black hair was slightly damp from what Kakashi assumed to be a recent shower. The light shining through the balcony doors dyed the back of her bare legs a soft gold._

_“Yeah, pretty,” Kakashi said before gazing back up at the sky. He bit his bottom lip. He was seventeen and shameless._

_He chose to focus on the spots on the moon in order to shake the sight of her bare legs and what might be under that shirt from his mind._

_One year ago, she wore almost the same exact thing and got extremely flustered. Since then, she listened to him ramble about his adventures, big and small. For someone who hated something like the Anbu, she sure loved to hear about the things they made him and her brother do. Over the past year, Kakashi also learned exactly why Kanzeon was recruited into the Anbu by the Third Hokage; they really had a lot more in common than he thought._

_A wisp of dark cloud floated over the moon. The entire sky dimmed, and the cloud turned silver by the moon’s grace._

_“Hey, it’s wearing a mask like you!” Kanzeon joked, leaning into Kakashi’s shoulder._

_Kakashi chuckled inaudibly, sharply forcing air from his nose. He looked down to the street for a moment to gather himself at the abruptness of the comment. It was so stupid, but he was laughing anyways._

_“You know, I’ve been wondering,” she began. “Why do you wear a mask? It's not like you need it.”_

_Kakashi almost snapped his neck from turning his head to look at her so fast. He met her curious eyes bathed in the silver moonbeams. She looked so much like a puppy. He almost wanted to squeeze her face._

_“Because I want to,” he responded after taking a moment to collect his wits._

_“But why do you want to?”_

_Kakashi just stared blankly at the tops of the buildings around them. Why did he want to wear a mask? Did he need a reason for wanting something?_

_“Guess,” he said plainly. He wanted to see what kind of things she could come up with. He heard a lot of theories in his short lifetime._

_“Hmm…” She put her chin in one hand, allowing the other hand to hang off the railing. “Is it because of a scar?”_

_“I already have a scar, and the reason it’s covered is pure coincidence.”_

_“Is it…a birthmark? Do you have a big splotch on your chin, or something?”_

_Kakashi chuckled. “No.”_

_“A cleft palate?”_

_“What? No.” That was a new one._

_“Is it freckles?”_

_“No.”_

_“Warts?”_

_“No.”_

_“Acne? I totally understand if it is. I still have acne scars!”_

_“I’m surprised you don’t have more considering how much fried and sweet shit you eat.”_

_“Hey! Not funny. So is that it?”_

_“No.”_

_“Hmph,” Kanzeon slumped over, completely resting her head against her arm laying flat against the balcony railing. “Oh! I know! You have a mole with a long hair sticking out!”_

_Kakashi laughed again. Another new one._

_“Not exactly, but I do have a little dark spot. I bet you can’t guess where.”_

_Kanzeon gasped with such excitement, Kakashi almost thought somebody had appeared on the balcony._

_“No way! Is that really why!?”_

_“Ha! No. Just guess, dumbass.”_

_“It’s right there!” Kanzeon pointed, her finger landing beneath the left corner of his mouth. She was right on. He was impressed since he only exposed his face when he ate, and even then, he covered his face with his bowl._

_“Hey, hey! Who said you could touch?!” Kakashi grabbed her wrist and leaned his head back._

_“You think I wouldn’t know where that little spot is?” Kanzeon beamed cheekily. “It's the only thing I notice! My turn! I have three spots on my face! I bet you can’t find all of them!”_

_“Hmm…”_

_Kakashi leaned down slightly. He poked her right cheek as he spotted them._

_“One.” An obvious spot in the middle of the hollow of her cheek. Her soft skin practically bounced his finger right back._

_“Two.” A fainter, smaller spot next to her nose, right below the frame of her glasses._

_The third spot was about the size of the second one. Among the faint patches of her acne scars on her pale face, Kakashi managed to find the third dark spot. He held her chin with his thumb on the top and the side of his index finger underneath. He leaned closer. He watched as her eyes widened and her lips slightly parted, and he realized how much he enjoyed that look on her face._

_To snap himself out of it, he forced himself to fix his gaze on her chin._

_“Three.” He poked the dark spot in the slight dip beneath her bottom lip and above the chin. Normally, the shadow of her pouty lips hid that sneaky spot, but since he had tilted her face up, it was in plain sight._

_Neither of them spoke. For a moment, he wondered if he missed one or mistaken one of the spots for some other mark. He scanned around her face, briefly passing over her stunned eyes before falling back to those lips. Out of the upper peripheral of his vision, he saw Kanzeon’s eyes flutter shut, and she leaned her body forward. Her lips met Kakashi’s, thinly veiled by his mask. Her lips felt soft and warm, even through the cloth._

_It was Kakashi’s turn to widen his eyes from the shock. He was seventeen and shameless, but he never expected such a move from Kanzeon. She was fifteen and found a hint of courage._

_She quickly withdrew from the peck, her eyes glued to the floor. The air around his mouth now felt cold. Kakashi knew an apology was forming on her lips, so he chose to replace it. He grabbed her face with both hands on her cheeks, forcing her to stare at him. One hand left her soft skin to grab the front of his mask and tug it down to his neck. He closed the gap between them by stepping forward and simultaneously pulling her face to his._

_A passionate kiss in the glow of the Lover’s Moon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of the next chapter is gonna be a smut (in the "present" so they're both consenting adults) but it won't be that important to the story in general so you can probably just skip it  
> Actual notes:  
> \- "Inko" is the Japanese word for a true parrot, or a parakeet. Some of y'all boutta be real mad at me, but it works. Parrots can copy speech and Kakashi is...the Copy Ninja. I was originally going to make Kakashi's codename be "Fukurō" which means owl. I wanted something that wasn't EXACTLY obvious like "dog" or "hound" or something. No shade, though. With his hair, you'd think people would already know that it's Kakashi anyway.  
> -"Kuma" means bear. Monju's an absolute unit at over six feet tall. He's also protective of his sister. And he likes to eat.  
> -not sure if y'all want a quick Japanese cuisine lesson. since if you're reading this, you probably already know, but dashi is the stock base of miso. Gyūdon is literally a beef bowl, and chashu is pork belly. now im hungry fuck  
> -A June full moon is called a Lover's Moon. I do love full moon names. even my main ao3 name is also a full moon name haha


	3. Venus and Mars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoinks this is the smut chapter! if you're not here for that, just carry on your merry way to the next chapter, thank yaz.  
> but if you ARE here because you're a kinky bastard, might as well listen this song, once again sung by Kakashi's VA, Kazuhiko Inoue: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8fgDXkc2Tc trust me it's appropriate. I really am just creating a playlist, aren't i

Finally, payback. 

Kakashi kissed Kanzeon with a mix of frustration and eagerness, his hands on her hips and holding her body against his. Her arms were on his shoulders, crossing over each other somewhere behind his neck. One of his hands slinked down, grabbing her ample thigh and squeezing it as he pulled it upwards. He began to walk forward until they both fell onto her bed. Kakashi placed his knee against the mattress, right between her legs. Having trapped her, Kakashi’s covered lips left hers, and he planted a stream of kisses down her jaw and the side of her neck. Her breath hitched as his lips pressed against her skin firmly. Her back arched, sending her body into his. 

Kakashi’s hands found the hem of her shirt and pulled it up to expose her breasts. Her hands ran through his messy silver hair. With a growl from deep in his throat, he grabbed his headband by the metal plate and yanked it off. He had already memorized every inch of her body, but this time, he was trying that new tactic with her hair. Still, he kept his left eye closed as he drew back and pulled down his mask. His lips met her neck, and he did not intend on showing mercy. He made sure to leave marks all over her neck and chest before his tongue traced all the way down her body. All the while, her hands remained tangled in his hair.

He grabbed the waistline of her leggings and underwear and practically ripped them off. He squeezed her inner thighs and pried her legs apart. His tongue traced the wet lips before encircling her clit. Her thighs attempted to break free from his hold, and he knew her head tilted back as a moan escaped her mouth. One of his hands left their grip on her thighs, and he slid a finger inside her, eliciting another moan. He added a second and fingered her at a rapid pace, forcing his tongue to match the pace. 

After the years of practically memorizing each other’s bodies, Kakashi knew that Kanzeon’s silence meant her mind was too focused on the pleasure and the prospect of an orgasm. Still, he lifted his head a little to check on her. Sure enough, her mouth hung upon as if she were moaning in silence and her eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. Smirking slightly, he lowered his head and continued to lap at her swollen clit.

“Ka-kashi…!” Her cries came out in a whisper. “I’m gonna — ”

He didn’t let her finish her sentence. He only pressed his tongue harder against her and quickened the pace of his fingers. She uttered out a high-pitched yelp, and he allowed her thighs to crush his head while he drew out her orgasm. Her moans came out in heaving pants, mixed with the occasional cry. 

Kakashi sat up on his knees. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head, tossing it to the floor. He then reached over to a drawer of the desk next to her bed, opened it, and grabbed a condom. He shredded the top of the wrapper off with his teeth, took the condom out, and pulled down his pants and boxers.

He then lurched forward and grabbed her hair at the top of her head with his free hand, forcing her up. Of course, she knew what to do by now. Her lips surrounded the head of his hard member, and the pleasure that surged through him made him close his eyes. He tightened his grip on her hair and thrust forward. Despite everything they had done together, Kanzeon still had a terrible gag reflex. She could hardly make it past halfway down his shaft before backing out. Still, Kakashi constantly pushed her limits and pushed her head closer to his body. She made a retching noise and quickly withdrew. Kakashi opened his eyes and saw her wincing and covering her mouth with her hand. Before long, she was back at it again, and this time, his hand followed the bobbing of her head rather than guiding her. 

Muffled squeals frequently filled the room whenever Kakashi hit the back of her mouth a little too hard and she tried her hardest not to choke. The pleasure came in rolling waves over his body, but it wasn’t enough. It drove him insane, and he needed more. He withdrew from her mouth, her spit forming a stretching thread between her lips and the tip of his cock. The hand pulling her hair released, only to give a slight push of her shoulder to make her lie on her back.

He rolled the condom on and crawled towards her. He grabbed her thighs and pushed them upwards, her knees at her shoulders. Her lower legs rested on his own shoulders. He rubbed his member along her wet entrance for a few seconds before pushing it inside her. She let out a gasp, and Kakashi felt her walls tighten around him. He instinctively leaned his back and let out a breathy moan. He began to thrust in and out slowly before picking up the pace. 

The sound of skin slapping against skin, the bed creaking, her moans, and his panting and occasional groans filled the dimly lit room. 

Kakashi withdrew momentarily to flip Kanzeon over onto her stomach. He grabbed her hips, and she immediately lifted her behind up into the air while her head and chest remained fixed to the bed. Kakashi smirked in satisfaction as he thrust inside her again while squeezing her ass. She muffled her moans by grabbing a pillow and pushing her face into it, but Kakashi quickened his pace, pushing deeper inside of her. Her moans turned into restrained screams, and her head lifted slightly as Kakashi knew she was now biting her pillow. He almost got too carried in the sea of pleasure he swam in, but he quickly remembered why he was so excited for this moment.

He gathered her long hair into one hand and yanked her towards him. She let out a yelp, and her moans became louder as he ripped her from her only barrier. She still maintained a seemingly painful arch in her back and neck as she stood on her hands and knees. Kakashi opened his left eye and quickly slung the bundle of hair in his hand over and across her shoulders. Like pulling the reins of a horse, he jerked her hair back, forcing her to kneel almost completely upwards. While the back of her head and his face were only about half a foot, she still maintained a perfect arch in her back. 

The immense pleasure from the thrill raced through Kakashi’s veins. Her walls tightened around his merciless member, and he let out a guttural moan from the back of his throat, slamming into her at full force. His free hand wrapped around her slim waist and rubbed her clit. His pacing had to slow down slightly since he didn’t have a stable hold on her hips, but judging from her loud moans, she didn’t seem to mind. Kakashi pulled her hair back even more, and her walls squeezed him as he continued to ram into her.

“Ah…! Kakashi…!” she moaned and collapsed back onto her face, forcing Kakashi to release her hair chokehold. 

While her orgasm shook her entire body, he took advantage of the situation by gripping her hips and thrusting into her with every fiber of his being. Her moans came out in successive squeals and yelps, muted by biting her pillow. Hearing that and feeling her body wriggle around as if trying to break free from the blissful prison he had trapped her in drove him over the edge. 

He closed his eyes, threw his head back, and let out a groan as he pulled out and finished, his member resting on the crevice between her buttocks.

The adrenaline drained out of his body, and he collapsed onto his back beside her, putting his arm across his forehead and tilting it so that the back of his hand covered his left eye. For a few moments, the only sound in the room was their synchronized panting. 

Right as Kakashi was about to sit up to go to the bathroom and clean up, Kanzeon inched her way over to him and rested her head against his bare chest, still slightly damp with sweat. Her hand rested right atop his upper abs. He felt her eyelashes against one of his toned pectoral muscles. He used his free hand to run his fingers through her black, silken hair. 

“I take it that you liked the new move?” Kakashi asked cheekily. 

“Shut up,” was her only response. He could hear the pout in her voice. He chuckled softly as he twirled a lock of black hair around his finger. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not have the strength to proofread this lmao i had to take a five minute break every time i had to use a euphemism for male genitalia. also my first time publishing smutty content. discostang.  
> catch y'all next chapter, ya nasties


	4. Muddy Stream, Clear Stream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am once again giving you another Kazuhiko Inoue song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5CjLL5I91o  
> the lyrics and translation is in the description if you're interested! I can't really translate the song title that well, but here's my attempt: "on the banks of the muddy and clear streams."

Kakashi awoke, blinking sleep from his eyes. Through the window in Kanzeon’s bedroom, he saw the flaming orange-gold of the rising sun begin to push up against the heavy royal blue of night. He instinctively shut his left eye, unable to cover it with his hand since Kanzeon slept on his chest and he didn’t want to disturb her just yet. He closed his other eye, figuring he could squeeze in a little more sleep, but found that he was fully awake now.

He sighed, watching the sun slowly pull itself up over the horizon. His circadian rhythm had adjusted to his repentant routine of visiting Rin’s grave and the Memorial Stone. A part of him wished he could just let go completely. Yes, he had grown to accept that Rin’s death was not in vain. Yes, he knew that as a shinobi, he would lose people he cared about. But that never changed the pain of death and breaking a promise he so wanted to keep. Which was why he fought so hard inside for Kanzeon. She was his chance to start over, to prove himself.

He glanced down at her, who slept so soundly against his bare chest. She was the type to cry herself to sleep while Kakashi was the type to lie awake, unable to sleep and even fearing the unhinged unconscious mind. But their pain was practically the same. 

Monju and Kanzeon lost their parents in the Third Shinobi World War. Monju took it upon himself to raise his sister alone while pouring his heart into medical ninjutsu, refining his abilities with heirloom books left behind from their mother’s side of the family.

The two shinobi that had been in Kanzeon’s genin team were among the few young ones who lost their lives in the Nine-Tails’ attack, perishing along with her jōnin sensei. Monju had told Kakashi that Kanzeon — a chūnin then — survived because she used their _kekkei genkai_ after witnessing their deaths. When recovering the bodies, some shinobi discovered Kanzeon, unconscious and surrounded in a solid layer of chakra, and brought her to the hospital grounds where only Monju was able to revive her. Monju told Kakashi that Kanzeon was so wracked with guilt and grief that she became dissuaded from doing any sort of mission beyond the village walls and becoming a permanent team member.

And, of course…

But between them, Kanzeon was the lucky one. To his knowledge, Kanzeon had never killed anyone herself. He knew she was capable of inflicting serious injury, but she never had the heart to finish the job. She knew the pain of not being able to protect her friends, but she would never know the sin of killing them. The sin of breaking a promise he desperately wanted to keep. These sins crawled on his back. 

Kakashi gently lifted Kanzeon’s head off his chest and onto the pillow. He tucked behind her ear the hair that had fallen in front of her face. He wanted to rest his hand along her soft, pale cheek, but he feared leaving a crimson handprint on her skin. He instead planted a kiss on her forehead before gathering his clothes and heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. 

Under the steaming deluge, Kakashi realized he had to use Kanzeon’s products. He opened the bottle of shampoo and took a whiff of the coconut and flower fragrance. It was definitely what Kanzeon smelled like except much stronger. He shrugged and lathered it on, the excess suds running down his body and along the grooves of his muscular build. He used a dollop of the body wash of the same scent and quickly smeared it across his torso, his arms, his legs, and as much of his back as he could reach. Whatever remained on his hands, he quickly rubbed his face with it before leaning up and allowing the shower to quickly wash it away. He scrubbed the shampoo out of his hair and the body wash from his skin. He turned the shower’s faucet to cold, and for a few seconds, he gave himself a masochistic polar rinse. He turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a towel and drying himself off.

As he stood in front of the mirror with the towel on his head, one end draping over his left eye, he examined his blurred figure in the fogged-up glass. Just an oblong flesh-colored blob topped with a gray-white. And yet Kanzeon loved this strange form that was his body and the broken being inside it. He broke his gaze by continuing to run the towel over his head.

He put on his clothes. He used his bare hands to wipe clean a section of the mirror to adjust his mask and headband. He left the bathroom and grabbed his flak jacket and gloves that he had left in her living room, quickly slipping those on. He then went back into Kanzeon’s bedroom. He squatted down beside her bed and gazed at her as he gently ran his hand along the hair near her face.

Still sleeping as peacefully as ever. Last night probably wore her to the bone. Kakashi’s lips tugged back into a soft smirk. It was fine. She needed the rest for her mission later today.

Kakashi stood up again and looked out the window again. Golden rays stretched from the horizon, but the sun had yet to completely rise over the horizon of buildings and trees. He then turned to her desk, grabbing a random writing utensil and a white sticky note with faintly printed pink watercolor flowers.

_“Will be back for lunch. Sleep well._

"

He then stuck the note to her forehead. That way, she would definitely read it. He did a quick check around her apartment: all dishes were already put away, what little leftovers were already in the fridge, and the kitchen itself was as clean as it was before they started making dinner. He didn’t feel hungry enough for breakfast, so he stepped into the entryway. He slipped on his flak jacket and sandals, tucking his slippers underneath the shoe rack. He then opened the door. With his lightning-fast reflexes, he flipped the lock on the inside of the door and quickly shut the door, causing it to lock itself by the time the mechanism opened. 

He stepped out into the soft morning light. The streets were vacant, save for the early birds. A gentle breeze passed by, tugging slightly at his damp hair and cooling him off in the stagnant air. He imagined it as a sigh from one of the many people he held true to his heart that had passed on to another world.

_“Kakashi, why did you leave her? Why must you mourn for so long?”_

What else was he supposed to do? Exactly because he loved Kanzeon that he kept her at arm’s length. Of course, she knew his tragic story as he knew hers, but he couldn’t bear to bring upon her the constant weight of his burdens when she had enough on her plate. As much as she offered her ears and commanded him to talk, it was all the same. What else was there to say or do when it was the same thing over and over again?

And yet she was still eager to listen.

Kakashi kicked a pebble by his foot as he walked along the road. He watched it skip a few times before finally sitting still. That pebble would be constantly stepped on and kicked about as the day continued. The pebble was once a great mountain, now worn down to a puny thing and left to the mercy of cruel fate until one day, it would crumble into dust and cease to exist. Such was life.

* * *

_Kakashi’s head perked up at the sound of a knock at the door. He waited a while, figuring his father would get up and open it, but he never did. Kakashi quickly leapt to his feet and dashed to the front door, sliding it open to reveal two figures: one adult man, and a large kid probably only a few years older than Kakashi._

_“Ah, hello there, Kakashi. Is your father home?” asked the man._

_“Yes.”_

_“Is it okay if we come in? I’d like a word with him.”_

_Kakashi stepped aside in a silent invitation and watched as the two entered._

_“Go talk to him, make a new friend, yeah?” He overheard the man tell the kid — probably his son._

_The kid had a new headband on, and Kakashi wondered how long he had that for. He was already a chūnin at six, so what could this guy offer?_

_The man seemed to know his way around Kakashi’s place since he went directly in the direction of his father’s room._

_“I’m Monju,” the kid greeted, causing Kakashi to turn and face him._

_However old or young he was, Kakashi had to tilt his head back to meet the kid’s eyes. Dark, almond eyes. Kind of a big kid, height- and width-wise. Short, spiky black hair. As he stretched his lips back in a smile, he looked friendly and a little goofy._

_“Kakashi,” he returned blankly before stepping back into the living area, this Monju kid following him. “Does your dad know mine?”_

_“I guess so. My dad knows a lot of people.”_

_It was weird. His father hardly ever had people over. Especially now since he hardly even left the house. But Kakashi knew that whenever he — the son of Hatake Sakumo — walked by, he stirred up whispers and attracted stares. A mix of praise and pity._

_“So you’re Kakashi, the six-year-old genius in a mask.”_

_“If that’s what I’m called.”_

_“My sensei says you’ll become the youngest jōnin at this rate.”_

_Kakashi wasn’t sure how to respond to that. It was different when someone else acknowledged him. After all, his father helped train him, so learning in the Academy and getting promoted was a breeze._

_A voice erupted from his father’s room. The two children turned their heads in the direction of the noise._

“Hey! Calm down, Sakumo! Our sons are in the next room!” _Monju’s father’s voice rang clearly compared to whatever incoherent thing Kakashi’s father had exclaimed.._

_Kakashi heard his father murmur something, and things got quiet again. The low rumbles of the men’s voices sounded like droning bugs in a field._

_“Hey.” Monju’s voice made Kakashi finally turn his head away from the source of voices. “You know, your dad did the right thing. My dad says it’s better to live and fulfill the mission another day.”_

_“I know.” But that didn’t stop the whispers. There was no way Monju or his father or even Kakashi himself could ever understand the magnitude of the failure. Despite it all, the young Kakashi wanted to believe his father did the right thing. He wanted to believe Monju. But the whispers and stares kept coming._

“Don’t you try and preach to me!”

_Kakashi turned his head again, his back straightening. His father was practically screaming. Kakashi had never heard such a terrifying thing in his life._

_“Calm down, Sakumo — ”_

_“This is a cruel joke from the village, isn’t it? Sending me the man who betrayed his own village? You know_ nothing _of loyalty and the honor it is to die for the village! You only care about yourself, so of course you’ll defend me! The one person who doesn’t belong in this village!”_

_Kakashi glanced at Monju, noticing the older kid’s clenched fists and blanching knuckles. What was his father talking about?_

_“You’re right. I’ll never understand the honor of dying because I’m not dead. The only way to serve the village is by living to protect it tomorrow. But don’t you ever say I know nothing of loyalty and that I only care about myself._ You’re _the one who knows nothing about me. I came to this village to support my comrade — my_ friend. _When everybody in Suna turned their backs on him for falling in love with a kunoichi from Konoha, I was the only one by his side. We both fled, and your Hokage accepted us and protected us.”_

_“And look where it got the both of you! His entire family is dead, and you are nothing!”_

_“I am a father. I have my children. That is more than I ever wanted. And_ you, _Sakumo, also have and are so much. Think of your son. He loves you very much, and I know you love him, too. Teach him what is right by putting your foot down and holding your head high.”_

 _“You will_ never _understand. All you’ve proven is that you have no loyalty to something bigger than you ever will be.”_

_“Maybe not, but I do know that death is the end. It is better to live and be able to do something than to die and be forced to do nothing.”_

_Shuffling. Thudding of footsteps. Monju’s father appeared. The man met Kakashi’s eyes and smiled softly. Kakashi winced as the man ruffled his hair, but he didn’t object. The little boy led his guests to the door._

_“Be good, Kakashi. As good as your father. Maybe even better,” Monju’s father said to him._

_“Yes, sir.”_

_“See ya later, Kakashi.” Monju waved._

_“Yeah. Later.”_

_Kakashi stood in the half-open doorway, watching the father and son walk into the night. He wanted to believe them so badly. He wanted his father to believe them, but he was still in the Academy and had much to experience._

_So fate chose to teach him. To punish him for his naivety._

_A few nights later, Kakashi found his father lying motionless on the floor, blood pouring out of the self-inflicted wounds. He made up his mind then._

_Monju’s father was wrong, and Monju was a fool for believing him. And Kakashi was a fool for wanting to believe them._

* * *

Kakashi knelt down next to the Memorial Stone, letting out a deep sigh as he finally managed to drag himself up from his shame. He ran his fingers along the carved grooves, the stone cold to the touch. His eyes scanned the names until he found the one he was looking for:

_“Gūzō Monju.”_

Whenever Kakashi visited the Memorial Stone, he’d always just stand or kneel or squat in silence. He didn’t exactly pray. He just relived moments, thinking about how different things could’ve been, running through hundreds of scenarios and timelines if he had done this or that differently. And he apologized. A lot. But today, Kakashi was going to ask. He didn’t know what he believed in regarding death. He knew Monju and Kanzeon believed in endless reincarnation, but how long did a soul have to wait before being reborn if it had to wait at all? Or did Monju refuse to let go of this world to watch over Kanzeon? 

_‘I know it’s my job, but please, Monju. While she’s out there, while I can’t protect her myself,’_ he begged. 

He ran his fingers over Monju’s name and closed his eyes.

_‘Please.’_

The noon sun beat down on his body, his upper arms taking on much of the heat. He forced himself to put one foot in front of the other. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back, took a deep inhale through his nose, and exhaled out of his mouth. 

Kanzeon was waiting for him. Just thinking of her was like having another hand to help him lift the mountain on his shoulders. He knocked at her door and smiled as she happily greeted him with an embrace.

“You’re just in time! I was just reheating the leftovers for lunch. Hope you don’t mind that,” she informed him.

“Of course not. When did you wake up?”

“Eh, only about an hour ago. Did you have to stick that note on my face?”

Kakashi only smiled cheekily, but only his right eye showed that. As he sat down at the table, he asked, “So, what’s the mission? Sounds important.”

“Escorting somebody. He’s the son of a civilian village leader in the north. Apparently it’s a half-day’s journey from their village to the Valley of the End, but they’re civilians. They heard about Orochimaru’s attack and wanted to check on us, make sure we’ll still be able to support them, maybe even send some help.”

“Lady Tsunade made this mission sound way more important,” he commented. In his head, he added, _‘Let the world know, my ass.’_

“Well, ever since he came to Konoha, he’s been receiving death threats. And the death threats were being posted at Lady Tsunade’s place, so she convinced him to put up a request for her guest’s peace of mind. They both fear that he’ll be attacked on his way back.”

“Death threats?”

“The village he’s from is also close to the border with the Land of Sound. We’re not sure who is sending the threats, but the guy’s convinced that Sound shinobi are after him for reaching out to Konoha. And considering what’s just happened here, Lady Tsunade figured it best to throw me in. All I have to do is make sure my team is safe, maybe stay in his village with them for a while, and then head back once he feels safe.”

“So much for just an escort mission.” 

“Yeah. Since I’ll be gone for quite a while, I was wondering if you could water my plants for me while I’m gone?”

“Kanzeon, I have my missions, too. I think you’re just worried about going on a new mission after so long.”

“Please? Just once every two weeks?”

Kakashi almost choked on his food from laughing. She could not seriously be thinking she’d be gone for that long! He met her gaze, almond eyes pleading. He was positive that she was only pulling this cute schtick, but he knew no matter how much she did anything ironically, there was a slight truth in there. 

She cherished those plants. He knew how much they meant to her. Some of them were her only remnants of those she had lost, like her little mandarin tree that her mother planted. 

Which reminded him, he was definitely going to agree since those mandarins were way more succulent than ones in the market. It was nearing time for some of those to be harvested anyway.

“Fine.” He sighed and closed his eye. “I’ll do it.”

“Yay!” She beamed. “Before I leave, I’ll give you my key! If any of them die when I get back, I’m blaming you!”

“Okay.”

Kanzeon let out a mischievous giggle and lifted a bulk of her hair back over her left shoulder as Kakashi took a sip from his cup. When he noticed the big patches of deep red-purple he had given her last night all along the side of her neck, he almost spit out his water. He didn’t think they would be _that_ bad, but he forgot that Kanzeon was... _delicate,_ to put it lightly.

“What are you going to do about those?” Kakashi asked through his coughing fit, pointing at her neck.

“Wear the regular uniform instead, I guess.” Kanzeon pouted, her bottom lip jutting out. “No thanks to you.”

“You were singing quite a different tune last night,” Kakashi teased, causing her cheeks to redden as she glared at him.

“Eat,” she commanded with a huff, placing a slice of _chashu_ onto his rice and hitting her chopsticks against the rim of his bowl.

He tried to meet her gaze, but she refused to look him in the eye. She had such an angry pout on her face that he couldn't take her seriously. He gathered as much strength he had to not laugh and said, “Yes, ma’am!”


	5. Death and All His Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes from the Coldplay song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvoM6TK8O6w

_Kakashi and Monju stood back-to-back,_ _kunai_ _out. Kakashi scanned their surroundings on high alert._

_Their assassination mission had been a trap. The five Anbu were ambushed, and now it was down to three of them. These enemies were good, considering that Monju had been hiding up until then when they forced him out of his watch in the trees._

_Kakashi figured it was his only chance to actually see Monju in action._

_“Cover me!” Monju exclaimed. “Fire Style: Fiery Tails Jutsu!”_

_Kakashi heard the eruption of flames and Monju’s roaring exhale through his teeth. He felt the intense heat sear the back of his neck and he could even see the approaching enemy thanks to the bright golden orange illumination. Kakashi briefly sparred with the cloaked figure, his kunai hitting the enemy’s broadsword. He could see the massive fan of flames coming from Monju’s mouth in the reflection of the metal blades. He heard the panicked screams of the unfortunate souls caught in the incredible horizontal range. Judging by the dimming and brightening of the glow, Monju must have been moving his head up and down to create a vertical sweep._

_The flames dissipated, and the darkness shrouded them once more. Still, Kakashi could see in the light of the waning moon._

_“Kuma! On your left!” he exclaimed before crossing blades with his enemy again._

_Kakashi gave a massive push forward, sending the figure back a few meters as he jumped into the air and sent down a barrage of shuriken. While his opponent did manage to dodge and block most of them, Kakashi saw a couple slice an arm and leg and embedding in the outer thigh. Kakashi lunged forward with his kunai, sending it through the air. The blade passed clean through the center of his opponent’s chest. He ran to the fallen body, ripping off the hood to make sure it wasn't a clone or substitute. Sure enough, it was a man, dead._

_After pulling out his weapon from the body, Kakashi sprinted back to Monju’s side. He slashed down this new enemy’s back, stabbed the kunai into their back, yanked it out, and sliced the blade across their neck. He kicked the body onto its back before it had the time to slump down._

_“Inko!” Monju’s voice caused Kakashi to turn, and that was when he noticed the concealed enemy diving for him._

_That turn barely saved him. A long katana meant to impale his back ended up cutting across his stomach. It wasn't a deep cut — shallow enough to keep his intestines intact —, but it hurt like hell. With every breath, his blood poured out. The slash spanned the width of his torso. He held an arm against the wound as he stabbed the opponent through the back, the blade of his kunai sinking to the hilt. The opponent fell flat on their face, forever gripping their sword._

_Kakashi stumbled several meters to the edge of the clearing and leaned against a tree to catch his breath and gather his wits. He removed the arm against his stomach to glance down at the gushing wound and almost wrapped himself around the tree from the pain. The wound kept stretching as he moved. He could feel it. Kakashi gulped at the resurgence of a memory he fought so hard to keep down._

Was this what his father felt years ago on that fateful night?

_Surely not for long. Kakashi placed his arms over the slash again and arched his back up like a hissing cat. The pain — despite its intensity — eased ever so slightly as he leaned against the tree._

_He saw Shika — the other surviving Anbu — wrestle with the last opponent near where Kakashi's last opponent laid. However, he noticed that Shika’s mask had a massive crack down the middle, starting from some impact at the forehead. She looked like she was struggling immensely, and Kakashi could make out several growing bloodstains on her clothes. Her enemy quickly caught her off-guard, stabbing her in the stomach with a dagger and causing her to keel over._

_Kakashi tried to stand up straight to run to her aid, only to be brutally reminded that his stomach was sliced open. He was forced against the tree once more._

_“Fire Style: Comet Crash Jutsu!”_

_Monju bolted across Kakashi’s line of sight, and a bright orange glow filled the dark night._

_A geyser of flames shot out from the enemy’s back as Monju sent them flying back, still holding a kunai in his outstretched hand. The opponent fell back. Kakashi could see a single stab out in their chest and a massive crater in their back._

_Monju knelt down beside Shika, his back to Kakashi, while Kakashi himself slumped to the ground with his head against the trunk. It was over._

_“Hold on, Inko! I’m treating Shika first!” Monju exclaimed as he slipped off his gauntlets and gloves._

_Kakashi saw the ethereal glow of the healing Mystical Palm Jutsu, Monju’s broad silhouette surrounding in a faint green. He closed his eyes as he relaxed the muscles in his face and neck to focus on dulling the pain from the laceration, his chin falling to his chest. He wanted to breathe a little deeper, but the pain from the injury forced him to take extremely shallow breaths._

_He didn't hear the rustling. He didn't see the shadow that fell over him. What he did hear were the growls, the clacking of a metal blade in a hilt. His head snapped up, and he saw the enemy he had stabbed in the back standing up, gripping their katana with both hands. The silhouette blocked Kakashi’s view of Monju and Shika. The form began to charge away from Kakashi._

_The adrenaline raced through his veins. The pain faded away almost instantaneously. His eyes widened as his hands away from his stomach to form the three hand signs. He held his right arm out, palm up and fingers curled, while his left hand held his right wrist. He scowled as he gathered as much electricity into his hand as he could. The glowing orb forming in his hand crackled, but Kakashi forced more electricity into it until he heard the satisfying chirp of a thousand birds._

“Raikiri!”

_In a single motion, Kakashi was back on his feet and diving right towards the back of this opponent who refused to die. He thrust his right hand directly in front of him, teeming with the lightning ball and aiming right for the heart._

_Blood splattered across Kakashi’s mask and chest. The oozing warmth coated his entire right forearm. Upon the jolting impact, the enemy's body stiffened as the volts raced through them. They slumped back, and Kakashi met their wide eyes on an upside down face, blood trailing up their cheeks from their parted mouth. Crying in reverse. Their arms hung behind them, as if they had been suspended in the air on a pike through their spine. And then it hit Kakashi. Their hands were empty, and he never heard or felt the katana drop._

_As the electricity faded, Kakashi yanked his hand out of the body’s torso and pushed it out of the way, pulling the curtain back to reveal the katana jutting from Monju’s back and piercing straight through his chest. Kakashi didn’t even see Shika eliminate her own body, outshined by the light from his_ Raikiri. 

_A horrifying, sputtering cough erupted from Monju, and his body leaned to one side. Kakashi quickly caught him and laid down the older Anbu on his side gently. He stepped around Monju’s head and knelt to face his friend. With a trembling hand, Kakashi took off Monju’s mask._

_His face was covered in his own blood, the spattered streaks gleaming in the faint moonlight. With wide eyes, Kakashi twisted his wrist to flip over the mask. Blood all over the inside._

_A green glow caught Kakashi’s attention. It came from Monju’s hand. Yes, of course. He could heal himself! Everything was going to be fine._

_But the hand hovered over Kakashi’s stomach._

_“No!” Kakashi cried out loud, grabbing Monju’s wrist with his free left hand.._

_Kakashi tried to push Monju’s hand away, but the adrenaline had died down. The pain enveloped him again, and he keeled forward. Monju used his other hand to brush off Kakashi’s grip and took Kakashi’s hand while the healing hand sat over Kakashi’s stomach. The pain ebbed away, combined with a slight itch as the skin closed, but Kakashi’s thoughts swirled around his head like a typhoon._

_The Fiery Tails Jutsu. The Comet Crash Jutsu. This healing jutsu. Whatever chakra Monju had left was being used to keep himself alive. The realization froze Kakashi on the spot. No. No, this could not be happening. Not Monju. Anybody but Monju. It could’ve been himself for all he cared._

‘Stop. Please stop. Don’t heal it all the way. What are you doing? Stop,’ _Kakashi begged in his head, but Monju healed his wound completely. He then clasped his hand over Kakashi’s, trapping the younger Anbu’s left hand between his._

_“Why?” Kakashi asked, his voice coming out as a broken whisper. He then repeated himself and shouted, “Why?!”_

_An agonized smile stretched across Monju’s lips._

_“You’ll be fine, Kakashi.” Even his voice sounded so strained, as if he was using every last bit of strength to speak. “You’ll be fine without me.”_

_“Me!? What about_ you _!?”_

_Monju closed his eyes, and Kakashi felt his heart drop to his knees. Luckily, Monju opened them and spoke again._

_“After becoming Hokage again,_ Sandaime _’s first mission for me was to make sure you weren’t alone outside of missions for a few months. And then I made a few months become a few years.” A pause as Monju winced and struggled to gulp. “But I need to let go. You’ve grown a lot. You’ve made other friends, like that Root kid and your rival.”_

‘But they’re friends! You’re my _brother_!’ _he so desperately wanted to shout._

_“But what about Kanze — ” Kakashi choked up but forced himself to say her name. “What about Kanzeon?”_

_With a surprising surge of strength, Monju pulled Kakashi’s hand, causing him to lean down, and held their clasped hands over his heart. Kakashi’s wrist sat against the blade jutting through Monju’s chest. Monju squeezed Kakashi’s hand, forcing him to look at him._

_“Take care of her for me...”_

_Kakashi could hear the immense strain of Monju’s voice. He felt the warmth surrounding his left hand fade away as the clasped hands loosened. Kakashi instinctively squeezed the hand under his, naively believing that by physically holding onto Monju tighter, he wouldn’t die._

_“Keep her safe…”_

_Monju’s eyes trailed off to the side, away from Kakashi’s gaze and up to the sky behind him. The dread filled up Kakashi’s chest, the back of his throat building up a strange pressure. Monju blinked slowly, and his eyes met Kakashi’s again._

_“...won’t you?”_

_Kakashi bowed his head, bringing Monju’s hand to the forehead of his mask._

‘Keep it together. You have to.’

_He swallowed, forcing down that bump in his throat. He then lifted his head again and nodded._

_“I promise.”_

_Monju smiled weakly and closed his eyes. A blue glow enveloped his body, and Kakashi sprawled backwards, only being able to watch as yet another person he held so dearly to his heart perished before his eyes. The blue flames felt so cold and hollow compared to the warm orange ones that Monju produced proficiently. Monju always made the worst things feel better, but now he was gone._

_The blue light faded. Kakashi, in the dark yet again. He sat on his knees, his head bowed and his arms resting languidly at his side. Defeated and broken. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Kakashi felt a cold water droplet splat on the crown of his head, sending a chill down his entire spine. And then another on his shoulder, on his arm, on his thigh._

_Kakashi held Monju’s mask in front of him. The only trace he had left of him. Raindrops fell on the mask and ran down the cheeks like tears. In that mask, he saw his past mistakes, and as the rain intensified, so did the magnitude of his failures. He tried so hard to make up for them, but he only ended up making things worse. He was going to have to report to Lord Hokage about this._

_And then he was going to have to face Kanzeon._

_In the darkness, Kakashi could only see the broken bodies and faces of the people he loved as the life drained out of them. He squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head, the foreheads of his mask and Monju’s meeting with a soft thud. His hot tears streamed down his cheeks, the only comfort against the cold rain. He leaned forward against Monju’s mask, as if to press harder against his forehead, and let his silent sobs wrack his body. He fell forward onto the mask while still on his knees, as if he were kneeling in prayer. And in a way, he was. Begging for forgiveness, begging for some divine second chance to start over and finish off that enemy properly._

“Take care of her for me. Keep her safe, won’t you?” _Monju’s mask seemed to ask, uttering his last words._

_His terrible memories parted just for a moment, and in that clarity, Kakashi could see Kanzeon. He could see her standing there, bathed in a warm golden light, with her long hair down and in a dress-like t-shirt. He could see her turning, her hair spanning up and out like a long skirt and following the rotation of her body. Before long, the warmth of the idea shattered as he reminded himself that he failed to save her brother, and everything turned bleak and gray as this imaginary Kanzeon fell to her knees, the sorrow and anguish clouding his mind again. But it was enough._

_Enough to make him lift his head. Enough to make him wipe the tears from his face. Enough to make him stand up. Enough to make him add the mask to the side of his head. Enough to make him put one foot in front of the other. Enough for him to remember that he made a promise._

_And this time, he wasn’t going to break it. For Obito, for Rin, for his former sensei, for Monju. Let them all watch and smile from wherever they were with pride. And for Kanzeon. Take her hand in his and overcome the pain together._

* * *

Kakashi squatted on the roof of the Hokage Residence. Up here, he bathed in the fading orange light of the setting sun, but below him, a broad yet soft shadow coated the streets. He had a decent view of the front courtyard from here. He spotted the guest, dressed in a hooded cloak, along with the three guards from their village, and the four assigned jōnin. He saw the guest and Lady Tsunade briefly converse with the group before they started moving. The three personal guards stood in an inverted triangle around the guest while the four jōnin walked a few paces behind them. He quickly figured out which one was Kanzeon.

The jōnin walked in a diamond formation, and Kanzeon was the one in the very back. Typical. He almost didn’t recognize her since she was wearing the typical indigo shirt and green flak jacket. He just knew she pulled up the rolled collar of the shirt to hide the marks all over her neck. The one thing that prevented Kakashi from immediately distinguishing her was her hair. It was tied in a low ponytail rather than a braid, creating a single black cascade down her back. 

As the group headed for the gate, Kakashi followed them from above, running across rooftops and leaping over the gaps between buildings. He would stop when he reached the perimeter walls, but for as long as he could, he was keeping an eye on her — figuratively _and_ literally — and keeping his promise.

The sun had completely dipped below the horizon by the time Kakashi watched the group of eight pass through the gate. From his spot on the perimeter wall, he stood still, firmly planting his feet on the ground. He couldn’t go any further. He watched Kanzeon’s back inch towards the horizon.

Suddenly, she turned around and looked behind her. She must have sensed him watching her. She did a full 180° horizontal sweep behind her before she glanced upwards. Naturally, her eyes fell on Kakashi. After all, he was the only one up here. 

He caught a flash of her pearlescent smile, though it could have been the floating, ghostly particles in his vision. She then raised her arm and gave him a casual two-fingered salute, the tips of her middle and index finger briefly against the side of her forehead before she opened her arm forward at the elbow, sending the greeting upwards to him. He responded, sending his salute down to her. 

She probably wanted to blow him a kiss, but the shinobi stationed at the gate would have definitely seen it. Once she turned away to catch up to her team and grew too small to make out, Kakashi figured it was probably best to visit Lady Tsunade for his next assignment. After all, she was probably waiting for him now that Kanzeon was officially off on her mission. 

Well! What else was there to do anyway? He’d probably pull his hair out if he was just sitting around waiting for her to come back. Might as well be productive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made a naruto animatic for fun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdMk6e64d_k  
> plz check it out :')


	6. The Shell of Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This also might be the only chapter from Kanzeon's POV, sorry about that. I've also been looping The Second Narrator's orchestral cover of "Battle Against A True Hero" while writing this chapter, so if you want to add that to the playlist, go4it:  
> https://youtu.be/HxBPeePUjW8

“Come _on,_ Kanzeon! We can probably just cook it for dinner! I hear you’re a good cook!” 

“You’re kidding! That thing is still way too small to eat! Let her do her thing.”

“Guys, we have to catch up! I’m sure they’ve got plenty of food at the camp. Besides, it’s gonna rain soon!”

“I’m telling you guys to _go ahead!_ It won’t take long!” Kanzeon urged as she placed one hand near the broken leg of the fawn. She began to speak softly to it, telling it that everything was going to be okay. Poor thing was probably terrified thanks to her team’s yelling.

She sensed them about to object and argue again, but the soft, sea green glow surrounding her right hand silenced them.

“Alright, _fine._ See you at the camp.”

And with that, Kanzeon was alone. She used her other hand to reset the bone in place, wincing as she forced the bone fragments to align. The fawn tried to skitter to its feet from what Kanzeon assumed to be the worst pain it had ever felt in its life.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she cooed. “It’ll be alright soon.”

She then placed her hand surrounded in glowing chakra over the broken leg, pouring that essence into the small creature. After a while, the fawn began to stand up, its legs trembling, and Kanzeon removed her hand. She watched as the young animal pranced off and disappeared into a bush with a slight rustling of the leaves. She let out a sigh of relief. Time to find that camp. 

She stood up, brushing the dirt off her knees and pushing up her glasses. A fat raindrop plopped directly on the crown of her head, causing her to glance up at the sky. Another raindrop landed on one of her glasses lenses. She used a hand to warm the top of her head. Her hands then went behind her neck, splitting her ponytail in two to pull up the slipping red ribbon to the nape of her neck. She could almost hear Kakashi teasing her and calling her an old lady. 

He was probably receiving his new mission now. And probably something S-ranked. It was Kakashi, after all. He could do just about anything. Meanwhile, she was here reluctantly. 

When the Third Hokage offered her to join the Anbu when she was thirteen, she said no. And then she asked if she could stop being a shinobi. She had taken off her forehead protector and held it out to the Third Hokage. He sat her down and asked her why she wanted to leave, and she simply said she didn’t have the heart for it and that the Third Hokage — who always called her a delicate poppy flower — knew it. She wanted to be in the hospital where she could be useful and help those in need. She couldn’t hurt others. 

But the Third Hokage took her hand, closed her fingers over the metal plate, and told her words that resonated with her to this day.

_“You have a loving heart, and to me, that is a heart of a Konohagakure shinobi. You are not fighting to hurt. You are fighting to protect. After all, it’s in your blood.”_

She wanted to protest then that she just wasn’t strong enough, mentally and emotionally; she wasn’t like her older brother, who was strong in every possible aspect. She wanted to argue that she wasn’t able to protect Gekkeiju, Shōsha, and Tama-sensei that terrible night. 

Tama-sensei, the woman who helped Kanzeon grow. Natsu Shōsha, the prodigy child whom Kanzeon saw as a little brother. Hana Gekkeiju, the diligent and proud guy whom Kanzeon loved and knew that those feelings were reciprocated. They fought to protect each other, and somehow, she was the only one who made it out alive. She failed at doing the one thing she was meant to do. How could she call herself a kunoichi?

Yet the Third Hokage took her forehead protector and tied it around her head a little too tightly. He then put a hand on the top of her head. 

_“Do you want to help this village, Kanzeon?”_

_“I want to help this village and everyone in it. I want everyone to be safe and healthy and happy.”_

_“Good. You are strong, Kanzeon. You learned how to use wind chakra from just watching your brother train with my son and can use it better than Monju can. You’re a worthy kunoichi, and I know your parents would be proud if they saw you and Monju now.”_

_“Thank you, sir.”_

So here she was. She told herself that her mission was to make sure her team was okay above all while providing first aid to the others if necessary. 

A chilling breeze rattled the branches above her head. She glanced up right as a spray of droplets showered her. She made out the silhouettes of the swaying branches against the cloudy night sky. She chose to pick up the pace and run along the path, still able to make out the light imprints in the dry dirt. With the quickening drops of rain, she didn’t have long before she lost the trail completely.

She reached the clearing where she could see the remains of a campfire. She gazed upwards and saw the faintest stream of smoke in the sky, becoming one with the clouds above. And then she noticed the three bodies around the campfire. She quickly ran over to them, checking each one. 

They were the guards from the other village. Their faces were forever frozen with agape mouths and wide eyes. She quickly placed a hand over their eyes to close their perpetual horrified gaze. She then drew a kunai knife from the pouch at her thigh. Her fingers brushed against her metal brisé fan. She considered drawing that out instead but chose to hide it up the long sleeve of her left arm. Crouching down beside the campfire, she then scanned the entire clearing once more, holding her breath to completely silence herself to hear through the wind and the rain better. 

Nothing. She slowly exhaled through her nose as her heart pounded. What was going on? Did those assassins get to them? Had they failed their mission? Or was her team fighting the assailants right now? She pushed up her glasses with the back of her hand, still holding the knife. 

And then she noticed a dip in the tall grass. She quickly made her way to it, not wanting her head to poke up higher than the blades of grass, and discovered the body of one of her teammates. She quickly rolled them over onto their back. Blood trickled down one corner of his mouth, and his eyes were half open, eyes glassy and distance. Refusing to believe he was dead, she held two fingers in front of his nose. Nothing. She put her ear to his chest. Silence. 

She was too late. Again. She let out a huff and winced as she shut her eyes, holding back the tears. She felt so useless, so utterly helpless. All these years, and she still wasn’t any good. Her sad excuse for a medical ninja. In her fallen teammate, Kanzeon saw little Shōsha’s face, cheeks still chubby from the baby fat that had yet to shed, staring into the sky with the exact same look on his face. She half-expected Gekkeiju to shout her name and jump directly in front of a blast of flames for her. But then a realization snapped her from her creeping despair. 

Where was the fatal wound? Come to think of it, those guards didn’t have any visible injuries either. What happened?

She sat up, inspecting the body all over. Nothing. She glanced around, spotting another dip in the grass. She made her way to it and found the body of another teammate, face down in the ground. She checked her body. Definitely dead, but again with no external injuries. What was going on? Who was she up against? And where was Miru, their client? If it had truly been an assassination, then why wasn’t his body with his guards?

She prayed for her last teammate. Maybe he survived and took Miru away safely. As Kanzeon glanced around the clearing, she spotted a third dip in the grass near the treeline. Still maintaining cover, she rushed to the place of intrigue, only to find her teammate dead. The cold rainwater seeped into her skull, a permanent chill forcing every hair on her body to stand upright.

Kanzeon looked up from the body, looking into the forest. She knew somebody had to be there. Somebody had to have been trailing them from the moment they left Konoha. They had to know that they killed seven out of eight. And they probably already saw her run out to the campfire. They knew she was here.

For a moment, she considered just bolting back to Konoha. She could make it back pretty quickly since they had been traveling at civilian pace, but this enemy clearly had the skill to take her out no matter how fast she ran. 

She had to fight. And even though she could no longer protect her teammates, she was going to fight to protect herself. Monju always told her that she couldn’t do anything if she got hurt. Forget the mission, live another day, and try again. Words their father left for them.

Gripping the hilt of her kunai, she held her breath again to listen more intently. A distinct rustle directly in front of her. She then threw the kunai forward, the blade whistling from its intense speed. She quickly performed the various hand seals. A crackling thud cut through the rainy forest as the kunai embedded into a tree several meters away. At the same time, Kanzeon hissed, _“Fire Style: Fiery Tails Jutsu!”_

She let her hidden fan in her sleeve drop into her hand as she stood up. She took a great inhale, her chest puffing up and out, as she opened the fan and laid it out horizontally in front of her mouth. She then let out the inferno in her mouth, blowing directly onto the surface of her face. The stream of bright, golden-orange flames split into several smaller jets, following the crevices from the overlapping blades of her fan. She then turned her head, her fan following, from side to side to increase the range of the jutsu. The rain sizzled as they made contact with the flames like an enraged snake. 

Both of these attacks were not meant to actually harm. She only wanted to draw her opponent out, maybe even catch a glimpse of them. Sure enough, she noticed a shadow dash behind a tree all the way off to her right. She took a breath, causing the flames to disappear. Her chakra blade fan glowed a faint reddish-orange from the heat, steam coming off its surface as the rain hit it. She flapped it as she ran towards her enemy to cool it off quicker. She had to save her chakra. Just in case she had to use _that_ ability.

She then took out a handful of shuriken, throwing them at the tree this deadly shadow had ducked behind. Four consecutive thuds, and Kanzeon stopped dead in her tracks when she realized she had been duped. She folded up her fan, tucking it up her sleeve again. It was still uncomfortably hot against her skin, but it wouldn’t burn her since she didn’t knead enough chakra into fire at first.

She was foolish. By the time she realized that the enemy was coming from behind her, her head already jerked back as they grabbed her ponytail. However, she reflexively fought against the pulling by diving forward.

By some miracle, it worked. Maybe a little too seamlessly. Her long hair fell around her, and Kanzeon realized that by some divine intervention, the enemy grabbed her ponytail by the silk ribbon holding it together, and when she dove forward, the ribbon just slid off. She quickly rolled to one side, narrowly dodging an attack from her enemy. She noticed that blue chakra enveloped the hand aimed at her. Kanzeon took the opportunity to leap onto her feet as the cloaked figure lost their balance, quickly recovering by somersaulting and lunging for Kanzeon again with their glowing hand. She quickly realized that they were using Chakra Scalpels offensively and twisted her body to avoid a slam to the center of her chest. 

As their arm narrowly passed over her chest, she quickly jammed her index and middle finger into their inner upper arm, aiming for the pressure point on the bicep. The blue glow faded, meaning Kanzeon hit her target, but she wasn’t done yet. She then stuck her fingers right above their armpit where the shoulder met the chest, another pressure point capable of painfully rendering the entire arm useless. If only she had enough reaction time to use Chakra Scalpels herself. But she had to save her chakra.

The figure let out a cry of anguish as their arm completely relaxed. Kanzeon then lifted her knee right into their groin, causing them to groan again. Based on what she heard and felt, she was fighting a male opponent. Despite the blows she delivered, he sent his fist straight into the side of her face. Her head snapped to one side, her glasses flying off. She let her body follow, landing on her side and rolling a little before standing back up, creating some distance between her and her opponent. 

Without her glasses, everything blurred together, especially with the water droplets collecting on her eyelashes. Still, she could make out the shadow before her. He stood, slightly hunched over, with the hand that punched her gripping his injured shoulder. She then caught the familiar green glow of the healing jutsu surrounding his shoulder. 

“I almost thought I was fighting a Hyūga,” came the slightly strained voice from underneath the cloak. 

The movement of the hood indicated that he lifted his head, and Kanzeon momentarily caught a slight glint of glasses and the water droplets clinging to the lenses. Still, she couldn’t make out his face. It was too dark, and her unaided vision wasn’t sharp enough to see that far.

“What, you don’t recognize me, Kanzeon? I used to think you were the prettiest girl in Konoha, watching you run around the hospital. Now that I’m older, I see you’ve become a beautiful woman.” The compliment came out as a predatory snarl, and Kanzeon took a step back. 

She gulped. She did not appreciate being at a disadvantage. He knew who she was, but she had no clue as to who he was. Someone who grew up in Konoha, of course, but that could’ve been anyone. And even if she was supposed to recognize him based on that shoddy information, she couldn’t see a thing.

What she did know, however, was that this guy was _good._ He took those hits pretty well, and he still had the strength to punch her in the face and the nerve to strike up a disgusting conversation.

“Who are you? What did you do to Miru?” she demanded.

“Oh, him? I left him in Konoha. Anyhow, I need to make this quick. I’m expected.”

Kanzeon already had her hands on her shuriken and flung them. Every single one, dodged. She grabbed another kunai and charged at him, only for her opponent to counter with his own kunai. She furrowed her eyebrows down in concentration as she struggled to push against him. Her eyes moved up in an attempt to meet his gaze, but she could only see the definitive round shapes of glasses, his eyes hidden behind the streaming droplets.

She noticed his other hand loaded with another Chakra Scalpel, and she poured all her might into her arm, pushing him away and taking several steps back. She was fighting a losing battle. This guy outclassed her. 

She dropped the fan into her left hand, her fingers closing around the ends of the blades. She held the shut fan out in front of her as if it were a sword. She then twisted her wrist inward, causing the fan to point directly down at the ground. She quickly flicked her wrist in the opposite direction and opened her hand, the fan opening almost at once as it flew up in front of her face. With her right hand, she grabbed the base of the now-open fan, snatching her weapon right from the air. She held it in front of her face, as if she were to fan her face. She then closed her eyes and focused, imbuing it with fire chakra. The wide, outer edge of her fan began to radiate heat and light, her forehead and cheeks feeling the brunt of it.

_“Veil of Dancing Flames!”_

Twisting her hand so that her Chakra Blade fan ran parallel to the ground, Kanzeon spun and danced, moving her arms in broad, swiping motions. The flames on the edge of her fan shot out in an arc at her opponent like a semicircle sheet of fire with every movement of her left hand. In the flashes of orange light as the flames spanned outward, she saw him narrowly dodge every single attack. Each slash generated more hissing noises as the falling rain boiled on contact. At one point, his cloak caught fire, but he managed to extinguish it and began to charge at her. 

She refused to let him take another step towards her. She quickly performed a few hand seals with her pinky finger through the large ring on the rivet of her fan. 

_“Wind Style: Dancing Fan Storm!”_

She forced the air in her mouth into her right cheek and blew. A stream of wind burst from the right corner of her mouth, and she threw her fan into the current. She then moved her bottom lip to adjust the airflow, guiding her fan in a wide arc around her opponent while simultaneously creating a miniature vortex of air. She could see him struggle against the wind, his arms covering his head as he widened his stance in order to keep his footing. The grass around him ripped up from the ground as the gusts lashed at his arms, torso, and legs.

Thanks to her own tornado, the rain came at her sideways, her own wet hair plastering her face and neck. Her fan, caught in the slashing gusts, constantly sliced across his body. When her fan was at the right angle behind her opponent, she quickly inhaled to draw her fan towards her, but her enemy caught on quickly, ducking to the ground. She caught her fan in her left hand as it returned to her, holding it up and out like a shield. 

She couldn’t use any more _jutsu_ now. She still had a ways to go before exhausting her chakra reserves, but she still saved it just in case; her last resort needed every bit of strength. As her opponent leapt to his feet, she tucked it back into her sleeve. Despite the lacerations, he was still coming at her. If she fought, she would absolutely lose, so her best option was to run. She turned on her heel and bolted towards the opposite end of the clearing. But her opponent was fast. She could hear his stomping footsteps as the gap between them gradually closed.

It reminded her of that night, years ago. The Nine-Tails’ attack. The night she lost Shōsha, Gekkeiju, and Tama-sensei. In their desperate realization of imminent death, Tama-sensei had pulled Kanzeon to her feet from under Gekkeiju’s body, and the two ran through the trees with the blasting roar of the demon fox chasing them. 

_“Use it, Kanzeon! Now!”_

Kanzeon wasn’t sure whether that memory was so vivid in her mind or if the spirit of Tama-sensei was guiding her now. Whichever it was, she took it as a sign. She couldn’t fight, she couldn’t run. She had to use her last resort. 

She froze in her tracks. She closed her eyes, took a deep inhale through her nose, and released the exhale through her mouth. She began the special hand seals, silently chanting the words that helped her to both channel her energy and memorize the hand seals. 

_“Na.”_ Hands together, as if in prayer. The knuckles slightly bent. Fingers straight. The fingers down to the first joint touching. The big fleshy part of the palms beneath the thumbs and the side of the hand below the pinky touching. 

_“Man.”_ The ring finger bending down to form a ring with the thumb on both hands. The right hand turning 180° to point down to the ground while the left hand remained upright. The wrists of the hands touching. 

_“Da.”_ Hands flat. Almost like the _Saru_ or Monkey hand seal except with both palms facing upwards.

 _“Bu — ”_ The index finger forming a ring with the thumb on both hands. The right hand arching backwards with the left hand flipping over and arching over the right, the thumb against the back of the right hand. This hand seal looked like the number _“99.”_

 _“ — tsu!”_ Kanzeon clapped her hands together, squeezing her eyes shut. The sound rang through the clearing. 

_“Seisaikara!”_ she exclaimed, throwing her eyes open wide. 

Her chakra surged through her entire body, giving her a moment of clear vision. She noticed her opponent coming at her with a Chakra Scalpel. She forced this raging chakra into her right hand, specifically, the tips of her index and middle finger . Every drop of strength, all her might from every muscle spindle. Her opponent stopped, wary of the pressure of the sudden strength emanating from her body. Kanzeon slipped her fan out, opening it as she twisted her body so that her left art covered her while her right arm remained hidden behind her. 

With her face hidden behind her open fan, Kanzeon held up her two fingers, palm facing her. She pointed her fingers at her eyebrows and bent her wrist forehead, making her fingers pass over her eyelids. Index finger over her right eye, middle finger over her left eye. Her eyes closed as her fingers moved over them. With that, every single muscle in her body relaxed. She felt her finger tips brush against her cheek as her hand fell to her side. Her fan dropped to the ground, and her body swayed to one side. 

Kanzeon used smaller versions of this technique on other escort missions. Usually to protect the heart and neck. She used it on the _daimyō_ ’s niece and infant child. But the first time she ever used the full ability of her father’s _kekkei genkai_ on herself was on that terrible night when Tama-sensei screamed her final words to her. But back then, she still had Monju around to break the ability for her. Now that her brother was dead…

She heard the sounds of the grass rustling, muted as if she had cloth over her ears. Surely she had fallen to the ground by now, but with the _Seisaikara,_ she couldn't feel a thing from the outside. Inside, she felt so cold. 

Her final thoughts were a silent prayer. A prayer for her only hope. There was only one person that she knew of who could break _Seisaikara,_ the Shell of Life. She could see him in her darkening mind. His soft, silver hair. His veiled face. 

_“Kakashi…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I know you might be confused. I should clarify now that Kakashi is not related to the Gūzō Clan in any way, shape, or form. He sees Monju as a brother figure and loves Kanzeon. But it is not a mistake that Kakashi is able to counter the kekkei genkai of their clan (there's a part way back in chapter one about Kakashi almost lying about their kekkei genkai).  
> What Kanzeon said with her hand seals aren't actually the name of the hand seals. It's a kind of like a prayer-chant in Buddhism. In Japanese, it's called "nembutsu." What Kanzeon chants is a variation of the nembutsu which basically means "I take refuge in the (Buddha of) Infinite Light." Took a little digging to find a particular Japanese variation with five syllables and is also actually used.


	7. Twice A Broken Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been looping Lewis Capaldi's "Before You Go" while writing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUMASnXYJ5k

“Took you long enough, Kakashi,” Tsunade greeted as terse as ever. “The escort party set out at sunset. It’s entirely dark now. Don’t tell me you followed them all the way to the gate.”

“Well, then I won’t say anything.”

Kakashi watched Tsunade sigh, putting her head in her hands. She then lifted her head with her hands folded over her mouth.

“I understand you’re concerned about Kanzeon. Trust me, I am, too, but she’s not a little girl. She’s a jōnin.”

“I know, Lady Tsunade.”

“But don’t worry for too long. Once everything is stable again, I’ll consider making her a teacher for future medical ninja.” Another sigh. Tsunade glanced to the side before looking back at Kakashi again. “Of course, it won’t be easy, and there’s still so much going on right now.”

“I understand. So, this new mission — ”

_ “Lady Tsunade!” _

Kakashi looked over his shoulder as Shizune burst into Tsunade’s office. 

“What’s the meaning of this?” Tsunade asked, her irritation on her sleeve.

“It’s Miru!” Shizune leaned forward, her hands on her knees and panting. “He’s been killed! But he’s still in his room!”

“What!?” Tsunade jumped up. “Impossible! I personally saw him off! Take me to him. Kakashi, come with me.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Kakashi and Shizune said in unison. 

Shizune led the way to one of the guest rooms in the Hokage Residence, the three of them racing through the halls. Kakashi was trying to comprehend the situation, a sinking feeling in his stomach. Miru? And Tsunade personally saw him off? Could it be…?

Shizune pulled open the door, revealing the body on the ground.

“Tonton led me here. I think she smelled his body! I looked around and she pointed at the closet. I opened it, and he fell out!”

Tsunade ran in, flipping over the body. She checked for a pulse and inspected the face. Judging from the way her body tensed up, Kakashi figured it was really Miru. 

“If this is him, then who left with that team…?” Kakashi overheard Tsunade mumbling to herself. 

The Fifth Hokage suddenly gasped, standing up and grabbing Kakashi’s arm. Kakashi turned to face her, seeing her horrified expression staring off into the distance. 

“Kakashi, I know you're not in the Anbu anymore, but I need you to do something for me.”

“Of course.”

“Kanzeon’s team is in danger. Find them!” Her eyes stared into his, and her fear transferred into him. He felt his own eye widen. The dread in his stomach built its way up to his chest. 

_ ‘This is fine. Everything’s fine. She’s fine.’ _

“Yes, ma’am!”

Tsunade let go, and Kakashi bolted out the door. As he ran, he noticed water falling on his head and back. He looked up to the sky, only for a raindrop to splash on his cheek. 

_ ‘Fuck. Not good. We’ll lose the scent at this rate.’ _

Once he sprinted to the gate, he performed some hand seals and slammed his palm to the ground.

_ “Summoning Jutsu!” _

In a poofing cloud of smoke, his  _ ninken _ pack appeared.

“What is it, Kakashi?” asked Pakkun atop Bull’s head.

“I need each of you to track a scent. Start with Kanzeon’s. She’s with seven other people. We need to find them as soon as possible. I’ll be right behind you.”

“Yes, sir.” Pakkun leapt off Bull’s head, and the ninja hounds began to fervently sniff the ground.

As the rain intensified, Kakashi considered changing his order to simply follow Kanzeon’s scent since hers would be the most familiar to them, but he couldn’t play favorites in a dire situation like this. 

At least, not out loud. If she were the sole survivor, he’d be devastated at the loss of shinobi life but relieved at the same time. But what were the chances of that?

No, he should have faith in Kanzeon’s strength. He should have faith in  _ all  _ of their strengths. But whoever this assailant was, they were good; after all, they managed to kill the Hokage’s guest in the Hokage Residence. The three guards and four jōnin were in trouble. But why did Miru’s killer masquerade as him? What was his goal?

Kakashi figured Tsunade was working on figuring out those questions now since he had the task of finding the group. But how long would the assassin keep up their guise? To force his mind to focus on his mission at hand, he quickened his pace to directly trail Pakkun. So far, his pack seemed to follow the same general direction. That was good for now. But the rain kept coming down. Thunder rumbled in the distance. It wouldn’t be long before they lost the scent trail entirely. He just hoped he was able to catch up in time. They couldn’t have gotten far, right? At his speed, he’d catch up in no time.

“The scents split here,” Pakkun announced. “But Kanzeon’s and one other scent somehow follows all the paths.”

“Pakkun, follow hers. The rest of you, find what you can find.”

“Yes, sir.”

Pakkun and four other  _ ninken  _ led Kakashi to the soggy remains of a fireplace. Around the charred earth were three bodies. Three of the hounds stopped, sitting beside each body. Kakashi quickly examined each one of them. He didn’t recognize their faces, and their clothes weren’t of a shinobi. The three guards, then. The three hounds then disappeared in clouds of smoke. Pakkun and Akino continued to sniff around, Akino running to the three other dogs around the clearing. Kakashi stayed with Pakkun. 

Pakkun led Kakashi to Shiba, who sat beside a flattened patch of grass. The scent for Shiba must have ended there, and the hound disappeared behind a poof of smoke. Pakkun continued to sniff around, leading Kakashi to Urushi. Another large, flattened area of grass. Finally, Kakashi followed Pakkun to Bull. A third chunk of trampled grass. Pakkun was the only ninken left, and he continued to arduously sniff the ground. He dashed through the tall grass, stopping before something resting atop the grass blades.

Kakashi bent down to pick up the small object. To his horror, it was a loop of red silk ribbon, soaked with rainwater. The one Kanzeon used to tie her hair up.

Pakkun’s bark rang through the clearing, and Kakashi snapped out of it, looking up and following the sound. Pakkun pointed with his paw to yet another object lying on the ground: a pair of circular glasses. Kakashi picked them up, folding in the temples of the glasses. They sat across his flattened fingers, sitting atop the ribbon loop. He loosely closed his hand to follow Pakkun to the final piece of evidence: a half-open metal brisé fan with a little red lucky knot and tassel hanging off the ring on the rivet of the fan. He sat on both his knees, the wet grass seeping through his pants, and picked up the fan with both hands. 

“I’m sorry, Kakashi,” Pakkun said at last. “I can’t scent anything anymore.”

By now, Akino had returned from his venture through the woods.

“The scent mixes with Kanzeon’s here,” he reported. “But it ends here. There’s too much rain now.”

Pakkun put his paw on Akino’s leg, closing his eyes and shaking his head. Akino nodded and disappeared in smoke. Pakkun then ran up to Kakashi, his fore paws on Kakashi’s thigh.

“We can only hope that Kanzeon and her team got away,” Pakkun told him, but Kakashi just kept staring at the three objects in his hands. Pakkun simply licked an exposed patch of Kakashi’s arm in a vain attempt to comfort the shinobi before leaping down. 

Pakkun lifted his head, a howl in the back of his throat. Right before it could escape his mouth, he vanished behind a cloud.

These three things Kanzeon left him were her final traces. He wanted to hope, but he knew she could barely see clearly without her glasses. And her cherished chakra blade brisé fan, an heirloom from her father and her best weapon. She would never abandon these things. He tried so hard to look for the light, but the reality was cold, brutal, and unforgiving.

Something terrible happened here. And Kanzeon lost. He was too late. Again. He broke his promise to his dying comrade. Again. He was alone.  _ Again _ . 

Warm tears streamed down his face, countering the cold rain on his cheeks. What was she feeling? What was she doing? Was she running? Was she fighting? Did she even know someone was after her? Since her scent was all over the place, did she see her teammates fall? 

A loud peal of thunder boomed overhead, and Kakashi couldn’t hold back anymore. He held his hands to his face, feeling the cool metal of the fan gradually warming under his touch and his tears. He fell forward to the ground, as if kneeling in prayer. And he was truly praying now. Praying for forgiveness.

_ ‘Obito, Monju, I failed you. Rin, Kanzeon, it’s my fault. Obito, I’m sorry. Rin, I’m sorry. Monju…’ _

In his mind, he saw Obito under the rock. Rin uttering his name with the blood spewing from her mouth as the electricity crackled around them. Monju holding his hand to his chest and making his final request — Kakashi’s chance at redemption —with a blade through his chest. His father, laying on his side in a similar fashion on the floor. Minato-sensei’s still, lifeless, cold body beside Kushina’s. It all flashed through his thoughts over and over again. He didn’t know whether to be grateful or ashamed that he did not see Kanzeon’s body, but the lack of closure ate at him. He would never know what happened to her.

He imagined her pale face, the corners of her mouth leaking crimson like Rin. Her almond eyes half-closed in a glossy, distant gaze. Her long hair flowing and swaying as she fell back, landing and spreading like a halo around her head and back. Her final, raven pillow. 

He imagined her face-down in the grass, blood seeping into the earth below from the wounds through her chest or slash across her throat. Her hair veiled her head and hid her wide eyes and parted mouth. The grass crushed against her soft cheek. Her final, green bed.

Another silent sob heaved through his body as he saw her bright and pearlescent smile, heard her bellowing chuckles ring in his ears, felt her silken locks through his fingers, placed his hands on her hips, hugged her warm body against his — all in his head. There was only empty air around him, broken by the heavy rain and held up by the wet grass.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. If anybody were to lose their life in the field, it would be him.

Why? Why was he the one to make it out alive? Why was he the one to bear the burden of survival? Why was he the one to lose everything? Why him? 

Why her, and not him? Why them, and never him? What did they do that cost them their lives?

Or perhaps this was his punishment. For being selfish and wanting something for himself. For believing that he had a right to want something for himself. 

The heavy rain fell against his body. It felt like hands against his back. Maybe it was the dead comforting him, telling him to get back up, and keep living for them. Or maybe it was the dead retaliating, hitting him, and screaming at him for his failures. 

Taking shaky breaths, he lifted his right knee off the ground. His soaked hair fell in front of his face, and he didn’t bother to push it away. The loss of Kanzeon was a boulder that had been dropped into the lake of his heart. Sinking all the way to the bottom, and the dull pain in his chest almost made him collapse again, but he forced himself to stay up, propping his right elbow on his knee. 

What would they all say if they saw him now? They were all Konohagakure shinobi after all. They would want him to get up and go home. 

Monju and Kanzeon’s father said that death was the end. That in death, one was forced to do nothing. So why should he make the dead suffer as they could do nothing but scream, pray, hope, yearn for him — the living, able to do anything — to do something?

The living were waiting for him back in Konoha, and the dead were waiting for him to live. He didn’t want to keep either of them waiting too long.


	8. Someone He Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song of the chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRIZohFFOMo

_ Kakashi forced himself to stare directly into the Third Hokage’s eyes as he gave the report. The mission was a success, but they lost four Anbu. His eyes kept falling to the mask in front of the Hokage. Monju’s mask. Before coming back, Kakashi had cleaned the mask in a stream, dying the waters red. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and looked right at Lord Hokage’s face. _

_ The Third Hokage closed his eyes, furrowed his brows down, and gave a long exhale through his nose. Kakashi just watched him for what felt like the longest time before he finally spoke. _

_ “How are you feeling, Kakashi?” _

_ What a strange question. Was this a trick? He looked to the floor, accidentally letting his head bow slightly. _

_ “It’s okay, Kakashi. I want you to be honest with me.” _

_ He pursed his lips as if to silence himself. If he said one thing, hundreds more would pour out. It only took a little ice in the crack of a rock to break it apart. _

_ “Before he died, Monju asked me to take care of Kanzeon. Keep her safe,” he said through gritted teeth and clenched fists, still refusing to look up. That was the wrong thing to say, especially to the Hokage, but it was too late. “I promised him I would. I was reckless. From start to finish.” _

_ “No, you weren’t,” the Hokage reassured. “You did all that you could. And your promise most definitely gave comfort to Monju in his last moments. That is far from reckless. I know that you will keep your promise. Trust me, a Gūzō man’s final request is a simple task and a great honor.” _

_ Kakashi’s head lifted.  _

_ “Ah, I see you’re curious,” Lord Hokage noted amusedly, the rumble of a chuckle at the back of his throat. “You might have heard that I was friends with their father, Gūzō Seishi. An interesting man. I used to hear that he was the perfect shinobi in Sunagakure, but that all changed when his best friend and comrade defected to Konoha. Seishi was the only person who defended him. He then became a man who lived only for himself until Monju was born, and then Kanzeon five years later. He protected them with his life.” _

_ “But he never had loyalty to Konoha,” Kakashi recalled his late father’s words years ago. _

_ “Not true. He found his loyalty to Konoha through Monju and Kanzeon. He fought for his children and then fought for all Konoha. Of course, those two came first for him. He lived for the village but died for them. And do you know what he asked me before he re-entered that battlefield?” _

_ Kakashi knew where this was going. It was obvious. Always a dying promise. A dying promise that would be broken eventually. _

_ “He asked me to watch Monju and Kanzeon for him. Not protect, not take care. Watch. Monju was sixteen and Kanzeon was eleven, so I kept an eye on them. But a part of me wanted to keep them close. I recruited Monju into the Anbu. When he told me that he would only act as a medic and fight only to defend, I knew how strong he had become. And little poppy Kanzeon has grown strong herself. Yet I always felt as though I should have done more for them.” _

_ The Third Hokage then stood up, picking up Monju’s mask with one hand and putting his hands behind his back. _

_ “Somewhere along the line, I realized what Seishi meant. His last request was something he knew he himself could never fulfill but I, above all, could and would. Whenever I see Monju and Kanzeon, it’s as if Seishi is at my side, and I feel proud. Monju’s death pains me more than it should, but I know it is Seishi mourning the loss of a great son. At the same time, I still feel proud. He dedicated himself to this village, to the mission, and to his comrades.” _

_ Lord Hokage took a puff of smoke from his pipe before continuing. _

_ “Monju asked you to protect Kanzeon because he knew that while he couldn’t, you — over anyone — could and would do so willingly. Take his final request not as a burden, but as an honor.” _

_ He then walked over to Kakashi and held out the mask to him.  _

_ “Take it. It would be better if you informed her. Go.” _

_ Kakashi slowly took the mask with one hand, resisting the urge to flip it over to check if the blood still stained the inside.  _

_ “Yes, sir.” _

_ Kakashi, hiding under a casual dark hooded cloak, then made his way to Monju’s apartment. He still held Monju’s mask while he put away his own. The dark streets were empty. Everybody was probably hiding from the storm or even asleep by now. He sure hoped Kanzeon wasn’t on a mission or working a night shift in the hospital. He didn’t want to sit in front of the apartment all night, but if he had to, then he would. This news couldn’t wait.  _

_ He knocked on the door three times, glancing to his left and right in case he accidentally woke up the neighbors. When did he ever care about the neighbors? Maybe because whenever he came to the apartment, it was with Monju, who had a key.  _

_ He heard the heavy thumps of her footsteps through the door. Ironic for a kunoichi who used and created techniques based on dancing. The locks of the door clicked open, and the door began to part from its comfortable position in the frame. Kanzeon’s voice came through, slightly muffled but cleared as the door opened wider. _

_ “Monju, did you seriously lose your key agai — oh!” Kanzeon appeared from behind the door.  _

_ Her voice had a mix of irritation and playfulness before she cut herself off. When she realized it was him, her eyes widened, her brows lifted, and a soft inhale of gasp escaped through her lips. A strange combination of what Kakashi assumed to be delightful surprise fell over her face. _

_ “Kakashi!” Her brows then furrowed down, and she leaned into the hall a little, looking left and right. “Where’s Monju?” _

_ Of course. She knew he would be on this mission with Monju. She was expecting both of them to come home. Alive. He failed her so terribly. He made her lose her brother. _

_ Kakashi wanted to speak but couldn't find the right words. His arm parted the center of his cloak as it lifted and held out the white and red porcelain mask to her. He watched as her head tilted downwards to see what he was holding. He watched as her steady, pale, elegant hands took the mask. He watched as they began to tremble. He watched the tears pooled in her eyes and stretched across her lashes.  _

_ Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders as he stared up at the ceiling. Her arms and the mask pressed against his chest as her face met his shoulder. He felt warm spots through the cloak as her tears seeped through the fabric. He turned his head. Although separated by his mask, his nose sat right along the curve of her head, his lips in her hair.  _

_ “I’m so sorry.” He meant to mutter those words softly, but the tears forming in his eyes cracked his voice into a breathy, raspy whisper. “I was too late.” _

_ “It’s okay,” came a whimper of a reply. “It’s not your fault. These things happen, right?”  _

_ It sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than anything. And that hurt. It struck him like the slash he received across his stomach. Kanzeon, the most softhearted of all, blamed him for the death of her older brother. If it was anyone else in the world, he wouldn’t care. But it was Kanzeon, and he loved her.  _

_ “I’m sorry.” Kakashi squeezed her in his arms, his head bowing down over her shoulder as he let the tears spill from his eyes and fall into her hair. His arms felt so weak as they trembled, but he held onto her tightly. She was the only thing keeping him upright. “Kanzeon, I’m so fucking sorry.” _

_ And by some miracle, she put her arms around him and held him tightly. She leaned her head against his shoulder, the hot patches from her tears becoming one.  _

_ The two of them silently sobbed together in the middle of the hall in the dead of night. Outside, the storm intensified as if to cry with them.  _

* * *

Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to look at Lady Tsunade as he reported to her his findings. He just stared at her desk where the three objects sat. Kanzeon’s glasses, her hair ribbon, and her chakra blade fan. The red of the silk ribbon and of the lucky knot tassel felt like the only color in the room. 

Tsunade had her elbows on her desk, her hands folded together and against her mouth and nose as if she were in prayer. However, her eyes remained open as she frowned at Kanzeon’s belongings. He wondered what she could be thinking. 

“What do we do, Lady Tsunade?” Shizune asked. “Do we declare them dead? Or do we declare them missing-nin?”

Kakashi’s fists clenched at his side. He wanted to hope that Kanzeon was alive, but she didn’t deserve to be labeled like that if she were to be alive. But along with the hope of her alive came the burden of the possibilities. Hostage, prisoner, maybe even experiment. Would it be better if she was dead?

“There is no definitive proof of anything. We only have the bodies of Miru and his guards.” Tsunade sighed as she closed her eyes. “We’ll wait for a few days for them to return.”

“And if they don’t? What will we say?”

“I’ll think about that once the days are up, Shizune. I need those autopsy reports on the guards’ bodies, send the four bodies back to their village, and issue a formal apology.” Tsunade then rubbed her temples with her thumb on one and middle and ring finger on the other. “How did this happen? How did this assassin sneak right in under our noses? How did he kill  _ my guest  _ in  _ my own place?” _

With her other hand, Tsunade slammed her fist against the top of the desk, causing the objects on its surface to jump and shake. Kakashi slowly moved his gaze up to Tsunade’s frustrated face. Her eyes were half-open, staring at Kanzeon’s belongings. She muttered something, and Kakashi barely made out the words:

_ “How did I let this happen, Tara?” _

Tara. The name sounded familiar to Kakashi, but he couldn’t see a face to that name. He had definitely heard it before. Tara…

Tsunade then reached forward, grabbing the metal brisé fan with one hand. The other hand fiddled with the lucky knot tassel. She then slowly opened the fan with both hands, holding it in front of her as if she were reading a book.

That fan was cold when Kakashi found it. Did Kanzeon get to use her Veil of Dancing Flames? Her version of the Fiery Tails Jutsu? Her Dancing Fan Storm? She was clearly planning on using that fan before whatever happened to her.

And how did she lose her glasses? How did the ribbon slip from her hair? She had her hair in a ponytail instead of a braid. Would things have ended differently if she had her hair in a braid? 

Everybody Kakashi had ever lost, he could see their deaths play in his mind. He could recall the scenario. He could see their bodies. But Kanzeon? There was nothing. All he had were questions. 

Perhaps ignorance truly was bliss, but he’d rather be burdened with the answer rather than constantly itch from the question. 

Tsunade then pressed her hands together, shutting the fan with the oddly satisfying clangs of the metal sticks. 

“Thank you, Kakashi. You can take these back now,” she said at last. “You're dismissed. Get some rest. Whenever you're ready, come back and I’ll give you your mission.”

_ ‘Just give me the mission now. I'll do anything. Please. Don't let me go home with nothing but memories,’  _ Kakashi wanted to say, but he held his tongue and bowed his head. She saw right through Kanzeon and him. 

In the past, most shinobi just joked about Kanzeon’s “crush” on him. They never thought he was capable of loving someone. Even Guy told him to let Kanzeon down gently instead of _“letting her on by being so nice to her all the time! What happened to the cool Kakashi I know!? Unless —_ _”_ And of course, Kakashi had to cut him off there, and Guy believed him. But this was Lady Tsunade, who had only been in Konoha for a short while and saw through everything. She knew, and she understood. Kakashi couldn't even argue with her on this even if he tried.

“Yes, ma’am.”

He gathered Kanzeon’s glasses and ribbon loop in one hand and took the fan Tsunade held out to him with the other. 

“I’ll take my leave now,” Kakashi said as he bowed.

Tsunade gave a grunt of approval. He then turned around and walked out. He could hear Shizune’s muffled voice discussing something with Tsunade as he walked down the hall. 

It hit him then. He remembered who Tara was. Kanzeon’s mother and Tsunade’s friend. It seemed that both Gūzō parents had their own personal ties to a Hokage. He wondered if Minato-sensei knew them.

Back in the rain, Kakashi made the walk back to his apartment. He thought about Kanzeon’s last request to take care of her plants. He grit his teeth together. 

_ ‘Something she knew she couldn’t do but I could…’  _

Her request wasn’t her dying one, but it was still her final one. Plant lives were easier to take care of than human lives, right? He could at least do that for her. All this heavy rain probably wasn’t good for those plants. He’d have to find the strength in him to stop by her place before he left for whatever mission he had tomorrow.

Considering everything, he knew he’d have to do something about her entire apartment soon. He remembered then that he had her key. He felt the burden of a new responsibility on his shoulders. He didn't want everything she had to be thrown out. Maybe take some of her plants and cherished things. It was all he had left of her. There would be no grave or memorial for her like for everyone else he had lost. She would disappear. 

His chest ached as he thought of Monju. A peal of thunder boomed overhead. He did it again. He broke his promise to someone who believed in him. The request that only he could fulfill. Something Monju could never do and believed that Kakashi could and willingly would (and,  _ boy _ , did Kakashi want to keep that promise). It was his second chance, and he lost it. He lost her. He lost them.

He looked up to the dark sky, the rain falling against his skin and trickling down his cheek and under his mask. He was alone once again, left to carry the sins on his back without any help. While it was true he had his other friends and comrades, he still felt as though a massive chunk of his heart had been ripped out. He and Kanzeon kept what they had a secret, and if he were to spill it now, what more could his friends do for him? 

She was the one he turned to, and she was gone. She was someone he loved, and — like everyone else — she was gone. 

Back in his apartment, Kakashi placed Kanzeon’s three recovered belongings onto the shelf behind his bed. His hand knocked over a picture frame, clattering face-down to the wooden shelf. He quickly picked it up with a slight hiss, hoping the glass front hadn't shattered. He observed the frame and the glass before realizing the actual picture.

Him and his three genin. A corner of his mouth tugged back slightly, a smile trying to crawl from the depths of his despair. He replaced the picture frame next to the one of Minato-sensei, Obito, Rin, and himself. 

The night before, Kanzeon told him that Sasuke was in the hospital with Sakura and Naruto visiting him. The reminder warmed him up a little. He figured he’d stop by tomorrow before he received his next mission. 

It would be nice to see them again. 

As he laid back in bed, his chest felt heavy with Kanzeon’s loss, the addition of another boulder pushed into the lake of his heart and sinking to the bottom. But he was alive and was able to do something. It would be cruel to make her — unable to do anything — watch him like this. Yes, he would visit Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura. He would go on his new mission. He would keep living. 

Let everyone he had ever loved and lost watch and smile from wherever they were with pride. Let the comrades he still had take his arms and help him stand and overcome the pain.


	9. Kenopsia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter, "Safe Inside" by James Arthur: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kC9-OcV4-eA  
> (i prefer the acoustic version haha)

“How about I go and kill the most important people in _your_ life?! Everyone you _ever_ loved!?” Sasuke’s voice dripped with venom, his face wrinkled with a delusional, sadistic rage. “Maybe that way, you’ll see just how wrong you are and eat your words!”

Kakashi wasn’t surprised. After all, Sasuke’s dream was to exact revenge on Itachi. But there was something unnerving by the smile on his face mixed with the agony of the years in his voice. Something inside Sasuke was bursting at the seams.

_‘The most important people in my life? Everyone I ever loved…?’_

Now wasn’t that ironic. The faces flashed in his mind. Smiling, beaming faces and their dying or already dead expressions. His father, Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei, Monju, Kanzeon. The warmth they gave him turned into warm blood on his hands. 

Kakashi never had a desire for revenge because he only had himself to blame. This burning hatred, this hellish fury in Sasuke was just pitiful shame and self-loathing in him. Kid had a point. If the blood was on someone else’s hands, it would surely be a different story. But the people they loved were already dead, and what mattered was how they shaped their futures. The living could do anything, but the dead could only do nothing.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind if you did,” Kakashi responded. “But unfortunately, I don’t have even a single person like that.”

Kakashi watched as the anger on Sasuke’s face intensified, teeth gritting and fists clenching. Probably thinking he was lying to break that decent theory.

“Everybody’s already been killed.” Kakashi forced a cheeky smile on his face. The sensation in his chest was not sharp and agonizing. It was dull and heavy like a prodded bruise. Smile through the pain.

He watched that confident rage drain from Sasuke’s face, replaced with stunned incredulity.

“I’ve lived longer than you have. I know all too well the pain of losing someone,” Kakashi said.

Sasuke lowered his head. Probably ashamed or embarrassed. Kakashi wanted to feel bad, but Sasuke had to learn to keep pushing forward. He had to find a reason rooted in hope rather than hatred.

“Well, looks like neither of us have been all that lucky,” Kakashi added. “That’s for damn sure. But it could be worse. You and I, we’ve both found more comrades to cherish, haven’t we?”

Sasuke remained silent, not looking up to meet his gaze. 

“I’ve experienced loss like you have, so I understand how you feel.” He released his grip on the wire holding Sasuke to the tree. “I taught you the Chidori because you now have something. It’s not a power to use against your own comrades or for revenge. I’m sure you know what it should be used for.

“Think long and hard about what I said and whether I’m right or wrong.”

With that, Kakashi left Sasuke alone. Hopefully his words got to him. The bruise in his heart ached again. It sure felt different to let a kid know about his burdens, but it was why he was chosen to be his sensei, right? Sasuke wasn’t just any other kid. Losing everyone he loved, and to his brother, no less. Itachi. It was still surreal to think about. Felt like just yesterday when Itachi was just a kid himself, introduced to Kakashi a couple years after he had lost Monju.

Kakashi couldn’t leave for his mission just yet. He already received his assignment from Lady Tsunade first thing in the morning. He even skipped his usual morning ritual. Thankfully he did. He didn’t want to even think about what would have happened if Sasuke’s Chidori and Naruto’s Rasengan (seriously, what was Jiraiya even thinking?) collided — and with Sakura charging right between them! 

He stopped by his apartment one last time. He couldn’t leave because he felt as though he missed something, forgot to do something. He stood there in his room, finding himself drawn to the painful memories of the past. His eyes naturally fell on the striking red of the silk loop and the tassel of Kanzeon’s fan. He threw them down on his shelf last night, but he couldn’t just leave them like that.

He grabbed the metal fan and added it to the pouch at his thigh. He wasn’t planning on ever using Kanzeon’s Dancing Fan Storm or Veil of Dancing Flames, but he figured it would be a good last resort. An absolute final resort. He could replace kunai and shuriken, but Kanzeon’s fan — at even just face value — was rare. It was outdated and impractical, but the craftsmanship was still impressive. It was an artifact and a family heirloom. Most importantly, it was her main weapon.

He took the circle of red silk and placed it over his left wrist. He then twisted it to create a second loop, pulling it over his hand again. A quick bracelet — and a convenient one for Kanzeon. 

He recalled that she had a peculiar interest in styling Kakashi’s hair in little braids or pigtails. It annoyed him then, but he grew to like it, even if he did look ridiculous. It always made her laugh. But he would never get the chance to let her play with his hair again. He would never get the chance to hear her laugh or see her smile again.

The two red loops fell to the middle of his forearm instead of staying at his wrist. He tried stuffing them underneath his gloves, but they didn’t fit as nicely as he liked. Instead, he pulled the ribbon up his arm until it sat comfortably around the circumference of his arm, perfectly hidden by the long sleeve of his shirt. 

Kakashi picked up Kanzeon’s round glasses. He held it as if it were a tiny creature lying across his flattened fingers. He moved his hands around, allowing the lenses to catch the light. He could almost see the twinkle in her dark eyes. He then stuffed the glasses into his rear pouch. He just hoped they wouldn’t crack from being knocked against the weapons in there. 

As he stuffed his hands back into his pockets, his fingers felt something small and hard. He grabbed it and held it out in the palm of his hand. The key to her apartment. He quickly made up his mind to swing by. He half-expected her to show up along the way or her to be waiting for him, but he shook his head rapidly as if to physically jostle the naive hope from his kind. 

Standing in that familiar hall, he held the key to the lock. He was so used to knocking on her door. The lock clicked, and he pushed the door open.

* * *

_“Thanks for helping me move in, Kakashi,” Kanzeon said to him as she placed a box on the floor. He put the box he was carrying beside it._

_“No need to thank me. You just have to pay me back.” He smiled cheekily, his exposed eye closing._

_It had been nearly two months since Monju’s death. Since then, Kanzeon managed to sell most of the furniture in the apartment the two of them shared, clean it thoroughly, broke the lease, and moved into a much smaller apartment with the money she earned from selling things and from what Monju left her. And she did it all alone._

_Well, not entirely alone. Lord Hokage gave Kakashi a new mission: help Kanzeon until she was ready to return to the field or, at the very least, the hospital. It was definitely a task far beneath his caliber — D-rank, for sure —, but he took it in a heartbeat. He didn't care about the whispers among the Black Ops that Cold-Blooded Kakashi was turning soft or losing his touch. They were almost like passing whispers from his childhood, but Kakashi knew better now. He was stronger now._

_Kanzeon only recently started living in the new apartment a few days ago. Kakashi helped her set up the new furniture she bought and haul the final belongings still in the old place._

_“I knew something was up! Well, fine. What do I owe you?” Kanzeon folded her arms across her chest, the baggy t-shirt puffing out from under them._

_“How about…” Kakashi leaned towards her and smiled again. “…dinner, tomorrow night? Call it a date. I’ll pay.”_

_“What!? No, I think you've done enough for me!” Kanzeon exclaimed. “I’ll pay!”_

_“This is_ my _request,” Kakashi said as he straightened his back. His turn to fold his arms over his chest._

_“At least let me pay half!”_

_“Fine. But on one more condition.”_

_“What?” Sounded more like a demand than a question._

_“Wear something a little nicer than a t-shirt and leggings. Maybe even nicer than your usual_ haori. _” He winked, but with his headband, it just came out as closing his eye. His arm wrapped around her waist, and he pulled her close. “Nothing too nice, though. I know girls always have at least one extravagant or way too formal outfit.”_

_“Does that mean I’ll finally get to see you in something other than a uniform?” Kanzeon’s face lit up, her smile glowing and her eyes teeming with hopeful mischief._

_“Maybe. Be ready by seven. I'll come by. Will you be fine unpacking by yourself?”_

_“I'm not_ that _helpless, you know! Besides, most of it’s just other clothes and containers.”_

_Kakashi chuckled softly before placing a kiss on her forehead and letting go to open the door. He didn't want to have to leave her alone like this, but he hoped his date offer was enough to keep her spirits up._

_“Good night, Kakashi,” she bid, holding the door open for him as he walked out._

_“Good night.” He turned over his shoulder to catch one last glimpse before he stepped into the hallway._

_It was good to see her smiling again. It was definitely going to be nice to get out and occupy their minds with something other than moving from one apartment to the other. And he was excited to see what she was going to wear. Of course, he had to worry about his own outfit. He didn’t really want the entire village to see them together and turn her into a liability. Maybe a disguise was in order. Oh, but what if she didn’t recognize him, or what if she would assume he was embarrassed to be out in public with her…?_

_He pondered it some more and made up his mind. He’d wear the clothes, and when he stopped by her place, he’d put on the disguise._

_His mission was to help Kanzeon, and hopefully this date would take her mind off things._

‘It better…this’ll probably be the most exciting thing in the past two months.’ 

* * *

The front door shut behind Kakashi. Standing inside the apartment, Kakashi felt as though he had been gutted.

The air was still and silent. The entire apartment felt cold. Light from the window and balcony door pooled into the living room, but every shadow felt like night. No thumps of her heavy footsteps, no yelling of his name, no warmth of her embrace or kiss. Nothing. He had to do something to escape this suffocating silence.

He picked up the ceramic pot of the plant on the coffee table. It seemed fine, but putting it outside was the first thing that came to his mind. He slid open the door to the balcony and placed it on the ground next to the other plants. The planter box of fresh herbs seemed fine, and the tall shelf of planter boxes filled with other assorted plants held up well. However, the little mandarin tree had issues.

The tree sat on a plate, filled to the brim with water, and the tree’s pot itself had collected water as well, causing the dirt particles to float to the top like a mud slurry. Kakashi took it upon himself to tilt the pot over, draining the excess water over the edge of the balcony. He temporarily lifted the pot from its plate and emptied that out as well before replacing the pot. As a reward for himself, he harvested two ripe mandarins. He placed them in his pocket and brushed off his hands. 

Back inside, Kakashi just stood there, staring around the place. He felt like a hollow shell of a man, as though he were the ghost haunting the place rather than her. And he absentmindedly floated into the bedroom. He almost expected her to be there, fast asleep or doing something at her desk or maybe even changing. But the room was empty. 

His mind thought of their first and only public date, and his body automatically trailed after, wandering to the closet. He slid the doors open, and her scent hit him like a wall. His hands sifted through every baggy t-shirt, every kimono-cardigan, every uniform shirt, every dress hanging from above. And then he landed on the dress she wore.

A soft crimson dress. When Kanzeon wore it back then, the skirt fell just above her knees. If she wore it now, it might have fallen a couple inches higher up on her thighs. The sleeves were made of flowing, loose, translucent fabric, creating the illusion of a cape. Kakashi ran his fingers through the draping sleeves, imagining her silky hair instead. He closed his eyes, thinking of that date. It was so long ago. They were young and bleeding out. She was sixteen and still mourning the death of her brother, and he was eighteen and still hating himself for reacting too late. 

Nine years later, and he was too late again. Realizing that he was crushing the feeble fabric, Kakashi let his hands drift down to the hem of the skirt. He held it to his right cheek. Even through his mask, it felt cool and soft. He let go, allowing the dress to fall back into place. He made himself take a step back, put a hand on the closet door, and slide it shut.

He then sat on the bed. Her bed. Two nights ago, he was laying there with her. He could almost feel the weight of her head against his chest, her hair tickling his skin, the silkiness of that hair when he ran his fingers through it. He put his head in his hands. His heart ached and throbbed, but no tears came to his eyes. Her soft skin, glowing a pale gold in the dim light. The bodies of two lovers entwined in what neither of them expected to be their final tryst.

Keeping what they had — no, what they _were_ —a secret was supposed to make things easier. But it should’ve been him first. If he had known that she would die before him like this, he would have stood at the top of the Hokage Rock and shouted it out loud for the whole village — fuck it, the whole _world_ — to hear. Hell, he probably would have married her by now. But he was so sure, so ready to be the one to lose his life first, and he loved her so much that he wanted to spare her the burden of his death. And he regretted that decision. Add that to the list, he supposed. His long list of regrets. The wrongs he would correct if time somehow unwound for him.

He forced his head up, a faint beam of light shining through the colorful curtains of the bedroom window. The light fell directly on his face, barely missing his right eye. He stood up, unsure of what to do but not wanting to leave just yet. He propped one arm against her desk, leaning against it. His hand knocked against the table lamp, and he was almost surprised by it, turning his head to look down. 

The desk was cluttered with all sorts of writing utensils and papers. Some books on the built-in shelf above the desk, as well as a cup with way too many pencils in it. A generally clear spot at the center marked the main workspace. Pushed to the very back of this workspace (almost to the wall) was a single book. 

A somewhat small book. If he held his hands straight up — fingers together and his thumbs sticking straight out and overlapping to the first joint —, the book fit quite nicely in the rectangular space between them, with the top of it still sticking out a good couple centimeters. A bit big for a pocket notebook, though it could definitely fit in Kakashi’s pockets. 

The book had no solid spine; the exposed golden threads binding the papers inside ran along the long, right edge. Four holes near the spine, and from them were the four short, simple stitches that held the book together. The book’s cover was made of two somewhat thick decorated paper boards, solid brown in color. A piece of cream color paper tape ran long the left edge. In black ink read the words, _“Letters to the Dead.”_

Kakashi ran his fingers over the title, discovering the smoothness of a piece of clear plastic tape sealing the paper tape and the words on it. Kanzeon was always a crafty one.

But still. _“Letters to the Dead?”_ It sounded like a ghost story, and it creeped him out just a little. Yet whatever it was, it probably meant something to her. If she kept it so close to her workspace, she probably wrote in it often. Was it right to look? Probably not, but he spent years begging for forgiveness over the deaths of his loved ones; he could take the weight of asking for forgiveness for reading something that belonged to someone already dead. 

He held his breath as he opened the cover.


	10. Letters to the Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's song is a beautiful mash-up of Avicii's Wake Me Up and Hey Brother by Anthem Lights: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCAjPOiSm8

Kakashi’s eyes stared directly at the first page. It was generally blank except for the single name in black ink at the center of the cream-colored page:  _ “Gūzō Kanzeon.”  _ The calligraphy was slightly too large and rather shaky. Little messages had been scratched in pencil around the page.

_ “Your diary? You’re such a girl =P _

_ “–Gekkeiju” _

_ “Sorry, Kanzeon! Gekkeiju told me to write something.  _

_ “–Shōsha” _

Now Kakashi  _ really _ felt like he shouldn’t be reading this. The haunting feeling that came when viewing the life and vitality of a person who was now dead returned. But this was his escape, and he turned to the next page.

The back of the first page was empty, but the new page on the left had a photograph. That uneasiness nestled deep into his chest as he gazed upon what he assumed to be Team Tama. Thin strips of paper tape conveniently labelled the four of them. 

_ “Hana Gekkeiju, 10”  _ was above the boy on the far left of the photo. He had short, messy brown hair, green eyes, and rosy and freckled cheeks. His lips were stretched in a half-smile or smirk, and one of his brows were raised. He wore a dark green scarf with his clan symbol (a four-pointed flower in black with four white circles where each petal met) embroidered on it, a short-sleeved shirt, and metal arm-protectors. 

_ “Gūzō Kanzeon, 8 (me!)”  _ was beneath the girl in the middle. Her black hair fell in a bob around her chin. Kakashi recalled this Kanzeon. Probably a few months after he met her for the first time. She didn’t have her glasses yet. She had on a casual gray-black kimono with a pale pink, floral patterned  _ obi. _ He imagined that her kimono only fell to her waist and paired with leggings, but the picture cut off at the start of the  _ obi.  _ Her face was bright with a gleeful smile, her eyes squinted from how much her cheeks bunched up.

_ “Natsu Shōsha, 7”  _ was above the little boy on the right. He had black hair in a bowl cut, much like Guy and Lee, but his hair was a little messier at the top. His skin was much tanner than pale Kanzeon and rosy Gekkeiju, but his skin had a similar golden undertone like Kanzeon. He wore a red jacket with some black stripes and a black shirt (with a yellow circle with a dot at its center, probably his clan symbol) underneath. He smiled much like Kanzeon did, but Kakashi could see a missing tooth in his smile. 

Eight-year-old Kanzeon had her arms, as if around her teammates’ shoulders, but he didn’t see them poke out along the edge of the picture. Instead, he saw her small, slim, pale fingers stick out from behind the boys’ heads like bunny ears. Gekkeiju’s left arm and Shōsha’s right arm disappeared behind Kanzeon, appearing as two sets of bunny ears behind Kanzeon’s head. Behind them (and directly behind Kanzeon) was  _ “Kōkōtaru Tama-sensei, 24” _ . 

The older kunoichi smiled brightly, her gray-blue eyes sparkling. She had long platinum blonde hair in beautiful tresses like sand after a wind, split into half-pigtails. Kakashi didn’t recognize this Kōkōtaru Tama, but she seemed to be a pretty woman in the picture. 

A queasiness washed over him as he recalled that everyone in this picture was dead. He ran his fingertips over the glossy photograph taped at the corners and glued to the page. He felt the slight indents at each of their faces. When the photograph caught the glare of the light, he saw etchings of curling mustaches once drawn but long erased. Kakashi had a feeling that Gekkeiju had been the culprit. He turned the page to find a penciled description in young Kanzeon’s novice penmanship:

_ “Team 4! Tama-sensei says that Gekkeiju is naturally good at taijutsu and that Shōsha is naturally good at everything! She also said something about him liking genjutsu. Which means I’m supposed to be naturally good at ninjutsu out of us three! Tama-sensei says that that’s not how it always works since every shinobi should be good at all three. Gekkeiju says that he’ll be the first to master all three, but he can’t even walk up a tree! Tama-sensei says that my chakra control is the best, but that’s thanks to Dad and big brother Monju!” _

At the bottom of the page was something written in different styles:

_ “Gekkeiju - Earth Style (HA! I’m different =P and I’ll be the best at EVERYTHING! I’ll run up walls and on ceilings around you two!) _

_ “Shōsha - Fire Style (don’t worry about me and Gekkeiju being ‘naturally good’ at something! It’s all about hard work, and you’ve worked really hard on your jutsu!)” _

_ “Me - Fire Style” _

His eyes then moved to the next page. Written in that same clunky handwriting:

_ “Hello!  _

_ “My name is Gūzō Kanzeon, and I’m 11 years old. I’m part of Tama-sensei’s Team 4. My teammates are Hana Gekkeiju and Natsu Shōsha. Gekkeiju is 13 and Natsu is 10. We are all chūnin. _

_ “Big brother Monju gave this empty book to me. He said he found it in a box of Mom’s stuff that Dad kept while we were cleaning the apartment to get ready to move! I’m going to miss this place. It’s where I grew up and it’s the only place I’ve lived in. But Monju said it’s too big for us to live in alone as kids now that Dad is gone. Luckily Monju already found a place for just the two of us! A new home!” _

Kakashi turned the page over to see more scribbles from Gekkeiju and Shōsha, respectively.

_ “Lame! There's no secrets in here! You haven't even written anything else! XP” _

_ “Please write more, Kanzeon! We want to read more! Good luck!”  _

Kakashi noticed tiny, jagged strips and bits of paper between the two pages facing him. As if Kanzeon had written something and ripped the pages out. 

_ “Day 50 _

_ “Dad used to say that after 49 days, the spirits of the dead could finally leave to either be free or come back as new people. I guess I can keep the letters in here from now on. Maybe you'll be able to read these from my book on your own. Plus, Monju hates the smell of smoke every time I send you a letter. _

_ “I wonder if you really read all 49 letters I sent. Missions as a jōnin are tough. I get assigned to teams that have worked together for years, and I feel like a stranger. And I’m still young, so they treat me like they’re babysitting me. It makes me wish we became a team. Everybody gets hurt so much, and I can’t heal them all fast enough. Maybe if I use  _ Seisaikara _? But I don't have enough chakra to even protect one person. Maybe small patches over important spots like the heart and neck? That could work, right?  _

_ “Why am I so weak? Monju could use  _ Seisaikara  _ on another person and still fight. He said that our dad could use it on  _ _ THREE _ _ adults before completely draining his chakra.  _

_ “It’s getting late. I have another mission tomorrow. Sorry this one doesn't have anything interesting.  _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

He turned the page. 

_ “Tama-sensei, Gekkeiju, Shōsha, _

Sandaime  _ asked me to be a part of the ▇▇▇ — ”  _ Vicious scribbling formed a dark, dense bar of graphite on the page.  _ “ — like Monju. But I said no. I hear they do terrible things there. I can't believe Monju would join them. He says he’s only in it to heal, but what they do is way too dangerous for him to not do anything else.  _ Sandaime  _ said that he had to wait until I was 13 in order to recruit me. A whole year since the Nine-Tails’. Since you all died. But no way am I joining THAT. Monju is always away. He comes back really late or when I’m out in the middle of the day. And he never stays long enough to talk. Why would I want to be doing terrible things all the time? I know it's for the good of the village, but why must I do  _ _ those _ _ things? _

_ “I asked  _ Sandaime _ if I could stop being a shinobi. I don't feel strong enough. Every time someone gets hurt, I panic and think they're going to die even if it's not that bad. I see you, Shōsha, Gekkeiju. I hear you scream at me to run, Tama-sensei, but I can't. But  _ Sandaime  _ said that I am strong and worthy because I have a loving heart and want to protect everyone. He’s the Hokage, after all, right? If he thinks I’m good enough, then I have to be, right? _

_ “Would you be proud of me, Tama-sensei? Do you think I’m strong enough, Gekkeiju? Do you think I worked hard enough, Shōsha? All I want to do is help those in the hospital. It's way easier there, but I feel bad for everyone going into the field. I feel as though I have to be out there for them. Thankfully,  _ Sandaime  _ hasn't assigned me to anything for a while. And if he does, then it's to the hospital. But I still feel bad. Maybe I should ask to be assigned to a mission soon. _

_ “When I can’t sleep, I go out and practice. Monju’s not home enough to stop me, even though he says it’s dangerous for a girl to go out at night. But I’m a kunoichi! A jōnin! I can handle myself! I have to. Now that I don’t have anybody to protect me. Sometimes, I imagine you three there, yelling at me. It either makes me work harder or makes me too sad to keep going.  _

_ “I wish I had been strong enough to protect all of us. Or even just one of you. We would be doing this together. You must be sick of reading these words, but I’ll never stop saying it. I’m sorry, Tama-sensei, Gekkeiju, Shōsha. _

_ “Going to bed now. Got assigned an early morning shift in the hospital.  _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

Page turn. Kakashi looked up, wondering if he should head out now or stay and read more. These entries were short, but he feared he’d breeze through the whole thing in one sitting. He decided on reading the two pages open to him.

_ “EVERYONE! Mom, Dad, Tama-sensei, Gekkeiju, Shōsha! _

_ “I did it! I put someone in  _ Seisaikara _! It was just one person, a princess, and she was six years old. But still! I did it! And I didn’t pass out! In fact, I still had some chakra left! Enough for a couple jutsu! Monju’s taking me to dinner as a treat!  _

_ “Dad, what do you think? You used to say that I seemed to work out the techniques better than Monju. You said I learned  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu  _ from just watching you teach Monju. That Monju mastered it at 8, but I mastered it at 6 once you actually taught me. You said that I awoke the  _ Seisaikara  _ at 7, and Monju at 10. But Monju mastered it at 12. I guess I’m behind since I’ll be 14 soon and haven’t fully mastered it. Monju told me that he put two people older than him under  _ Seisaikara  _ on his last mission, and it completely drained his chakra. That’s his limit, right? But no way he can beat your limit of three! At this rate, I’ll be lucky if I can put  _ _ one _ _ person my age under before passing out! _

_ “I know you’re making fun of me, whenever you are, Gekkeiju. But it’s fine. I just know everybody else is happy. I hope you’re all in the peaceful afterlife instead of back to this world. I hope you all saw and are now celebrating, wherever you are. _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

His eyes drifted to the top of the next page.

_ “Gekkeiju (and Shōsha, too!), _

_ “You will NEVER guess who I met tonight! HATAKE KAKASHI!  _ _ THE _ _ Hatake Kakashi! And you said someone like him would never BREATHE in my direction!  _

_ “I hope you’re jealous! I remember you bragging about how you had a class with him when you first entered the Academy and how he managed to graduate when you were both still 5. And I know you worked hard to catch up. Isn’t that right, Tama-sensei? You would never admit it, Gekkeiju, but I know you looked up to him. Well, at least until after the war. Then you started calling him cold and terrible. But I think a part of you still wanted to be like him. _

_ “Anyways, he’s not that bad! He’s quiet but he has very good manners. Except for when he stared at my legs but that’s only because I was wearing shorts! I was wearing one of Monju’s old shirts! It’s not my fault! Monju just came home while I was making dinner and said he brought a ‘friend’ over. I thought he meant ~friend~ but he actually meant someone from his work. And then that someone turned out to be Hatake Kakashi.  _

_ “You’re both going to wish you were still around to see it. I saw what he looks like under the mask!!! AND HE’S CUTE!!! I know you’re shaking your head, Gekkeiju, but even Monju admits Kakashi’s good-looking under his mask. He’s also got a little dark mole on the side of his chin. It’s like the one on my cheek!  _

_ “Of course, he only took his mask off to eat, and he held the bowl to his face most of the time. I didn’t get too good of a look since my face was probably red the whole meal! Besides, I didn’t want to seem creepy. I know you’re saying that I'm already creepy for writing about him in a letter, Gekkeiju, but this is how I tell you guys things! If you were still here, I’d tell you in person! _

_ “Monju said that Kakashi will be coming over for dinner a lot more. I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified! I know he works with Monju in  _ _ the _ _ THAT, so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Even with the TINIEST chance that he likes me, I don’t think it would work out. He must have done some awful things working there, putting himself in dangerous places. I’d become a weak spot for him, and I’m already a weak spot for Monju. Still I don’t think Kakashi is a bad person. I think he’s doing all these things to cover something. I want to think that. He’s been through a lot. Way more than me or Monju. How could anyone go through so much alone? I think it’s nice of Monju to do this. Maybe I can even talk to him about things instead of writing letters. _

_ “What do you guys think? Please give me a sign from wherever you are if you think this is right or wrong.  _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

Kakashi found his lips stretched back in a smile, his vision slightly blurred with tears. It felt so bittersweet to read this. It was definitely strange and surreal to read about his sixteen-year-old self from the perspective of a fourteen-year-old Kanzeon. A glimmering, hopeful thought flickered in his mind; he wondered what Kanzeon would’ve reacted like if she knew he read the entry on their first encounter. But as quick as it crossed his mind, the heavy realization that she was gone settled back in. 

He absentmindedly flipped to the next page, forgetting the rule he set for himself. He was about to close the book when he noticed the bits of shredded paper. Much like near the beginning. More pages ripped out? And then he saw the top of the far page:

_ “Day 50 _

_ “Monju,” _

Kakashi flipped to the other entry that started with that mysterious  _ “Day 50,”  _ knowing that she had already written some sort of explanation. He refreshed his memory on the forty-nine day limbo that Gūzō Seishi believed in (or, at least, told his children about). Everything fell into place in Kakashi’s mind as he reread that first paragraph. He almost felt stupid for not realizing it immediately.

Kanzeon wrote and burned a letter every day for forty-nine days to her deceased loved ones stuck in limbo. The rest of the letters after the forty-nine day period became a sort of diary. 

An idea struck in his head. He grabbed a pencil from the desk and flipped to the next blank page in the book. He caught glimpses of more letters and even photographs as the pages flew by. Surprisingly, a good amount of sheets still remained (if he had to estimate, probably as many pages stacked together to equal the length from the tip of his pinky to the first joint). He placed the pencil between the two blank pages and closed the book, putting it back in his back pouch. He’d write his own letter to the dead once he started his mission. For now, he had to pay a visit to the Memorial Stone.

Kakashi placed the two mandarins in his pocket onto the edge of the base of the Stone. He took some steps back and bowed to the ground. He got on his knees and leaned forward onto his hands, his forehead protector pressing against the tops of his fingers. All of his respect, seeped with the tears of remorse. 

_ “I’m sorry, Monju. I failed you. I let you down.”  _ Kakashi closed his eyes, feeling one tear spill from his right eye and fall a short distance to the ground while the other seeped into his headband.  _ “You trusted me, and I let you down. You gave me a second chance, and I fucked it up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect her…” _

Eventually, Kakashi forced himself to raise his heavy head and drag himself up off his knees. He took shambling steps towards the stone again, running his fingers against the cool etching of Monju’s name. As he scanned back up and around the stone for Obito’s name, he noticed three names that he hadn’t recognized before:

_ “Hana Gekkeiju” _

_ “Natsu Shōsha” _

_ “Kōkōtaru Tama” _

Kakashi closed his eyes, imagining Kanzeon running into the arms of her former teammates. He imagined Monju hugging his younger sister. He opened his eyes, finding himself going back in time on the Stone. His fingertips paused over Obito’s name, and he just stared blankly at the stone. Before long, he continued up the stone, quickly stumbling upon the next name:

_ “Gūzō Seishi” _

A controversial engraving, Kakashi recalled. The Third Hokage probably allowed that name to be carved despite Seishi not being an official shinobi of Konohagakure. The man who returned to the battlefield against the village that raised and trained him, fighting for and protecting the village that raised and taught his children. Kakashi continued looking at the stone for the final name.

_ “Gūzō Tara” _

In his mind, Kakashi could see Kanzeon, not as the woman he loved but as the girl in the picture in her notebook, her letters to the dead. He saw Monju, not as the warrior and comrade who died in Kakashi’s arms, but as the smiling, charismatic young medic he always wanted to be. The two siblings holding hands, walking off into the bright horizon where the vague outline of a woman and man stood. The four took hands, with Gekkeiju, Shōsha, and Tama-sensei behind them. But it was too soon. It was only Day 1.

Kakashi opened his eyes. His chest felt hollow, and his head felt light. Was he at peace, or was he so sick from mourning? 

As he stood up, he took one of the mandarins he had placed down, rubbing it against the side of his leg to clean it before beginning to peel it. He left the other mandarin at the base of the Memorial Stone as an offering. As his nails dug into the pliable rind, he thought about his first letter. He brought the first section of mandarin to his lips and bit down, allowing the sweet and succulent juices to fill his mouth.

Still unable to let go, he thought of her kisses. He half-expected the scent of her fragrant shampoo to envelope him, a sign that she was there, but only the tangy aroma of citrus came to his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose some notes on the names:  
> -Gekkeiju is the Japanese word for "laurel," and Hana means "flower." Yeah, I named a male character "Laurel Flower" deal with it it's PRETTY  
> -Shōsha means "winner" or "victor," and Natsu means "summer"  
> -Tama refers to a pearl, gem, or jewel, and Kōkōtaru means "sparkling, glittering, shiny, brilliant" (you get the idea)  
> -Seishi is the Japanese name of a high bodhisattva representing the power of wisdom. Seishi is often depicted with the two other bodhisattvas: Kanzeon and Amida. Seishi also means literally "life and death" and can refer to the Buddhist concept of rebirth.  
> -Gūzō is the Japanese word for "idol, image, or statue". So it's a little pun that everybody in the Gūzō family is named after a Buddhist figure.


	11. Delivery to the Beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song of the chapter, In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4hUQW0VUpc

Kakashi ripped out his letter from the notebook. A single, quick tug, and the page slid smoothly out of its four-thread shackles. However, a small corner at the top remained, as if it wasn’t ready to part from its home in the book. Kakashi replaced his pencil between the two blank pages and closed the book, placing back into his rear pouch. He then folded the letter in half along its horizontal midline. He then held the piece of paper between his right index and middle finger, stretching his arm out towards the campfire. The orange flames flickered as the outer edges lit up, the paper curling and blackening before crumbling and floating into the campfire.

The yellow-orange flames crawled up the folded letter, growing unbearably as it inched to Kakashi’s fingers. When the heat became too painful to bear, the fire practically licking his fingertips, he let go. He watched as the remaining paper drifted into the main body of the fire, disintegrating into ash before it completely fell atop the small logs at the heart of the campfire.

A successful Day 1 letter, he hoped. He had written about his latest assignment, his lecture to Sasuke, and his general sorrows of failure and mourning. He apologized at least three times in that letter alone, with one specifically addressed to Monju. And then he acted as though she was here, listening to him. He wrote about his scarring memories of Rin, though Kanzeon knew the tale far too well by now. It was impossible for him to ignore the similarities. He hoped neither of them would take it personally. He loved them both, just at different points of his life. He wondered if they ever met when they were little girls. He figured they would be friends — at least, he wanted them to be friends. 

He finally admitted to her about the promise he made to her brother. He inserted one of his endless apologies for his failure to both siblings. He had an odd guilt about his confession; he felt as though she would now perceive their relationship to be built on a false foundation, so he reassured her that even if Monju hadn't asked him to protect her, he would have done so anyway. He would have made a promise to himself, and he would have mourned her all the same. 

He thanked her for being there for him in his darkest hours, his weakest points. He thanked her for not turning her back on him. He thanked her for showing him kindness and love despite everything he had done when he met her. He thanked her for staying with him. 

He closed the letter with a painful  _ “Love always, Kakashi.” _ And now, he was watching it burn. 

Kakashi leaned back and watched the smoke rise into the air, a few embers dancing like fireflies around the pewter gray column. Would his words truly reach the beyond? Who knew?

_ ‘Well, that’s done. Time for some reading,’  _ he said to himself.

He reached into his pocket to pull out _Letters to the Dead_. He made a note to himself to reach for his back pocket with _Icha-Icha_ in it whenever he was around someone. That was his life now, switching _to_ the adult novels to cover himself. Then again, he could walk for blocks with his nose buried in _Icha-Icha_ and he never cared. But those books were published, meant to be read by people. Kanzeon’s letters were meant for those beyond this world, and he wedged himself between the pages.

He felt as though he inherited the book. A thing of the past to carry into the future. Something he could do for the dead. He had some uneasiness about the book; he hardly kept physical relics of the past. He moved out of his childhood home when the emptiness and the loneliness became too much to bear. He did hold onto his father's special saber, but that had a practical use. And even that was destroyed. He had his Sharingan, but again, another practical use. He visited the Memorial Stone and the graves, but he couldn’t take those wherever he went; he already had enough stones in his heart. 

Yet he had the glasses, the fan, the ribbon, and the book. He flipped to the page he last read.

_ “Gekkeiju, Shōsha, _

_ “Sorry. It's been a while. I shouldn't have neglected you, but I have a good reason! I made a new friend! And surprise! It’s Kakashi! _

_ “AND YES, I like him. A lot, actually.  _

_ “Over the past year, he’s come over a lot. Usually twice a month, maybe three times a month if the missions were short. It takes a bit to get him to talk, but once he starts, it's almost like he's telling a story. A really dark and tragic story but still a captivating one. _

_ “When he speaks, I feel his pain. Literally. I feel it in my chest. Like somebody stabbed me, and if the story keeps going, it feels like the knife is twisting. I cry just watching him tell his stories. And then I keep crying because he speaks with such a straight face. And then I cry more at the fact that he's probably been keeping these things a secret for so long. How long has he suffered in silent misery? I'm so grateful Monju brought him to our place.  _

_ “Of course, it's not like he just immediately started telling me about himself. For the first few months, I mostly just listened to him and Monju talk in the living room. And then Monju started getting assigned to other missions without Kakashi. So sometimes Monju would come home without him. And then Monju started coming home with Kakashi and then leaving again. And some days, Kakashi would stay in Monju’s room while he was away on his missions and I guess Kakashi wasn't assigned anything on those days. So we’d be alone. I didn't want to make things awkward so I tried talking to him. Like really talk to him.  _

_ “He shrugged me off at first. I was so scared of annoying him, but we were alone together a lot. I had to fill up the silence somehow. So I just started talking. And he listened. Probably not willingly at first but what else was he going to do? Besides, if he didn't want to hear me, he would've said something. He doesn't seem like the type of person to pretend to care.  _

_ “And then one day, he started talking to me. He told me about how he first met Monju and our dad. He told me about his dad and how our dad tried to help him. He told me that he thought our dad was wrong after his dad died but then he learned from someone else that he was wrong.  _

_ “He told me about his team. And I was surprised. You're going to laugh, Gekkeiju, but we actually have a lot more in common than I thought. I was crying the whole time he was telling me about how he lost them all. He didn't cry, but he did take lots of breaks in the middle of his sentences and look away. I asked if I could give him a hug, and he let me. _

_ “In fact, for the past few months, I've been giving him lots of hugs. I always ask him first, just in case. He’s never said no (yet). And then he started giving me hugs! Without asking! Am I looking into it too much? Am I being too hopeful? Or does he just feel sorry for me, this little weakling unlike him? _

_ “And for the record, Gekkeiju. You were wrong. You said he killed his teammate and friend to keep her quiet, but you were wrong. So wrong. Everybody was wrong. Even I will never know the amount of pure agony he feels about Rin. And he really had no one since he pushed everyone away and everyone avoided him. But he didn't deserve all that. He doesn't deserve any of this.  _

_ “And think all of the things he’s seen on his special missions! Monju’s seen some things, but Kakashi as one of the leaders in their work? Definitely seen worse things.  _

_ “Monju’s calling me. It's late and he just got back with Kakashi, so I don't know what it could be. Sorry I haven't written a letter in the past year. Until next time. _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

Judging by her neater, smaller handwriting between this entry and the ones he read in her apartment yesterday really emphasized the time elapsed in a year. It showed Kanzeon’s own growth. Or maybe she was just more awake when she wrote this particular letter. And he surmised that this letter was written on the night they first kissed based on that very last paragraph. Kakashi vaguely remembered that night since Monju was summoned but Kakashi was not, leaving Kanzeon alone with him. He remembered being on the balcony of their apartment. 

He closed his eyes and shook his head to rip himself from thinking about it for too long. He looked to the next page. The dreaded Day 50 letter addressed to Monju. Which meant that Kanzeon didn't write another letter for another year (more or less) and only wrote 49 letters to Monju following his death. 

_ “Day 50 _

_ “Monju, _

_ “The apartment’s been cleared out. I've officially moved into my new place. Kind of reminds me of when we moved after Dad died.  _

_ “Kakashi has helped me out so much. He’s even taking me to dinner tomorrow night. It must be awkward to watch your little sister with your comrade. I wonder if you meant for me and him to get close. _

_ “I honestly don’t know what I’d be doing right now if Kakashi wasn’t here these past seven weeks. I know he feels guilty about you. That first night, he said he was too late and that it was his fault. I didn’t know what that meant until he told me the full story. He tried to protect you. I hope you knew that. I don’t want him to take on any more grief or blame. I know he’s grieving, too, and he’s putting his own feelings aside to make sure I’m okay. I’m worried that I’m distracting him from his work. I don’t want to drag him down anymore. _

_ “I hope you’ve met Mom and Dad. Maybe even Tama-sensei, Gekkeiju, and Shōsha, too. I want to believe that you are all watching over me, maybe even helping me along the way. And if you’re not, you are all in my heart. I shouldn’t rely on writing these letters for people who can’t even respond, even if they wanted to. I must keep going. For the village, for Kakashi, for myself. _

_ “Mom, Dad, Monju, Tama-sensei, Gekkeiju, Shōsha, thank you for everything. I love you all. Everything I have done up until now was all for you, and everything I do from now on will be for everyone. It’s like what Dad always said, right? I will live and help others as much as I can exactly because I am living and able to do anything.  _

_ “I’m not exactly ready to get back in the field, so I’ll dedicate myself to the hospital in the meantime. Wish me luck. _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

He had to stop reading. The aching pain in his chest grew too much. 

Kakashi turned the page to find a photo of the Gūzō family. A toddler Kanzeon (a small piece of tape beside her head read,  _ “me, 1-2” _ ) in the arms of their mother. A young Monju ( _ “Monju, 7” _ ) sporting his forehead protector, and their father behind him. A piece of paper tape along the bottom edge of the photograph read,  _ “Monju’s graduation from the Academy.”  _ The next page was a photograph of Monju  _ (“13”) _ , Kanzeon  _ (“8”) _ , and their father with the Third Hokage. Next was a picture of the two siblings. Bits of paper tape told Kakashi that Kanzeon was 15 and Monju was 20 in that image and that the two had taken that photograph themselves behind the photographer’s back. Kakashi wondered when exactly they snuck out and took the picture since he was well-acquainted with both of them by that point.

The next few pages were just sketches. One set of pages had a small photograph of Gekkeiju in the corner, and the sketches following it included a penciled version of the picture, what Kakashi assumed to be how Kanzeon imagined Gekkeiju as an older teenager and adult, and Gekkeiju in various taijutsu poses. Each drawing of Gekkeiju had thick eyebrows and a frown. The next set of pages had a picture of Shōsha, sketches of his face as a child, teen, and adult, and him holding various weapons as well as performing some Fire Style jutsu. Some drawings of older Shōsha had his hair long and tied up in a bun; others had his hair kept short in a messy bowl cut much like the photograph. Turning the page revealed Kanzeon’s sketches of her former sensei including different hairstyles (specifically: a ponytail, hair down, a braid, two braids, straight hair, and curled hair) as well as fighting poses. 

Kakashi turned the page yet again to find various sketches of his own face, masked and unmasked. Kanzeon even drew his Anbu mask (a scribbled note beside it said,  _ “scary!” _ ). She had one drawing of his face without his scar, his face with the Sharingan in both eyes, his hair with his headband, his hair without his headband, and one rather embarrassing sketch of him with his hair in numerous little pigtails. When he flipped the next page, he felt like he was reading an  _ Icha-Icha  _ since the next sketches moved beyond his shoulders. She had one drawing of him as he laid napping on her couch (at least, that was what she wrote beside it). He was wearing his undershirt, so it seemed that Kanzeon really focused on his bare arms. Another one was of him sleeping on his stomach and shirtless. She drew the scars along and across his back. Another drawing was of him shirtless again but he was laying on his back with one hand behind his head and the other holding a book. She didn't miss any of the few scars across his abdomen, and she was even careful enough to make the scars actually follow the curves of his abdominal muscles. Kakashi noted that she even wrote “Icha-Icha” on the cover. The note beside that read,  _ “hey! i’m right here! why are you reading that?!”  _ and had a simplistic face with closed, squinted eyes and an open, shouting mouth at the end. 

Kakashi recalled that Kanzeon had her own sketchbooks. She showed him her drawings many times throughout their time together, and she even had a small sketchbook of just him. He watched her drawings get better over the years, and in front of him was probably the best she had ever drawn. Judging from the style of the drawings in the  _ Letters  _ book, he figured she had completed them recently. Two or three years at the earliest. She may have even drawn them this year, but he couldn’t imagine when she had the time to draw, considering everything that happened recently. 

With a sigh, Kakashi closed the book and put it back into his pocket. He wanted to clear his mind. He figured he’d finally put what Monju taught him to good use: meditation. Early on in their friendship, Monju taught Kakashi a method of meditation from his father. It was a way to help Kakashi focus on the present and on himself. It worked only when Kakashi truly concentrated on something, but when it came to self-reflection, Kakashi couldn't do it for long. Besides, meditation with Monju really helped to hone his senses, which came in handy for missions.

Kakashi crossed his legs. He recalled Monju preferring to go full-lotus and Kanzeon half-lotus. He would normally go half-lotus (full-lotus grew uncomfortable after a while), but he was wearing his sandals and didn't want dirt on the thighs on his pants. He relaxed his arms, placing his hands in his lap. He unclenched his jaw, he let his shoulders fall. He let his body melt down while still keeping his head leveled and his back straight. He closed his eyes and thought of Monju’s words. 

Breathe in through the nose slowly until he reached a natural limit, then breathe out through the mouth until he once again reached a natural limit. No need to take in or out maximum lung capacity. No need to confine his breaths to counts. Just a natural rhythm. And then maybe shift his focus from his breathing to what his body was doing as he was breathing. Feel the rising and falling of the chest or the expanding and contracting of his stomach. Monju always said to aim for the chest rather than the stomach since that would be more natural. 

And from there, Kakashi could choose his path. Would he focus on something bothering him? Would he simply pay attention to his surroundings, his current sensations? Or would he take it to the next step of the Gūzō training by slowing his breathing down, stretching it slowly like a dough? 

He had already spent most of his time focusing on the things bothering him. This meditation practice of being aware of his surroundings helped him with missions all the time. But the breathing techniques were something he had never truly taken seriously. Sure, he employed them when he was fighting, but meditation was about peace. 

The first step of the Gūzō meditation training was finding the natural breathing cycle. The next step was slowing it down to calm the body. After that came the branching paths of a mediation session, but if Kakashi was focusing on the training aspect, he would have to begin expanding the lengths of his inhales and exhales as if he were slowly pushing against a light, invisible ceiling until he reached that natural limit. And then he would apply that slow breathing to greater lung capacities. 

This stretching of the breath really helped when it came to molding chakra. Monju always advised to focus in groups of ten. Ten inhales, the exhales. If he lost count, then he would have to start over. Focus only on the breath. Focus on making it a steady, gently flowing stream of air. If he went too fast, then start again. Once he completed the cycle of ten, then he would move onto the next step of the Gūzō meditation training which involved sensing the natural flow of chakra throughout the body. 

It was no wonder that the Gūzō family had such incredible chakra control. Monju once told Kakashi that his father would make him and his sister meditate for at least an hour everyday. After their father’s death, the siblings would make themselves meditate for at least half an hour a day. When pressed for time, the least amount of time Kakashi had seen either of them meditate for was ten minutes. 

Dammit. He forgot to keep count of his breath cycles. 

_ ‘One in…’ _

Feel the slight surge in strength, the slight tending of every cell in his body as it swelled with vitality, with every inhale.

_ ‘One out…’ _

And then feel the slight relaxation, the release of that tension, with every exhale.

By the tenth cycle, his body felt lighter and his mind calmer. He then chose to tune in to the environment. The rustling of the leaves and the grass as the breeze tugged it. The crackling of the fire. The skittering and chattering of some woodland creature. The smell of the smoke and the cool night air. No other human around for miles. Just him in the woods alone.

He opened his eyes and relaxed his spine, sinking forward with elbows on his knees and staring at the ground. His sins crawled on his back, and his regrets festered in his stomach, but his hopes to make a better future for just  _ one  _ person he met took root in his chest; his bittersweet memories of love sat at the back of his head, in his left eye, in his pockets, and around his arm. Everything that he learned, everything that he worked for, everything that he was, it all came from them. Kanzeon was right; even if they weren’t beside him or watching him from beyond, as long as he held them in his heart, it felt like they were here.

But as bright as this beautiful hope and love was, the darkness of his mistakes and his remorse kept dragging him down. He closed his eyes again, furrowing his brows down as if he were grimacing from the internal turmoil. After hanging his head in his silent shame, he lifted his heavy head to the night sky. The stars twinkled coldly, and a patch of clouds drifted in front of the moon, bathing the wispy edges in pale silver. 

_ “Hey, it’s wearing a mask like you!”  _ Kanzeon’s voice echoed from the back of his head, from his pockets, from under his sleeve. A memory of that night under the full moon. But when a nightly breeze passed by like the sigh of someone beyond, Kakashi didn’t think it was from her. 


	12. Life and Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter is "Dear Theodosia" from Hamilton! It's relevant, I promise. If you imagine Kanzeon's dad (Seishi) singing to her and Sakumo singing to Kakashi, it makes it better! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKpJjdKcjeo&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=13&t=0s  
> also ye, that link takes you to an official playlist with all the songs so far! enjoy!

_ “Day 2 _

_ “Kanzeon, _

_ “I was too late again. This time, it was my own students.  _

_ “I was too late for Sasuke. I was foolish to think that our little chat meant anything to him. I should have talked to him sooner.  _

_ “I was too late to help Naruto, but I’m thankful for his chakra. Sasuke used the Chidori on him, but Naruto must have been able to dodge it. Barely. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if he hadn’t. I keep making these promises to never let someone close to me die. Maybe I should stop. But I can’t. As long as I keep fighting, I’ll keep that promise one day. I will never let my comrades die. These kids will grow strong and make that promise themselves. _

_ Speaking of promises, I heard he made a promise to Sakura to bring Sasuke back. That means I was too late to reassure her, too. Naruto’s way of ninja is to never give up, but this will definitely be a blow for him. But he’s strong. He’ll pick himself up and get back out there again. He wants me to believe it? I already do. I believe in all of them. I just can’t believe I let this happen in the first place. _

_ “I told Sasuke Chidori wasn't to be used against his own comrades or for revenge. And he actually fucking used it on Naruto. I want to be angry at him, but all I feel is disappointment. For myself, really. I can’t blame him for wanting revenge.  _

_ “If only you were still here. Maybe you could help me with them. Lady Tsunade sent people to that village as an apology and to wait for you and your team. I know I shouldn't give up hope, but the evidence was everywhere. My  _ ninken  _ detected the scent of death all over. Things you would never lose were on the ground.  _

_ “I’m going all over the place, aren’t I? Your letters feel more cohesive. Been kind of a rough day for me, as you can see. Is this what Lord Hiruzen felt? Maybe, maybe not. Orochimaru is way more fucked up than Sasuke and way more manipulative. He slithers in the shadows. No wonder he likes snakes. But Sasuke just wants revenge. I never set him straight, and now he’s left. I wish he could see how much Naruto and Sakura love him, but I fear that even if he does see it, he won’t care. _

_ “Best to sleep now before I think too much. I hope I don’t dream. Good night, Kanzeon, everyone. _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

Kakashi regretted rereading this letter. He should have just burned it the moment he signed it, but he felt an unnecessary guilt after realizing this letter was probably way too short. He ripped out the page and folded it in half. He stood up from his desk and opened the window over his bed. He performed a single Tiger hand seal and kneaded a bit of his chakra into fire. He then let out a puff of air from his lips, a small fireball immediately flying out and lighting the letter aflame. Kakashi held the burning letter in his hand before letting it fall out his window. A breeze scattered the smoke, ashes, and embers into the night sky.

He shut the window and looked down at the open book on his desk. There were still entries he had yet to read. Not many, but they were there. Kanzeon did a really terrible job at writing those letters. Or maybe she did write more and simply ripped them out. It didn’t matter now; Kakashi possessed the book, and what was in it was merely what she left inside it. He flipped back a couple pages to the last unread entry (the first entry after all those sketches and doodles).

_ “Dad, (and Monju?) _

_ “I just got back from the hospital. I’m not hurt. I was just tired. I used up a lot of my chakra. I used  _ Seisaikara  _ again. But this time, I actually did it right. _

_ “A few days ago,  _ Sandaime  _ gave me a mission. He said I was probably the best person for this if things went terribly wrong, and when he said that, I was kind of scared. He told me I had to make up my mind by the end of the day on whether or not I wanted to go on this mission before he would assign someone else to the team and give me another hospital assignment. I told Kakashi about it, and of course he told me I should go. So I went. Apparently people are surprised I do actual missions. It’s fine, I brought that on myself. My fault for not being like Kakashi. Diligent, brave, strong. I’m just not tough like him. I know I’m way too soft. I figured this would be my one chance to prove everyone that I am capable. _

_ “The mission was to escort the daimyō’s niece and her baby back to the palace. It sounded simple, but then I learned just how many people were after them for personal and political reasons. At one point, we were entirely surrounded. We fought them off as much as we could. I was in the middle of healing my teammate when I saw them try to attack the main carriage. I dropped everything and ran towards them. Thankfully, back up came and got rid of the guys attacking. But that didn’t mean we were safe. There were still so many of them. My teammate wasn’t happy that I left him still injured, but the niece and her daughter were practically defenseless! I went in, and the poor baby was crying like crazy. I told someone to cover me and used  _ Seisaikara  _ on the two of them. It was a lot, and I barely dodged an arrow aimed at my head. I had enough strength to fight, but it was a lot to put two different people in  _ Seisaikara,  _ even if one of them was just a baby. I had to use Fiery Tails Jutsu at one point which really drained my chakra. How did you even manage to put three adults in  _ Seisaikara  _ and still fight? _

_ “Once the mission was over, I barely had the strength for  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu. _ After that, I passed out. I woke up in the hospital. Kakashi was there. He’s always there. I feel so bad. He probably had his own missions to go on, and he was there for me. _

_ “He stayed for a while after I woke up, but it was already late and he had to go. In the morning,  _ Sandaime  _ visited me. And he talked to me. For a long time. And it was about you, Dad. _

_ “ _ Sandaime  _ said that he was relieved that the mission was a success and that everyone made it out alive, but he scolded me for pushing my limits by using more chakra after  _ Seisaikara.  _ He said that if I had died, then there would be trouble with the daimyō since nobody would be able to use  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu  _ to wake up the niece and baby. I guess Monju, you never told  _ Sandaime  _ about Kakashi.  _

_ “ _ Sandaime  _ still said my willingness to protect was good, but I had to be smart about it. He asked me if he knew how you died, Dad. I told him you died on the battlefield during the Third War. He said not quite. _

_ “He said that early on during the Third War, he received word of a devastating attack approaching Konoha. He already dispatched many to counter this attack force. Those who made it back to report to him were already so injured and died shortly after. He said for days, a massive storm cloud had brewed over the entire village. The village began to follow the evacuation protocol when the storm began. That was their attack, apparently. A whole division formed from the allied enemies to destroy Konoha and everyone in it.  _

_ “Monju and I had our own missions, so we weren’t anywhere near the village at the time.  _ Sandaime  _ said that the enemy had completely surrounded the village. You were still there, running up to him and asking him what was wrong. Once he caught you up, you asked him to watch me and Monju as you walked away. He tried to stop you, but you kept walking. He told me he knew exactly what you were going to do.  _ Seisaikabe.  _ The Wall of Life. The ultimate form of  _ Seisaikara _.  _

_ “You refused to teach us  _ Seisaikabe.  _ You said it could only be used under the most dire circumstances and that to even use it, we had to think the exact same as when we awoke  _ Seisaikara.  _ Which isn't really thinking.  _ Seisaikara  _ only awakens when the instinct to save yourself is overridden and replaced with the need to protect, even at the cost of your life. There must be no consideration of yourself. You don't even give them a warning to help themselves. You act only for the ones you're protecting. It's instantaneous. And you said that for  _ Seisaikabe,  _ a single hint of hesitation will completely cancel it. Pure altruistic instinct. The higher the stakes, the more powerful it is since  _ Seisaikara  _ always depends on the desire to protect. But no matter what,  _ Seisaikabe  _ always takes the life of the user. Which is why you refused to teach us it. You said yourself that you would never use it. Our abilities were meant to be self-sacrificing, and for that, our clan ended up so scattered around the world with no one village to call home.  _

_ “ _ Sandaime  _ said after you left, he felt a surge of chakra and saw a dome appear in the sky. He figured that because our ability draws from our physical energy, you probably became part of the dome’s chakra. Some shinobi reported seeing you cast  _ Seisaikabe  _ and saw you disappear as the dome formed. He let your name be carved on the Stone even though you were never an official shinobi of Konohagakure.  _

_ “ _ Sandaime  _ told me that even though you had your philosophy of ‘living to fight another day because the living can do anything while the dead are forced to do nothing,’ you still chose to save the village without me or Monju anywhere close to it. You had the Will of Fire. _

_ “He said he wanted to tell me the truth about your death because my actions reminded him of you. But nothing I do will ever come close to your  _ Seisaikabe.  _ At first I didn’t know whether or not to call you a hypocrite for going back on your way of ninja. You built your whole outlook on life based on the fact that our clan — our family — became viewed as tools and sacrifices and you wanted to break free from that cycle. You turned your back on everything. Your clan, your village, your abilities. All for yourself. _

_ “But then I realized you were waiting. People in the village said you had no loyalty, but you were just waiting to find something worth putting your loyalty into. You said to live to fight another day, but you were just waiting to find something worth fighting for. You said to live because the living can do anything, but you were waiting until you, the living, could do nothing else. _

_ “I’m sorry if I got this wrong. After all, Monju and I never questioned you directly about your way of ninja. Or, I guess just way of life. I think that was what  _ Sandaime  _ was trying to tell me. To not give up my life so quickly. To find that Will of Fire first. I still have a long way to go. But I have help here, in this world of the living.  _

_ “This has been a very long letter. Even though I’m back home, I was told to still get plenty of rest. Good night! _

_ “Love, Kanzeon” _

Kakashi flipped to the next page, only to find it blank. He found the shreds of paper along the spine where he had ripped out his Day 2 letter. That was it. Her final letter. He closed the book and put his head in his hands, massaging his forehead as he escaped into his pocket of darkness. 

He could only think of that night when Gūzō Seishi visited his father, when he met Gūzō Monju for the first time. He recalled his father’s bitter words at the former Suna ninja, calling Seishi a man who knew nothing of loyalty and the honor to die for his village, a man who only cared about himself. He wondered if his father influenced Seishi’s sacrifice or if Seishi at the time was still searching for the thing worth giving up his life for. 

He wondered if Kanzeon, in her last moments, found that thing. Did she figure out how to use  _ Seisaikabe _ ? But it didn’t make sense. She must have known that the client was after them. Her scent overlapped the scents of her dead teammates. What did she have to protect that night? In a situation like that, it would have been best to employ her father’s usual philosophy of living to fight another day. 

Kakashi had his fair share of death. Death was an inevitable part of the life of a shinobi. Death came at random and at will. It took everything with no regard or remorse. These facts about death, Kakashi had learned the hard way. But the mystery of Kanzeon’s death bothered him. He knew she was gone, but it just didn’t sit right with him. He couldn’t explain it. He forced himself to stand up from his desk, turn off the lamp, and crawl under his sheets. He closed his eyes and found himself asleep within seconds. His black vision faded, filling with colors of a dream. 

Except it didn't feel like a dream. He was in Konoha. Definitely Konoha. Kakashi turned around, observing the streets. Everything felt so gray and hazy. He looked up to the sky as a massive bolt of lightning split the sky in half, striking the street in front of him and creating a small crater. He instinctively held his arms up to cover his face and channeled his chakra around his feet as the debris flew by him. A loud peal of thunder shattered the sound barrier and shook the earth beneath his feet, causing the crater to crack at the edges. He almost thought it was night when he saw the giant storm cloud overhead. 

He blinked and he found himself atop the Hokage Residence. He could see a white robed figure standing all the way across the flat roof. The strong winds blew the robes completely perpendicular to their body. Out of pure curiosity, he turned around to face the Hokage Rock. To his surprise there were only three faces carved in the mountainside. 

_ “Hiruzen!”  _ A voice snapped Kakashi back to this fabricated reality. Right as he turned his head, he found himself much closer to the Third Hokage and the source of the voice. 

A man with dark hair and eyes wearing a beige flak jacket with jutting shoulder pads — the flak jacket of Sunagakure, if Kakashi recalled — stood before Kakashi and the Third Hokage. 

_ “Seishi! You shouldn’t be here!”  _ The Third Hokage exclaimed.  _ “You must evacuate!” _

Seishi? Kakashi had only seen Monju and Kanzeon’s father once, and it was that night when he visited his father. Now that Kakashi looked at him, the man  _ did _ look familiar. 

_ “What’s going on? I heard this storm is an attack on the village. Is this true?”  _ The man demanded.

_ “Yes, it’s true. The village is surrounded and under a collaboration jutsu.”  _ The Third Hokage grumbled, looking out over the empty streets. Everything blurred due to the downpour.  _ “But you need to go, Seishi.” _

_ “Do you not feel this amount of chakra? If this storm goes on any longer, it will destroy the whole village!” _

_ “I’m aware, but I must make sure everyone has gotten to safety before I make my move.” _

A moment of silence fell between the two men, broken only by the roaring rain, the howling wind, and the rumbling thunder. 

_ “The village can’t wait. And you can’t take all of them on alone.”  _ Seishi began to walk away.

_ “Wait! Don’t tell me you’re going to use that ability!” _

Seishi stopped dead in his tracks. A hand reached into one of his pockets and he pulled out a forehead protector. Kakashi couldn’t even make out a symbol; the metal had so many scratches across its surface.

_ “I know it’s against your duty as the Hokage, but watch over Monju and Kanzeon for me…”  _ Seishi brought the headband to his forehead. His hands ran along the strips of cloth to the back of his head and tied a tight knot. He then looked over his shoulder to the Third Hokage and smiled.  _ “...won’t you?” _

Kakashi watched as Lord Hiruzen widened his eyes, momentarily stunned. The Third Hokage then closed his eyes, his eyebrows knitting together. A painful goodbye and a solemn promise. 

_ “I will.” _

Seishi then continued on his way. Kakashi’s dream vision followed the former Suna shinobi through the streets, past the walls and the gates of the village. Almost as if Kakashi were chasing him. He watched as Seishi performed a quick series of hand seals. Kakashi recognized a few of them. Seishi started with his hands together, as if in prayer, but his fingers and palms weren't flat against each other. The knuckles were slightly bent, causing the fingers to only meet until the first distal joint. Kakashi only recognized it among the flurry since it was the first hand seal and because he figured it was the starting hand seal of all the techniques of the Gūzō family:  _ Seisaikara, Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu,  _ regular meditation training, and now, this ultimate technique. 

_ "Namu Amida Butsu..."  _ Seishi muttered under his breath, performing the hand seals with each syllable. On the last syllable, he clapped his hands together and opened his eyes wide. "Seisaikabe!”

Kakashi saw chakra surround Seishi’s hands. Massive amounts of chakra. Seishi then held his hands up and out directly in front of him as if he were pushing against a wall. Kakashi watched as a dome of chakra stemmed from his hands and shot up into the sky and down into the ground. He quickly forced his gaze back to Seishi and ran to the edge of the dome. He felt as though he was on the opposite side of a window, watching what he assumed to be Seishi’s final moments. The older shinobi’s head tilted downward slightly, his face furrowed in intense concentration. And then his face relaxed as he smiled. The glow of the chakra dome began to crawl up his arms. 

And as if this Seishi of the past knew Kakashi was there, he lifted his head and looked right into Kakashi’s eye with a content smile still on his face as his body dissipated, engulfed in the light of the chakra. Kakashi realized quickly that Seishi was actually giving Konoha one last look. At that moment, Kakashi’s vision turned pure white as a lightning bolt crashed down onto the  _ Seisaikabe _ and reflected outwards, the deafening thunder coming impossibly instantaneously.

The light dimmed and his ears stopped ringing. Kakashi found himself surrounded in darkness yet still in the rain. He noticed a shadowy figure directly in front of him about an arm’s length away. The figure fell to one side, and Kakashi realized he was reliving that terrible memory of the night he failed to save Monju. Like a curtain pulling back, the figure fell away to reveal Monju, impaled by the enemy’s weapon. Kakashi blinked, and he found his hands holding Monju’s. As another blinding lightning strike engulfed his vision, Kakashi caught a glimpse of Monju’s face. His eyebrows lifted and knitted together in a mix of agony and content. The blood splattered over his face glistened as it mixed with the rain. His lips drew back in a soft smile. 

_ “Keep her safe...won’t you?” _

The second time Kakashi's dream shifted within the lightning, he found himself in a forest clearing. Once more, it was nighttime and the rain continued to pour down on him. A distant lightning strike revealed two figures standing apart yet facing each other. They seemed to be getting ready to fight. 

Suddenly, Kakashi found himself standing directly in front of one of these fighters. A massive lightning bolt sprawled across the heavens like the shattering of a plate, illuminating the figure in front of him: Kanzeon, dressed in a jōnin uniform, her long black hair stuck together in wet locks down her back and chest with the shorter hairs clinging to her forehead and jaw, and her face noticeably bare without her glasses. Kakashi noticed a slight swelling and bruising on one cheek. He also saw her brows furrowed down and her strained eyes staring straight through him and at her foe behind him. She had her legs apart and bent, her arms in front of her, ready to fight. Despite her slightly battered appearance, her breathing remained steady and deep. 

Without thinking, he lunged towards her, wanting to grab her and pull her away and save her. But his body passed right through hers, and before Kakashi could hit the wet grass, he jolted straight up in bed. 

_ ‘It was only a dream…’  _ He leaned back and collapsed onto his pillow. He stared up at the dark ceiling, his mind racing from what he had just witnessed. The final moments of each Gūzō he met, he assumed. Probably inspired from that last letter he read. 

It was strange though. Why did he see Kanzeon? Was it truly something that happened, much like his memory of Monju’s death? Or was it something his mind concocted, like the vision of Seishi and the Third Hokage? Were those parts of his dream actually something his subconscious stitched together, or were they memories sent from the beyond?

His eyelids grew too heavy to keep open, and as the oncoming unconsciousness crawled up his body, his memories from when he was a boy merged with his dreams.

He saw Seishi in front of him. The older shinobi bent down, his hand atop Kakashi’s head.

_ “Be good, Kakashi. As good as your father. Maybe even better.”  _ He smiled. 

His hand withdrew from Kakashi’s hair. He turned around and walked away from the golden light behind Kakashi and into the night. Suddenly, the light extinguished, surrounding Kakashi in darkness. He turned around right as a flash of lightning illuminated the room. In front of him was his father’s body, curled up and bleeding out on the ground. When the flickering white lights from outside ceased and encased him in the darkness once more, Kakashi noticed an orange-gold light fill the room. Except the ground where his father had been lying was completely empty now. In fact the ground he was staring at was no longer  _ tatami  _ and wood; it was barren earth. His eye followed the light. In the distance, he saw a bonfire with rocks scattered around it. He could make out the forms of two people sitting atop the rocks. He couldn’t see much else due to how far back he was standing and how close they were to the fire.

One figure stood up and put one hand on the other one’s shoulder. Kakashi noticed their arm begin to glow, becoming one with the fire. The other arm ignited in the same fashion, and the orange light crawled up to their torso and spread up and down to the head and the feet. All the while, the remaining figure sat still, unscathed. 

Kakashi tried to take a step forward, only for the ground beneath him to crumble. As he fell, he stretched his hand out to the sitting figure and tried to shout, but nothing came out of his mouth. His eye flung open, the morning light filtering through his window. 

Some dreams he had… Kakashi felt as though he hadn’t even slept a wink. Well, he was up now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading again you guys :') let me know what you think because i appreciate the kudos and comment!  
> anyways NOTES!  
> -if you recall a couple of chapters ago, the name/word "Seishi" means a lot of relevant things including the name of a bodhisattva that appears in a trio with the bodhisattvas, Kanzeon and Amida. We know that Kanzeon is the bodhisattva of compassion, and as in chpt. 6: The Shell of Life, Amida is the name of the Buddha of Infinite Light, a common figure in Pure Land (East Asian) Buddhism and the subject of nianfo/nembutsu aka we take refuge in this Buddha a lot. Seisaikara uses a shortened form of the nembutsu (Na Man Da Butsu) and Seisaikabe uses the full version.  
> -speaking of Seisaikabe, it means "Wall of Life". It's a barrier ninjutsu from the kekkei genkai, Seisaikara ("shell of life"). Originally going to be added is the fact that the conditions that must be met in order to use Seisaikabe are almost the exact same to first awaken Seisaikara: a pure protection instinct. In fact, when Seisaikara awakens, it is "unleashed" rather than simply activated or used in the same fashion as Seisaikabe. This "first ever Seisakara" comes in as a single pulse/wall of chakra that moves outward rapidly (like a Force push, if you will) that avoids the target and pushes everything else away. This disappears within seconds whereas Seisaikabe is sustained and remains in place. As you can imagine, I have no idea how to incorporate that into the story other than a past letter from Kanzeon, but why would she write about that, ya know?  
> -you also might be noticing this phrase pop up a few times: Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu. that's all i have to say about that, i just thought you might notice it uwu


	13. Bracing the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: Waiting For You sung by Qu Chuxiao https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce3KzqrDUr8&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=13&t=0s&ab_channel=DeweyGreatLYRICS  
> another note, this chapter basically happens over the end of OG Naruto, the couple years between, and all of Shippuden. I was going for a really broken chapter made of mostly letters written by Kakashi that jumped between these important moments in the show, and it ended up being super long. Feel free to skip certain chunks!  
> also i hope you consider the lyrics of this particular song! it kind of fits!

_ “Day 3 _

_ “Kanzeon, _

_ “Were you Naruto’s ‘Ramen Angel’? _

_ “I ask because he made a comment about it before he left on his mission with Master Jiraiya and Sakura. That his ‘Ramen Angel didn’t visit for the first time ever.’ He was a little disappointed, but you know him. He’s not the type to stay down. I asked him what he meant and he explained.  _

_ “He told me that every time he’s in the hospital for more than a day, he wakes up one morning to a hot bowl of ramen. Ichiraku, usually, but if not, then two or three cups of instant ramen. This stay after the whole Sasuke thing was the first time the Ramen Angel didn’t show up. He said that he needed his Ramen Angel the most right then. _

_ “Did you even know he called you that? _

_ “I want to be disappointed in you since first of all, you  _ _ work in the hospital _ _ , so you should know that sometimes he shouldn’t be eating ramen. Second of all, you know he eats enough ramen as it is! But it does warm up this stone heart of mine to realize that you probably cared. _

_ “I know Iruka conquered his personal strife about being Naruto’s homeroom teacher, and even that took a bit. But now that I think about it, you never really talked about Naruto in that terrible way most do. You called him a troublemaker once, but you also said he reminded you of one of your old teammates quite a bit. If I had to guess, I’d say you meant Gekkeiju. _

_ “Retrospect these past few days has really hit hard. Surely you must have harbored at least some discomfort about Naruto at some point. You never really talked about the incident or anything, but I remember our old conversations from when we first started talking. I remember you asking me to go easy on Naruto after I got those three assigned to me. I didn’t think much of it then. I remember I told you that I would never change my test because teamwork is important. It saves lives. I remember being a little harsh on you for saying to go easy on them. I remember I said that you wouldn’t understand the struggles of getting a team to work together since you were childhood friends with the two in your genin team. Now that you’re gone, I can’t stop thinking about things I could’ve done better. _

_ “But you wanted me, the guy who never passes his genin, to go easy on Naruto because you said I’d crush him and his dreams. You never thought of Naruto as the Nine-Tails. You even compared him to someone you lost that night. Normally, people would just straight up blame Naruto for those deaths. Even Iruka struggled to separate Naruto from the Nine-Tails. And there you were, telling me to go easy on Naruto because you cared about him and his dreams. How much did you know, I wonder?  _

_ “Can’t believe I ever overlooked that. I wish you knew how much you meant. Not just to me, but to everyone. Tsunade’s gotten more irritable (though, I don’t think many people notice the difference, but Shizune’s mentioned it quite a bit). I ask her if anything’s returned and she says no and then leaves to punch a wall or something. I’ve stopped asking. I’m sure she’ll summon me if anything happens. I’ve heard the nurses in the hospital mention that things go a little slower now that you’re gone.  _

_ “Hell, I even overhear other shinobi talk about you. They sound surprised that something happened to you. Well, more like you letting something this bad happen.  _

_ “Word’s getting around, and it’s hard to avoid. I have to play along. When Guy gets back, he’ll start checking up on me. He cared about you, but he’ll put his own pain aside for me, but he doesn’t even know how much it hurts me that you’re gone. I was so stupid. I can’t believe I never told him. I’ve known him longer than Monju, and I didn’t tell him my biggest secret. And now I have to pretend that everything’s okay. Good thing I’ve got past trauma and terrible coping mechanisms and a mask to hide the pain, right? _

_ “Sorry. Terrible joke. I know you’d yell at me for saying shit like that, but now that you’re gone, it’s back to square one for me. Now that I’m older and hopefully wiser, I just might be able to deal with this a lot better than when I was a kid or teenager. _

_ “And besides, I have all these letters to write, right? For now, it’ll be like you’re here. Kind of. And maybe one day, I’ll tell Guy. He deserves to know. I hope he won’t be upset with me for hiding it from him. He could never be mad at you even if he tried.  _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

Kakashi took a running start, charging up the trunk of a tree and pushing off of it. He leaned back, causing his head to point straight down towards the ground. He reached into his weapons pouch, grabbing eight shuriken between each of his fingers. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and sharply thrust his arms out- and downwards, opening his fingers and releasing the shuriken. He continued to lean back until his body reoriented itself upright, completing his back flip. He landed on the ground in a half-squat with one knee and a palm to the ground. He heard eight thuds in rapid succession as the shuriken embedded into their respective targets. Kakashi glanced around. All of them in the center. 

He reached into his pouch again, only to find it empty already. He had been practicing and training for a while now, and he figured it was time to retrieve everything and take a break. However, as he lifted his hand out from the pouch, he felt something cold, smooth, and hard. It felt much like a kunai, but when he pulled it out, he saw the dangling red lucky knot tassel. Kanzeon’s chakra blade fan. 

He held the fan in his left hand while the fingertips of his right hand traced over the silk knot and tassels. If it was a lucky knot or amulet of protection, Kakashi figured it had long lost its meaning, but he couldn’t bring himself to burn it. The mere reminder of such craftsmanship reminded Kakashi of Rin’s  _ omamori  _ that she put in her medic kit gift so long ago. He regretted not being able to dispose of it properly since he used the kit and the situations were far too dire. Gazing down at the red lucky knot bitterly reminded him of them. 

To take his mind off of his cruel past, he twisted his left wrist inwards, pointing the fan completely downwards. He moved his thumb to rest along the side of his index finger from its original position in a loose fist, causing the fan to slightly open. He then flicked his wrist out and up, released his hold on the fan, and threw it up into the air in front of his face, his left arm continuing the motion triggered by his wrist and swinging outwards. The fan’s metals blades sharply clicked as it opened, completely suspended in the air as he grabbed the bottom of the open fan with his right hand. The rapid motion caused his right hand to hold the fan over his left shoulder, his free arm catching the breeze as the fan swept in a quarter-circle. 

He imitated this dramatic flair of retrieving the fan exactly as Kanzeon had done when he had watched her train. He channeled his chakra into the metal brisé fan, feeling the high-intensity vibrations of the metal as it began to crackle and chirp and spark. He then opened his right arm and swung it completely in front of him as he slightly twisted his right hand so that the blades of the fan were now perfectly parallel to the ground. 

The tree a few meters away from him had a clean cut across its trunk. The tree behind it also suffered a scratch, indicating that his channeled lightning completely sliced through his target tree so cleanly and so swiftly that the tree didn’t even fall over. 

Looking down at the open blades, Kakashi made out his blurred reflection in the metal, the outer edges of the fan still sparking with electricity. He held the fan away from his face and gave it a few beats to dispel the electrical remnants, generating a tiny breeze. He then twisted his hand so that his palm faced the sky, the blades of the fan clacking together as he closed it. The red tassel spilled from his palm like a stream of blood. Kakashi closed his eyes, unable to rid himself of his sins, as he pulled his headband over his left eye and shoved the fan back into his pouch. 

He couldn’t bring himself to use either version of Fire Style: Fiery Tails Jutsu or Comet Crash Jutsu. His chest grew heavy at the bitter memories. He sat down directly on the ground, crossing his legs and straightening his back. 

Funny, wasn’t it? The one surefire way to free him momentarily from his solitude and his despair was a signature technique taught to him by the two siblings he had failed, the same two who showed him those Fire Style jutsu that he couldn’t bear to perform. 

_‘One in…one out…’_

* * *

_ “Year 2, Month 6 _

_“I don’t know if I can talk about this, but I suspect something is up with Amegakure. Of course, I didn’t get very far when I tried to investigate. Felt like I was being watched the whole time I was there anyway. Even when I was sneaking around. Can’t shake the feeling that something_ _bad_ _strange_ _SOMETHING is going on there. I’ll leave it at that, just in case whoever was watching me trailed me home and is now watching me write this._

_ “I’ve been thinking. When Naruto gets back, I want to form a team with him and Sakura. Officially make us equals as Team Kakashi. I trust Master Jiraiya to train Naruto well these past couple of years and the same with Lady Tsunade and Sakura. You know, now that I think about it, all my kids follow a legendary Sannin. That’s kind of cool. I can only teach them so many things myself, and who would have thought they’d find themselves under a Sannin, of all?  _

_ “Or maybe I’m just that lame and lazy that my kids ran to others to train them, unable to grow under my ways. I’m grateful for Master Jiraiya and Lady Tsunade. And I guess Orochimaru to some degree. I just wish Sasuke’s growth wasn’t going to be exploited for that scaly bastard’s selfishness. I’d like to see how far he’s come, but I know the only way that’s happening is if I’m fighting him. But maybe — just maybe — there’s still hope. Naruto and Sakura believe it. Lady Tsunade won’t declare him a missing-nin, which means she believes it. Well, so will I. But I should’ve tried harder. Would it have even made a difference? _

_ “Enough of these questions. I’m going to bed. _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

Kakashi stared at the hospital ceiling, unable to move a muscle in his body. He had to admit, he probably overdid things with his Mangekyō Sharingan, but it had to be done. No amount of training could prepare him for the backlash of overusing it. He’d request for ice or heat packs to place over his aching left eye, and the kind nurses would give it to him. 

Even though it had been almost three years, he half-expected Kanzeon to open the doors to his room and scold him for being reckless. He wanted to write a letter about this event, but he didn’t have the strength to hold a pencil for long. He didn’t even have the strength to eat solid food. 

Perhaps he’d reread the letters he left in the book. He tried not to write often. He didn’t want the  _ Letters to the Dead  _ to become his crutch, but a part of him felt guilty if he didn’t write once in a while. 

Since the end of the first forty-nine days of writing letters, Kakashi had only written about ten letters in the past two and a half years. He stopped keeping track of the exact days and addressing letters to specific people. The letters became his diary. A place to talk about things that grew too much to keep to himself but couldn’t be told to anyone. He grew to enjoy the comfort of his friends more, reassured by their trust and respect of him.

Despite it all, he had yet to move on. He thought that having Kanzeon’s support helped him overcome Monju’s death, but now that she was gone, their losses compounded. And he couldn’t really distract himself emotionally by investing in his genin. Sasuke’s defection, Naruto’s departure, and Sakura’s dedication meant that he was doing missions practically nonstop. On good evenings, he’d have drinks with Guy, Asuma, Kurenai, and sometimes Anko. He could never look Asuma and Kurenai in the eye, though. He saw too much of Kanzeon and himself in them, except they were way worse at keeping their relationship a secret than he and Kanzeon. Sometimes, if he was too tipsy, he’d almost talk about her. But it was far too late to be revealing such a thing. 

Seeing Naruto return, holding a bell test and seeing how far Naruto and Sakura had come, and going on the mission for the Kazekage had been a huge relief, despite its obvious pains. But now, he was alone. Tenzō —  _ Yamato  _ — took his place in Team Kakashi, which eased his mind, but Kakashi still preferred to be there himself. 

With a sigh, he sat up and grabbed one of the  _ Icha-Icha  _ books Master Jiraiya had given him. Rereading them never got old. But even when reading them, he still imagined the heroine as a willowy woman with pale skin and long black hair, a pair of circular glasses over dark eyes, a set of soft full pink lips, a body that fit perfectly against his when he hugged her from behind… 

During his hospital stay, he always read  _ Icha-Icha  _ with one knee bent upwards, causing a high tent in the sheets. He wouldn’t want a nurse checking in on him and catching sight of something rather embarrassing.

* * *

_ “Year 3, Month 1 _

_ “I wrote Asuma a letter. Don’t know if he’ll ever be able to read it, but I did. I probably won’t be able to do all forty-nine days, but it’s fine. I’ll make up for it with action. I’ll give a quick summary here for you to read yourself. _

_ “I confessed to him about us, Kanzeon. I told him how much seeing him and Kurenai together inspired me. And then, after you were gone, how much it hurt. I asked him to not be upset that I didn’t tell him and Kurenai about us. And as much as I want to be there for Kurenai, it’s not my place. Plus, it would come off weird, so I asked him for forgiveness for that. I hope you don’t mind that. Maybe you and him could talk about it wherever you are now.  _

_ “I told him that I would help his Team 10. They’re heading out tomorrow morning, so I better get to it. I need all the sleep I can get after training with Naruto. These kids are growing up really fast. At this rate, they’ll surpass all of us within a few years. I’m proud of that. I’m glad to have done one thing right. _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

Pinned between the massive slabs of concrete from the chest down. His chakra almost completely drained from using his Mangekyō Sharingan to cast the nail Pain aimed at his forehead into the nether. Blood streaming down his face. Everything spun. The street he had just been fighting on, wrecked beyond belief. Kakashi lost.

That damn persistent Pain that was more machine than man had mangled part of its back to form a guided missile of sorts and aimed it right for Chōji. Chōji, who held the secret of the main Pain.

_ “Run! Chōji!” _ Kakashi yelled, his voice rasping from urgency and physical strain.

The young, tearful Akimichi stood up from his father’s lying body and turned on his heel with all the strength he had, letting out a battle cry. Pain had yet to fire its missile, but Kakashi knew that it would catch up to Chōji rather quickly.

_ ‘With the amount of chakra I have left, it’s impossible to destroy his entire body. If I use it one more time, I’ll exhaust all of my stamina and chakra.’  _ Kakashi closed his left eye at the impending doom.  _ ‘My life…’ _

The blast as mechanical Pain released the missile snapped Kakashi back to reality. He had fought with all he had. There would be no other day he could fight for if Chōji didn’t inform Lady Tsunade about the main Pain’s abilities. He dedicated his life to righting his wrongs, drowning himself in missions to support his village as part of his atonement, because he, of everyone he had lost, was still alive.

He was Hatake Kakashi, the Copy Ninja. Hatake Kakashi of the Sharingan. Copied over a thousand jutsu as tools under his belt. All because he was alive and he was able to. 

Gūzō Seishi’s way of ninja, interpreted by his daughter Kanzeon, echoed in his head:

_ Live because the dead are forced to do nothing. Live because you, the living, can do anything. Live until you, the living, are forced to do nothing. _

He gathered all remaining chakra into his left eye. In his mind, he sent a single message, his final hope and prayer for Chōji. 

_ ‘Entrust this information to those who still live. This is the best method I have to save Konoha!’ _

With that, Kakashi flung his left eye open, Mangekyō Sharingan activated. His vision surged forward several meters, following the smoke trail of the missile. He felt the life force actively drain from his body, but he kept pushing. As close as he could until he placed the target for the vortex. His eye ached as he felt the weight of the missile being pulled into the vortex. He felt the weight immediately lighten once the missile had been disposed of. With that, he finally relaxed, his head tilting back towards the sky as the rest of his body was painfully supported by the concrete tent around him. 

His breaths came, rapid and shallow. The debris on top of him seemed to want to kill him faster, pushing against his chest and forcing more air out. But it was fine. The mechanical Pain finally stopped moving, and Chōji was well on his way. 

_ ‘Well...seems like this is it for me.’ _

The clear blue sky above blurred, fading between its pure clarity and the blackness of death that dragged him down. He began his final train of thought.

_ ‘Obito...Rin…’  _

His eyes grew too heavy to keep open. The world turned black.

* * *

The landscape he stood in felt ethereal. The sky was a deep pink, laced with purple clouds and dotted with twinkling stars, and the moon seemed too large along the horizon. The ground he stood on perfectly reflected the heavens above and slightly rippled.

Directly ahead of him, he saw two figures. One was tall and muscular with short hair, dressed in a regular t-shirt and loose pants with elasticated ankle bands; the other stood to the former’s shoulder with a willowy frame and long hair, dressed in a flowing  _ haori  _ and skin-tight leggings. Though they were silhouettes with dimly lit edges in the distance, Kakashi could see that the taller one had his arms folded over his broad chest and that the smaller one gripped her upper arm with the other hand, the forearm crossing over her chest. 

The two figures turned around. Kakashi noted that the shorter, willowy figure’s long hair reached down to her waist, swaying as she slowly spun around and walked away until she grew too small to perceive along the wavering horizon. He also caught the glint of large round glasses over her eyes. The larger figure, however, stayed still and jumped into the air, only to turn into a glowing blue bird leaving a glittering blue trail in his wake and fly after the diminishing figure walking into the horizon.

Kakashi closed his eyes, bowing his head down, feeling somewhat at peace with what he saw yet still riddled with guilt. It reminded him of the second chance he lost, of the original sin he committed that warranted a second chance to begin with.

_ “Whatever the village may say, you are a great jōnin.”  _ Obito’s words played in his head, his bloodied face flashing in his mind.  _ “I’m about to die, but…I’ll become your eyes and see the future for you. Take care of Rin…” _

Kakashi straightened his head and flung his eyes open wide.

“Obito…!” he said out loud.

The ground beneath him gave way, but instead of falling, his body sank gently. So he was standing atop water in this ethereal plane after all. 

Despite slipping beneath the surface of the water, he could no longer see the sky as he gazed upwards. Instead, he only saw his own reflection suspended, floating.

_ ‘Seems this is as far as it goes for me to see the future as your eyes…’ _

His reflection wavered, and in its place, he saw the true reason for his death. He saw his students and his comrades’ students, but not as they were now. They were small and young and hopeful. He hoped that he was able to restore that hope for the destroyed Konoha with his final act.

With that, his body began to sink, his hands naturally drifting upwards and in front of him as if he were still reaching for the surface, for the light.

_ “I wasn’t able to protect Rin. I wasn't able to protect Kanzeon. I keep breaking my promises. Forgive me.” _

Familiar hands grabbed his extended ones and pulled him upright. Almost immediately, the water around him vanished, and he stood on solid ground. The bottom of that ethereal lake. Or could it be that he was in the lake of his own heart?

In front of him was his old team as he last remembered them. Perhaps this really was his own heart, and he was confronting the people he loved failed first, his greatest stones.

_ “Obito, Rin, Sensei…” _

One by one, they turned away from him, transforming into those glittering blue birds and flying into the magenta heavens above, leaving him on the indigo ground. 

_ “...I’ll be joining you now.” _

Kakashi walked forward, following the direction they headed in before vanishing. Instead, the orange-gold of a grand bonfire at the edge of a cliff overlooking some black sea appeared before him. Around the fire were rocks of various sizes. Atop one of these rocks sat a single figure. Kakashi had seen this place before in a dream. When he was still alive. 

“Is that you, Kakashi?” came the familiar gruff voice. Kakashi momentarily froze in his tracks and bowed his head slightly. A habit.

“So this is where you've been…” he muttered to himself as he stepped forward and took a seat beside the figure. He stared into the flickering flames. How was he supposed to react? It had been years. 

“Will you tell me your story?” asked the figure, still facing the fire, but his voice sounded eager with a slight shyness. 

“Sure.” Kakashi glanced at him. “It’s a really long story, so I want to take my time.”

The figure turned his head, his slightly-aged and weary eyes smiling at Kakashi. All illuminated by the comforting flames of the bonfire.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” came the response.

Kakashi then returned the warm smile.

“Well...Father…”

* * *

_ “Year 3, Month 2 _

_ “Holy shit.  _

_ “Why am I even writing this? I literally fucking died. What even is the point? Maybe it’s a letter to myself, but I’m alive now. Kanzeon, Monju, you’re still out there somewhere. I saw Kanzeon walk away in that afterlife plane and not disappear into spirit birds like the others. Were you waiting for me, like Father was? Did you return to this world, wandering somewhere? Did your soul reincarnate? Have you forgotten everything already? I sure hope not. You deserve to rest.  _

_ “You stood there and then turned your backs on me and left me. Are you mad at me for failing the both of you? I was able to see Obito and Rin and Minato-sensei as clear as day in front of me, but you two were almost silhouettes, barely illuminated by that heavenly light. Is this resentment? Or did you know the others were waiting for me and let me go? _

_ “The village was completely destroyed due to an attack from Pain of the Akatsuki. Don't worry, Naruto handled it. Just look for the Hokage Rock if you’re still here. I probably won’t be able to write for a  _ _ very _ _ long time. Until next time. _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

_ “Year 3, Month 2 _

_ “Fuck. Yeah, I really won’t be writing for a while after this. _

_ “So one of my kids is going down one hell of a path. Well, they all are, but Sasuke’s going down a path that’s hard to follow. _

_ “ _ Sandaime,  _ is this what you felt with Orochimaru? _

_ “Weird to be writing anything related to the Hokage. I was almost made  _ Rokudaime.  _ Isn’t that weird? Me, of all fucking people. _

_ “It shouldn’t be me. It should never have been me. It should’ve been Obito. Thank fuck Lady Tsunade woke up. I heard they mentioned Minato-sensei when they first suggested me. And Danzō stepped in. I mean, he didn't have to diss all the Hokage, but I’m almost glad he interrupted. I'm not ready for something like a Kage. I don't think I’ll ever be ready. Can't believe Sasuke actually managed to kill him. I can't believe how far Sasuke has fallen. But a part of me can't stop reaching for him. I’m his sensei, after all. If anybody has failed here, it’s me. Add this to the list. _

_ “Guy and I ran around and through the reconstruction like kids. It was fun. Made me feel like a kid again. A normal kid without things like family esteem and the trauma, of course. I’m grateful for him. And  _ ~~_ Tenz _ ~~ _ Yamato, too, but he’s constantly wearing himself thin with reconstruction. Feels like they're the only friends I have that are my age. Though, Yamato won't drop the -senpai so I’m not sure how much is friendship and how much is filial respect. And sure, Guy’s challenges can get annoying but they're fun. I’ll never decline a challenge. Especially during a time like this. They feel so cathartic.  _

_ “Plus, who am I to deny a sushi-eating contest after a big race? Hitting the bar afterwards was great, too. Funny how we reconstructed bars and pubs so early on. _

_ “But a big storm is coming. Lady Tsunade says to prepare for war. Thanks, Uchiha Madara. _

_ “Speaking of the devil, there’s something about him. His ability. It feels familiar. Like mine. I wonder how many Mangekyō Sharingan abilities there are? Ugh, it’s too much for me to even think about. Or him and what he said about Itachi. I want to believe it but at the same time, I don't. I suppose it’s my destiny to always fail an Uchiha friend. I'm getting a headache. I guess it's time to sleep. _

_ “Until next time, and I fucking mean it. Who knows how long it will be? _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

_ “I've seen it all. I've seen the dead being able to do anything. The dead became living once more. Although, I'm not sure I could even call that living since they were forced to do things. But I've really seen it all now. _

_ “I'll begin my 49 letters to Obito now. Maybe he’ll read them, maybe he won’t. Maybe he and Rin will read them together and they’ll laugh. _

_ “I was so afraid of seeing a Gūzō out there. I had no idea what was possible. Maybe it wasn't possible to get Seishi or Monju, but anything could've happened. I heard that Yūgao had to fight a reincarnated Hayate. I don't know if I’d be able to do the same if Kanzeon was out there. Thank fuck she wasn't. Or maybe she was, just facing off with other shinobi.  _

_ “If you were out there, I’d at least have some closure knowing that you died. But I hope you're at peace, wherever you are. I hope your soul was undisturbed, along with your father’s and brother’s. _

_ “Also, Asuma, your kid’s adorable. Sure, she looks a lot like Kurenai, but I see so much of you in her, too. You should be proud of both of them. _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

_ “Oh fuck. I'm actually  _ Rokudaime _ now. I guess I should've seen this coming since I was chosen when Lady Tsunade was in a coma before the whole world started ending. I had to fully take on the position to pardon Sasuke and save this Ice Style woman from being executed, but that's another story for another time. But god dammit there's so much paperwork. Fucking hell. And here I am, doing more paper shit by writing this. _

_ “It’s still an honor, of course. Obito, you passed on your dream to me, so that’s double the responsibility. I will protect and serve this village with my life. I want it to be a place for the young ones to raise their own and do their own stupid little things without fear. It’s my home, and more importantly, it’s their home.  _

_ “So, I guess this is goodbye for now. I really don’t know when I’ll be able to write more letters since I’m already swamped with work. In the meantime, I think I’ll add my own pictures. I wonder if there’s paper tape around. I hope I can make all of you proud. _

_ “I'm going to head to the Memorial Stone. I just had an idea.” _

_ “Love always, Kakashi” _

* * *

A picture of Minato and his team. In small strips of paper tape in Kakashi’s slightly rushed handwriting:

_ “Namikaze Minato, 20 _

_ “Uchiha Obito, 13” _

_ “Nohara Rin, 12” _

_ “Hatake Kakashi (me), 10” _

A picture of Team Kakashi when it was just Team 7. 

_ “Me, 26” _

_ “Uchiha Sasuke, 12” _

_ “Haruno Sakura, 12” _

_ “Uzumaki Naruto, 12” _

A picture of Team 7, minus Sasuke. Kakashi donned a long-sleeved white  _ haori,  _ the Hokage hat, and a white scarf — an outfit much like the Third Hokage, minus the red kimono underneath. The words  _ “Being Made Hokage”  _ were scribbled onto a strip of paper tape along the top edge. 

_ “Me, 31” _

_ “Yamato, 27” _

_ “Naruto, 17” _

_ “Sakura, 18” _

_ “Sasuke (in prison), 18” _

_ “Sai, 17” _

At the bottom of the page, Kakashi had written,  _ “This is your dream, Obito. This is your shadow, Minato-sensei. Let me live up to your standards.” _

* * *

_ “These kids…I’m guessing Naruto’s upset because I didn't take him along with that mission. He’s been spreading rumors that I’m with Kahyō, the Ice Style woman I saved from execution. And, I guess, from her own problems too. She’s the warden of Hōzuki Castle, and Shikamaru tells me that things are going well there. I was trying to read a letter from her, probably an update, but I kept getting interrupted. Including that rumor. Even Shikamaru told me to get her a gift.  _

_ “Other things happened, and now I’m trying to find a way out of treating these kids to ramen. _

_ “Don't get me wrong, she was pretty. And I listened to her story and gave her a second chance. She’s at peace now, but I’m the Hokage. She’s unfortunately a criminal and has killed innocent civilians. I mean, I’m not one to judge, but as the Hokage, I have to care about my reputation a little more for the sake of the village.  _

_ “Besides. I don't know if I’ll be able to enter a relationship. Mentally and emotionally. I've been rereading this letters to the dead and seeing the pictures and sketches. It doesn't hurt but it still gives me this empty feeling in my chest. Kanzeon, what happened to you? In the afterlife, purgatory plane, I saw you. But you were the only one who didn't turn into a little blue bird. You simply walked into the horizon.  _

_ “Lady Tsunade never closed the case on you and your team. The mission was thrown out once that body of her real guest was discovered in the old Hokage Residence. Weird to think about how much things have changed. Lady Tsunade informed the others’ families about the situation, and they're basically treating their loved ones as dead, despite her refusal to close it. I can't bring myself to close it either.  _

_ “Maybe I'm just being too naïve. I'm getting old, and I should've been settling down family-wise way before all this crazy shit happened. But when will I ever have time to date as the Hokage? What do I even have to offer other than my happy-go-lucky, sunshine and rainbows, perfectly normal life and ~special~ books? Being a bachelor doesn't sound so bad. I remember hearing Shikamaru talk about Shikaku. Maybe I shouldn't continue that thought. It's just going to make me sad. _

_ “Anyways, maybe the bachelor’s life is the one for me. As long as the people I care about are happy, then so am I. Although, I’m not going to lie. Having a partner is fun. Despite all that my hands do for me, it gets lonely sometimes. So much for rules and prohibitions. Maybe Master Jiraiya was onto something. _

_ “Ha. Love always, Kakashi”  _


	14. Scattered Petals in the Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exdt3upYpqA&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=14&t=0s&ab_channel=MartinGarrix  
> sorry for all the mainstream songs haha i just feel like this song fits this secondary ship in this particular story!

Kakashi placed _Letters to the Dead_ on his desk in front of him. He opened to the next blank page and laid the book flat against the surface of the table. He grabbed a tape dispenser and pulled open a drawer of his desk. He then grabbed a small stack of photographs from Naruto and Hinata’s wedding. The first was a picture of him with the lucky bride and groom. Another was of him, Iruka, and the couple. A formal team picture with him, the couple, Yamato, Sai, and Sakura. A picture of the couple with him and Tsunade. A picture of the couple with him and Guy. A picture with all the Konoha attendees and another picture with everyone who came with the couple front and center. He began to tape the photographs into the book. He only used one piece of paper tape on the first picture to write: _“The Perfect Day for a Wedding.”_

He then flipped through his latest handiwork. As his eyes fell upon the smiling, glowing faces, he found that the corners of his lips already stretched back in a soft, gentle smile. 

_‘Kids grow up so fast…’_ he said to himself. He then closed the book and placed it in a drawer before returning to his work. 

A knock at the door caused Kakashi to lift his head. Before Kakashi could say anything, it opened, and in fame Shizune.

“Lord Kakashi — ” she began, but he cut her off.

“I told you, there's no need to be formal.”

“Right. Sorry.” Shizune then bowed at the waist. Kakashi sighed. She really didn't have to do all this, considering the nature of their relationship.

Or maybe it was because she was embarrassed? Trying to act like what they had didn't exist until they had their heated moments of passion? 

He couldn't blame her; it _was_ supposed to be a one-time thing. And then it became a many-time thing. He just wished he knew what Shizune was actually thinking. Did she want more from him? Less from him? Should they talk about it? After all, Naruto and Hinata’s wedding was barely a week ago. Love was in the air, but Kakashi wasn't sure if he should breathe it in. And he didn't know if Shizune had done so already. 

“What is it?” he asked her, making his voice calm and light. He hoped he didn't come off as impatient. 

“Just an update on Naruto and Hinata. I've received word that they're heading back from their honeymoon now.”

Kakashi noticed that she never once looked him in the eye while delivering that report. 

“Well, that’s a relief. Thank you. You should go home and get some rest. It's late,” he said to her. He then stood up from his chair, opening the drawer, grabbing _Letters to the Dead,_ and closing the drawer in one swift motion. “In fact, I think I’ll call it a day myself. I'll see you tomorrow.”

He tried to give her a little smile, but it only showed through his eyes. He hoped that was enough. As he walked past her, he felt her hand grab his forearm.

“Wait!” she exclaimed. 

Kakashi froze in place. He glanced to the side to look her in the eyes. 

“Oh? What is it?” he asked.

Slowly but surely, Shizune released her grip on his arm. Kakashi put his hands and _Letters to the Dead_ in his pockets and turned his body to face her. She still stood in place, head tilted down to the floor. He took a moment to examine her body. Hands at her sides, clenched into fists. Her face all scrunched up as if she were in agony. 

“Shizune, is everything alri — ”

“We should get married!” she blurted.

Kakashi raised his brows, his eyes naturally widening. He leaned his head back slightly, as if her words physically struck him. 

“What makes you say that?” Kakashi asked. Judging by the look on her face and her body language, this didn’t feel like a confession. It looked as though she were forced into saying this. 

“Forgive me, Kakashi, but we’re getting old! People younger than us are getting married and starting families and — ”

“Whoa, slow down.” Kakashi placed his hands on her shoulders. “Breathe for me, please. This doesn’t sound like you at all. Tell what’s going on, really.”

She kept her head down, but Kakashi saw her bring the back of her hand to her eyes to wipe away the tears.

“I’m happy for Naruto and Hinata, truly. I talked to Kurenai about this when I was drunk, a long time ago, before Asuma…” She then covered her mouth. Kakashi didn’t say a word. He let one of his hands fall to his side, keeping the other on her shoulder. “I just want to find happiness with someone! What kind of woman am I if I haven’t even found a husband!?”

She shoved off Kakashi’s hand from her shoulder, only to bring her face into her hands. 

“Hey, hey…” Kakashi said softly. His hand moved to grab her upper arm, but he thought against it since she already brushed him off. “You shouldn’t place your self-worth in someone else. You’re more than just someone who needs to be married off. There are plenty of incredible women who haven’t married. Like Lady Tsunade or Lady Mei. Them being single doesn’t make them any less of a woman. And the same goes for you. Without you, I wouldn’t know what I’d do with all this work. You’re a hard worker and dedicated, and I admire you for that. You don’t know how much you’ve helped this village. Never forget that.”

Silence fell between them. Kakashi didn’t know what else to say to comfort her. He couldn’t blame her for losing her cool, though. Even during peaceful times, she still worked extremely hard. Kakashi tried his best to not rely on her and give her as little work as possible, but it seemed that she was happy to help. And he didn’t blame her for feeling pressured to find a husband. After all, Naruto and Hinata’s wedding was still fresh in everyone’s mind. In fact, many of his former students were finding partners. And there was his friends-with-benefits status with her. It was a miracle she was able to keep to herself for so long. Her letting it all out now was for the better.

“Tell me, Kakashi...” she said weakly before looking him in the eyes and practically yelling at him. “Just tell me if you love me or not! Be honest with me! After everything you’ve said and done, I don’t know what to think anymore!”

Kakashi opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He realized the magnitude of his personal mistakes for the past couple of years. And he was disgusted with himself. He thought he dedicated all his work to be the Hokage, to only think of the village and make it better for everyone. But his dedication drained him of everything else.

The harsh reality was that he used her. And even though he constantly asked if she was okay with what they were doing, he never stopped to think that there were more feelings behind it on her part. They were under constant stress and fatigue but always together. Often alone on nights in the office like this. The room was their escape to each other, but it was conditional. They agreed that whatever happened in the office stayed there. To the village and whole world, he was the Hokage and she was the well-versed assistant — nothing more, nothing less. To him, she was someone that filled the void of loneliness. But it became clear to him that to her, he was much more.

He was such a fool for being so selfish. He had to own up his mistakes. If she hated him, he wouldn’t blame her. If he was an outsider weighing in, he’d hate himself. 

“I’m sorry, Shizune…” he whispered, breaking his gaze with her red, watering eyes. He closed his eyes. He forced himself to put some strength in his next words. “I don’t love you.” 

He couldn’t bear to open his eyes. He knew he’d be staring into a brokenhearted, devastated face. He didn’t love her, true, but she was still an important person to him. 

“I see…” came the soft response. Kakashi hesitated to open his eyes since he braced himself for the worst, but he opened his right eye. It reminded him of when he still had the Sharingan. 

When he saw that Shizune had calmed down (somewhat) and still looked down to the ground, he opened the other eye.

“I hope you can forgive me,” Kakashi told her. “You probably hate me — ”

“No, no!” Shizune finally looked up, her flushed face turning into one of surprise. “I don’t hate you. In fact, I want to thank you. For our...times together.”

She then looked away, but Kakashi noticed the little smile and the growing blush on her face.

“Even if you don’t love me, you made me feel loved. So...thank you, Kakashi.”

She then leaned forward, her arms wrapping around him and her head leaning against his chest. Stunned, Kakashi slowly rested a hand on her back. He didn’t expect this kind of reaction after that outburst, but he sure was grateful for it.

“I guess we should stop...doing things in the office,” she said, half-murmuring into his chest. “This is the end, eh?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi responded. 

Shizune broke the embrace and stepped back a pace.

“You should go now. I still have a couple things to finish.”

“Ah, sure. Good night, Shizune.”

Kakashi then headed for the door. Right as he opened it and was about to step out, she called to him again. 

“I was just wondering!” came her exclamation. 

Kakashi looked over his shoulder. He raised a brow inquisitively, but his forehead protector hid much of the action.

“Judging by your... _experience,_ there must’ve been someone you loved before, right?” 

A face flashed in his mind. A fair-skinned face with long, raven hair and soft pink lips and a pair of round glasses. Glasses that still sat in his weapons pouch at his back. Something felt snug around his forearm near the elbow. He thought maybe it was his sleeve and his free hand moved to adjust it. Instead, he felt the two loops of some string wrapped around his arm. No, not a string. A loop of red silk ribbon. Along his right thigh were the _Letters to the Dead_ in his pocket and a metal brisé fan with a red lucky knot tassel in his holster. These four objects once belonged to the woman he saw in his mind. The woman he loved. The woman he lost.

Kakashi realized that he had broken his gaze with Shizune, who was awaiting his answer.

“Ah,” he gave a confirming grunt. “Yeah, there was someone like that. But you know my luck. She’s dead now.”

He could see her eyes widen upon hearing the tragic response. He knew his words only begged more questions, but he also knew that she wouldn’t press it any further. With that, he walked through the door frame, allowing it to swing shut behind him. 

As he walked out into the street, he pulled out the _Letters_ book and flipped to the page with the photograph of two smiling, squinting siblings throwing up peace signs for the camera. He read the familiar strips of paper tape: _“me, 15”_ and _“Monju, 20”_. 

That gnawing, haunting feeling returned. About a year after this picture was taken, Monju would be killed in action. And less than ten years after that, Kanzeon would also die but under mysterious circumstances. But here they were, on this page, smiling as if the worst thing in the world was getting caught for taking this picture on their own and without permission. Smiling as if they didn’t lose their mother at early ages due to the Second Shinobi World War. Smiling as if their father didn’t give his life to protect their village while they were serving in the Third Shinobi World War. Smiling as if Monju wasn’t recruited into the Anbu. Smiling as if Kanzeon didn’t lose her sensei and her childhood friends and teammates when the Nine-Tails attacked. Smiling because they had each other. 

Kakashi found himself smiling again. He closed the book and put it back into his pocket. He figured it was still early enough to visit Guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> speaking of Kakashi x Shizune, I think they could've made a good canon couple! Shizune in general deserved better imo lmk what you think!


	15. The Glass Coffin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another song by kakashi's va !!! : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtGQc4tHYFE&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=15  
> translation: "Love is the light of an hourglass"

In his dream, everything was dark. He couldn’t see a thing, and he questioned if he was actually dreaming or just closing his eyes. He couldn’t move a muscle. But he could hear.

A hollow howling as a breeze blew by. He didn’t know where he was. A hallway? A cave? 

Footsteps. Slow and almost imperceptible, but as time dragged on, they grew louder. Mumbles and whispers. He couldn’t discern how many people were approaching. The sound of door handles turning and doors opening. Distant shouting. So this place was being checked. Was he about to be discovered? The footsteps drew nearer and the voices became cleared.

_ “Clear here!” _

_ “Clear here, too!” _

A much softer conversation between two men ensued. If he had to guess, Kakashi imagined himself inside a room and they were right outside the door, wherever it was.

_ “I can’t believe we let a place like this get built right under our noses!” _

_ “We’re not the only ones. Apparently hideouts like these are all over the world.” _

_ “What even  _ was  _ this place? There’s all sorts of equipment everywhere!” _

_ “Laboratories for all sorts of experiments. Usually on other people.” _

_ “Holy shit…and you’re telling me the Sixth Hokage is letting him off easy? First, Uchiha Sasuke’s release, and now — ” _

_ “We shouldn’t judge. In the end, without them, we’d all be dead. Besides, we’re here to make sure there’s no stragglers or vagabonds in here before we demolish this place.” _

_ “I suppose so. And I’m glad we’re building over this place. Gives me the creeps.” _

_ “Then hurry up and check this last door. I’ll get the other side.” _

_ “Understood.” _

Kakashi tried to move. Stand up or roll over,  _ anything.  _ He didn’t know if he was meant to be kept hidden, but it was futile. He heard the twisting of the door handle echo all around him and the rush of air as the door opened.

_ “Holy shit!”  _ A rush of footsteps and the voice came again, but distant. Kakashi imagined this guy running out the door and talking to his comrade.  _ “There’s someone in there! I don’t know if they’re dead or asleep!” _

_ “Could be a trap. Keep your guard up.” _

_ “Got it.” _

A quiet filled the air, and Kakashi detected their muted footsteps. If he strained his ears, he could even hear them to tame their rapid breaths. He tried to open his eyes but everything remained dark. He couldn’t even get his fingers to twitch. It was as if he were encased in something. Or maybe his eyes were forced shut by something or someone. 

_ “What the — ?!”  _ cried one of the men. What happened? Kakashi didn’t feel anything or hear anything.

_ “What kind of barrier ninjutsu is this? Hey! Wake up! Can you hear me?!” _

_ ‘Yes! Yes I can!’  _ Kakashi wanted to reply, but he was completely paralyzed.

_ “It’s no use. But judging from the clothes, she’s definitely a shinobi. But that jacket is out of date. She’s been here for a while, definitely before the war — oh, shit.” _

_ ‘She?’  _ Kakashi noted.

_ “What? What is it?” _

_ “Look at the headband. At least we know where she's from now. Get backup. We need to report this and get her out of here.” _

A thousand questions swirled in Kakashi’s head. What kind of strange dream was this? Before long, the two men left the room. Kakashi could no longer hear a thing, save for the breeze howling. He blinked himself awake, realizing he had fallen asleep on Guy’s couch. He sat up and looked around the place to recapture his bearings after that bizarre dream. 

Kakashi glanced out a window, seeing the eastern horizon splashed in a golden orange with a rich, navy blue behind it. 

_ ‘Ah, shit…!’  _

Kakashi threw off the blanket (that he could’ve sworn he didn’t have when he fell asleep) and dashed to Guy’s bedroom door. He knocked a few times with the lowest joints of his curled index and middle fingers and waited a couple seconds before opening the door. 

_ ‘Fucking dammit…’ _

The room was empty. No sign of Guy or his wheelchair. Kakashi closed his eyes and let out a long exhale through his nose. He scratched the back of his head. It was Guy, after all. He shouldn’t have expected anything less.

Kakashi grabbed his flak jacket off the edge of the couch and his gloves, forehead protector, and weapons pouches from the coffee table and walked out the door. He had a feeling he knew where Guy was at this hour.

* * *

Kotetsu stared long and hard at the cards in Izumo’s hand.

_ ‘ _ Babanuki... _ can’t get the  _ babanuki…’ __

“Just pick a card!” Izumo sighed. 

“Shh! I’ll take all the time I want! Besides, gate duty has been quite these past week. It’s no big deal! Ha!” He picked one of the cards Izumo held. 4 of diamonds. Yes! He paired it with his 4 of hearts and set the pair down among his stacks of discarded cards. He then held out his cards to Izumo. “Hey, you know I was wondering. Shizune’s been acting a little different for the past three days, don’t you think?”

“Didn’t you ever learn as a kid that it’s not polite to talk about other people behind their backs?” Izumo grumbled as he quickly snatched one of Kotestu’s cards. 10 of clubs. He paired it with his 10 of diamonds and held up his cards again. He tried not to look at the mocking joker, the  _ babanuki.  _

“I heard that Lord Kakashi and Shizune might have had a few flings when nobody else is around,” Kotetsu continued, leaning forward to look at the back of Izumo’s hand. 

“Kakashi and Shizune?” Izumo echoed. “Can’t say I’m not surprised. They’re our age and together a lot. Makes sense.”

“I’m guessing he was the one who called things off. Usually the person who ends it is the one who is fine afterwards.”

“But Kakashi has always been calm and cool. Maybe they just couldn’t be together and she had to end it, even if it hurt.”

“Oh, man! Now  _ that  _ sounds like a story you’d read about!”

“Just hurry up and pick a card! No use talking about it now. It’s none of our business anyways. They clearly want to keep it a secret since neither of them have come forward. We shouldn’t be spreading shit like that around.”

“Eh, you’re right.” Kotetsu said as his fingers hovered over Izumo’s cards. “But don’t you think it’s crazy that Kakashi,  _ Rokudaime  _ himself, broke the three prohibitions?”

“We all break the shinobi rules and prohibitions,” Izumo said through gritted teeth. He so wanted to scream at Kotetsu to just pick a damn card. “Shinobi are supposed to be tools, but in the end, we’re human.”

“Man, you sound smart there.” Kotetsu grabbed one of Izumo’s cards with his index finger and thumb. Fortunately for Izumo, it was the  _ babanuki,  _ the joker card. 

When he flipped the card, he practically slammed his head into the tabletop and Izumo let out a hearty laugh. Kotetsu then proceeded to place the joker among his cards and shuffled his hand several times. Suddenly, the two men detected a large presence from beyond the gate. They both turned their heads to see a group of shinobi from Shimogakure and a couple of Konoha shinobi. The Shimo shinobi seemed to be carrying something.

“Oi, Gyō! What’s going on?” shouted Kotetsu.

“Do you recognize her?” asked the Hyūga Barrier Interception team member, pointing to the thing —  _ person  _ — being carried by the Shimo-nin. 

The two jōnin then looked down. Most striking was the old flak jacket this unnamed kunoichi wore. Definitely from before the war. She looked familiar, but her name escaped them. 

“I do, but…I can’t quite put my finger on it,” Izumo responded.

“I’ve definitely seen her around before!” Kotetsu added. “What’s going on, Gyō?”

“I feel the same way, but there’s something strange about her chakra. My Byakūgan showed that most of her chakra is being sent outside her body, forming a barrier like a second skin. The Shimo-nin tell me this barrier is indestructible, and no jutsu can dispel it,” Gyō reported. “She’s alive as far as I can tell, but we need to take her to the hospital and report this to Lord Hokage.”

“Shouldn’t you take her to the Hokage first?” asked a Shimo-nin.

“She’s unconscious!” Gyō turned and exclaimed. “Who knows what will happen if we leave her untreated?”

“Alright, alright, calm down,” Izumo urged. “Gyō, go to the hospital. If it gets too bad, I know Sakura and Lady Tsunade are still in town. I’ll come with you, and we can report to Lord Kakashi after she’s been admitted.”

“Hey, no fair! I want to come, too! Besides, our shift’s almost up!” Kotetsu interjected. “If I think about it hard enough, I might remember her name!”

“Fine, fine. Let’s go!” Izumo barked, and the group of Shimo and Konoha shinobi cautiously raced to the hospital. 

Izumo cast another glance at the unconscious kunoichi.

_ ‘I’ve seen you before. I definitely have. What is your name…?’ _

* * *

“Sakura!” 

Ino’s voice caused Sakura to turn around. She stood still and watched as Ino ran up to her. Ino bent over, her hands on the tops of her thighs, as she breathed heavily.

“I’ve been looking all over for you!” Ino exclaimed between gasps.

“Is everything alright, Ino?” Sakura asked. “I was just on my way back to the hospital from my lunch break.”

“Some lunch break!” Ino stood up straight, putting her hands on her hips. “Anyways, you need to head back  _ right now _ . There’s a patient, and I think only you can help her. I’ll fill you in on the way, come on!”

“Oka — whoa!” 

Ino had grabbed Sakura’s hand, and the two young women were now racing through the streets.

“So tell me about the patient,” Sakura demanded amicably. 

“I don’t know much myself. All I know is that the Barrier Team sensed a group of shinobi from Shimogakure carrying an unconscious young woman wearing the old jōnin uniform. Like the ones we wore in the war. And she had on a Konoha forehead protector. They were led to the hospital, but nobody could treat her.”

“What? Why?” Sakura was incredulous. Surely somebody should have tried!

“There’s some kind of barrier ninjutsu surrounding her body. We can move her around, but we can’t actually touch her. There’s nothing that can release or break it!”

“So why did you get me? I don’t know much about barrier ninjutsu. In fact,  _ you  _ should be the one there.”

“Well, why do you think I’m here? I’ve already tried!  _ You’re _ the one with the Strength of a Hundred, so you might be able to break the barrier by force!”

“I might also  _ kill  _ her!”

“That barrier is  _ strong.  _ You’ll see. Besides, you’re our best medical-nin! If anyone can help her, it’s you. Plus, there’s something about her that feels familiar. Everybody is saying it, but nobody can actually remember her name. Just see for yourself!”

Once at the hospital, Sakura followed Ino to this mysterious patient’s room. Outside sat Kotetsu, Izumo, and Gyō as nurses eagerly rushed the two young kunoichi in. 

“What’s her vitals?” Sakura asked.

“We’re sorry, Miss Sakura. We couldn’t get any readings because of the chakra barrier around her,” responded a nurse. “We don’t even know if she’s alive.”

“She  _ is  _ alive!” Gyō exclaimed, standing up. Kotetsu and Izumo stood up to grab his shoulders, placing him down. “Her chakra is constantly being sent outside her body to form the barrier. I can see it!”

“Still, we have no idea how long she can maintain it!” snapped another nurse. 

“Alright, alright, calm down, everyone!” Sakura ordered. “Clear the room. I’ll break that barrier.”

Sakura clenched and unclenched her fist repeatedly and took a couple of deep breaths before opening the door and entering the room. In front of her was this unknown kunoichi laying on the bed. She mentally confirmed everything Ino had said. The old flak jacket, the forehead protector...it all checked out. Sakura held her hands against the visible chakra barrier, inspecting it and the young woman underneath. Long, black hair. Pale, golden-toned skin. Full pink lips. She was pretty, Sakura admitted. But something nagged at the back of her mind. This face...she had seen this woman before. But when? And where?

Was it a genjutsu? No, Gyō’s Byakugan would have seen through it. So how did Sakura know this woman?

Using her frustration as fuel, Sakura raised her fist and aimed a unaided punch directly at the woman’s stomach. The hospital bed collapsed under the sheer force of the impact, but the barrier was completely intact. Sakura knelt down to inspect the woman, loosening her fist and shaking it at the wrist. She didn’t even use much of her full strength nor did she use chakra to enhance it, but she realized that she was truly underestimating the strength of this barrier. She needed to take this outside, away from everyone. 

She then turned around and slid open the door.

“We need to move the patient outside. Somewhere clear and far,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am!” came the group response.

* * *

Deep in the crater of cracked earth, Sakura delivered more punches to the bits of earth surrounding the woman. She threw these punches in order to free the woman, who had been embedded into the ground itself under Sakura’s hit. She picked up or kicked large chunks of rock and dirt, revealing the pale green chakra. Perfectly intact.

_ ‘Impossible…’  _ Sakura’s eyes widened. 

As she bent down to pick up the woman, she realized that perhaps Tsunade could help! Surely she was still in town.

_ “Anything, Sakura?!”  _ Kotetsu shouted from the top edge of the crater.

“No!” she responded. “Get Lady Tsunade! We’re going to need her help!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“No need to get me, I’m already here.”

Sakura quickly turned around to see her former master and teacher stand at the opposite side of the crater. Sakura could see Tsunade’s arms folded over her chest.

“Master!” Sakura gasped.

“What’s going on here?!” Tsunade barked. “I thought you were treating a patient, not trying to kill them!”

The retired Fifth Hokage then jumped from the edge of the crater, landing in a kneeling squat a few meters from Sakura. 

“Master, this patient has this indestructible barrier around them, and we can’t help her until this barrier is released or broken,” Sakura explained.

Sakura noticed the subtle shift in her mentor. She noticed how Tsunade’s eyes widened and her brows furrowed even deeper. She watched as Tsunade rushed to the epicenter of the crater and stood, completely frozen. Sakura watched her master fall to her knees and not gracefully kneel to observe the patient's body. She saw the light blue chakra collect around one of Tsunade’s fist, and before Sakura could even begin to utter that she had already tried, Tsunade let out a guttural battle cry as she brought down her chakra-surrounded fist onto the light green chakra barrier. The earth shook under Sakura’s feet, and massive crevices spread from beneath the barrier, stretching towards Sakura and up along the rest of the crater. The shinobi waiting at the top of the crater ended up sliding down since the ground crumbled beneath their feet. Dry dust filled the air, and Sakura felt some particles sting her eyes, forcing her to squeeze her eyes shut as they watered. 

“Sakura! Lady Tsunade!” came Ino’s cries. 

Sakura wondered about the Shimo-nin. Were they okay? What were they thinking, watching the Konoha-nin scramble around with their delivery?

As the dust began to settle, Sakura realized that Ino and the other shinobi had appeared at her side and behind her, standing in awe or attention. Sakura, wiping her face, followed their gazes. She couldn’t see her master’s silhouette among the dust and chose to run toward the center of the crater blindly. She heard the footsteps of the Konoha and Shimo shinobi behind her. 

As Sakura approached, she could see her mentor’s blonde hair and the deep green of her  _ haori  _ along the bottom half of her vision. Tsunade was kneeling now, and Sakura could see the faint glow of the chakra barrier. As the dust cleared, Sakura realized that one of Tsunade’s hands was behind the mysterious woman’s head (or at least, the part of the barrier at the back of her head) while the other was gently touching the part of the barrier over the woman’s face.

“It can’t be…” Sakura heard Tsunade’s soft, incredulous words. 

“Lady Tsunade!” Gyō exclaimed. “Do you recognize her?”

Before the Hyūga could get any closer, Ino stuck her arm out, trapping him. 

“So Lady Tsunade also knows her,” Ino said to Sakura. 

Suddenly, Tsunade turned her head towards the group of shinobi, her light brown eyes brimming with tears. Now Sakura was truly confused. Who was this woman?

“Get Kakashi,” she ordered. “And tell him that Gūzō Kanzeon is alive.”

_ ‘Gūzō Kanzeon?’  _ Sakura repeated in her head. That name didn’t ring a bell, but apparently it did for Kotetsu, Izumo, and Gyō who gasped, widened their eyes, and dropped their jaws.

Sakura glanced to Ino, who only shrugged in response. 

“Go!” Tsunade barked, causing the tears welling up in her eyes to slowly trickle down her face. “Ino! Sakura! Help me take her back to the hospital! Izumo, Kotetsu, Gyō! Tell Kakashi  _ now!”  _

All five of the Konoha-nin present immediately stood with their backs straight and replied in perfect unison, “Yes, ma’am!”


	16. Sleeping Beauty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song of the chapter: https://youtu.be/JJ1RQpKgW3U (The eternal vow I made against God's wish by Kazuhiko Inoue)

Kakashi looked up from his paperwork when he heard the distant thundering despite the clear blue sky. He even dared to think that the earth shook a little as well.

“That’s the second one today!” Shizune stood at the window and looked out. “Is it an attack?”

“If it was, I’m sure somebody would’ve come to report it by now. Besides, the village still seems pretty calm.”

“Hmm, I guess so…” Shizune gave one last glance out the window before turning back to Kakashi. “Should I send someone to go check, just to make sure?”

“You make it sound like you  _ want  _ it to be an attack,” Kakashi commented amusingly as he placed the paper he signed off onto his “finished” stack. 

“Ah! No, no! That’s not what I mean! I just think it’s weird for there to be thunder on a day like this. Oh!”

Kakashi then looked at Shizune when he heard her sharp exclamation, watching her lean closer to the glass of the window. 

“Look! Is that smoke?” She pointed.

Kakashi stood up and looked out the other window. Smoke? No, the color was too tan for it to be smoke. But it did have the shape of an explosion. In the distance, he could see some people in the streets gazing around, but he sensed no panic. No screaming. Nothing. 

It was a relief that the village didn’t jump at every slight noise, considering everything everyone had been through. To hear a loud noise or feel something in the ground and still carry on with the day must mean he was doing something right... _right?_

“Lord Kakashi?” Shizune’s voice snapped him back to reality.

“Is there anyone available?” Kakashi asked Shizune.

“I can check and send someone right away, sir!”

“Alright. Go.”

“Yes, sir.” Shizune gave a little bow before running to the door. Right as she opened the door, a group of men burst in. 

Kakashi recognized three of them as Gyō, Kotetsu, and Izumo from the Barrier Team. The rest, Kakashi had never seen before, but he noticed the symbol on their forehead protectors: Shimogakure. 

“Lord Kakashi!” Gyō exclaimed. “Lady Tsunade wanted us to deliver you an urgent message.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi noticed Shizune’s head perk up. He then shifted his focus to make eye contact with her, telling her to stay to hear this. She gave a nod of her head, leaned forward to close the door, and stood at the back of the office.

“Tell me,” he said as he placed one hand on his hip and the other against the top of his desk, leaning forward.

“She said to come to the hospit — ” Gyō began.

“Kanzeon is alive!” Kotetsu pushed Gyō aside and shouted.

“What?” Kakashi stood up straight as if lightning jolted his spine. Every hair on his body stood on end. “What did you just say?”

“Gūzō Kanzeon is alive and at the hospital, sir!” Izumo reiterated more formally, but there was the excitement of relief coating his words.

Kakashi felt dizzy. The entire world spun. He had to lean forward onto his desk with both arms in order to remain standing. Impossible. There was no way. How long had it been? 

“Lord Kakashi!” It felt as though everyone in the room shouted, and his ears rang at how loud their voices were but at the same time, their cries were muffled. 

He was thirty-four now, twenty-seven then. Seven. Seven years. Seven whole, long years. The world changed since then. He changed. He thought the past was done with crawling up from the ground and grabbing his ankles and throwing him for a loop. He thought it was his fate and the nature of his life to experience loss and that there was no going back. But clearly, he was wrong. Again.

His pockets and left arm grew warm. The undeniable reminder that she was gone. But she wasn’t. Here they were, telling him she was alive. What happened?

He mustered the strength to lift his head and look at them.

“Take me there,” he ordered. It felt like he was begging.

_ ‘Please. Let it be true. Let me see her again.’ _

“Yes, sir!”

* * *

_ Seventeen-year-old Kakashi and eighteen-year-old Guy sat cross-legged beside the twenty-year-old Monju in complete silence. Sounds of the forest passed through their ears. The grass and the dirt beneath them held them up.  _

‘Nine in…nine out...ten in... ten out…’ 

_ And as if on cue, he heard Kanzeon call as she ran from the beaten path towards them. _

_ “Hey! There you guys are! I brought lunch!”  _

_ “Dammit!” Guy exclaimed. “I was on my ninth breath, too! Guess that means I better do twenty next time!” _

_ “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t think you guys would be meditating in the middle of the day like this!” Kanzeon covered her mouth with her fingertips. “Still, it’s not good to meditate on an empty stomach! I made  _ onigiri!”  _ She then held up a basket in her hand. “I have four kinds, two of each, so pick wisely! There’s salmon, saury,  _ katsuobushi,  _ and  _ kombu!  _ I topped the  _ kombu  _ with shredded laver and the  _ katsuobushi  _ with extra flakes. I couldn’t find anything else for the salmon and saury, so I just brought some  _ furikake  _ after you guys pick your  _ onigiri.”

_ “Yes! I love the giant Gūzō  _ onigiri!”  _ Guy jumped up. _

_ Kakashi had to admit, the way Monju and Kanzeon made their rice balls made him feel like he had a whole bowl of rice and filling rather than a handheld, convenient bundle. Still, Kakashi didn’t mind that. After all, Kanzeon was the only one around who made saury  _ onigiri _ , and he was a sucker for salt-broiled saury. A few weeks ago, Kanzeon began making  _ onigiri  _ with saury after he answered Monju’s — ever the gastronaut — question of his favorite foods.  _

_ Once everyone had two rice balls each, Kakashi and Guy clapped their hands together and said (Guy, loudly and Kakashi, his usual near-mutter),  _ “Itadakimasu!”

_ As Guy began to devour his first  _ onigiri,  _ Kakashi reached for the  _ furikake _ , sprinkled some atop his globe of rice, and passed the little jar to Monju. He then tugged down his past and took his first bite. The perfect amount of rice with every bite to counter the saltiness of the saury with a hint of umami.  _

_ “So, how was the meditation today?” Kanzeon asked between her bites. _

_ “Good,” Monju responded as he took a bite. With a full mouth, he then added, “I think it’s time to teach Kakashi  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu.”

_ Kakashi looked up from his bite and glanced between the two siblings. He watched as Kanzeon’s eyes grew wide, her head turning to momentarily gawk at him and her brother’s decision, then back to Monju.  _

_ “Really? Already?” He heard her hiss. _

_ “Trust me, I’ve been training him in meditation for way longer than you think,” Monju reassured. “I think he’s ready, and with his Sharingan, he can definitely master it in no time.” _

_ “What is  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu _?” Guy asked mid-chew. “If it’s meditation-based, does that mean I can do it?” _

_ “Sorry, Guy,” Monju began. “You only started your meditation training a few months ago. Plus, this is a special ninjutsu from our family. Well, technically our clan, but we don’t know anyone else.” _

_ “But!” Kanzeon immediately interjected. “That doesn’t mean your training has been for nothing! You can always find ways to involve meditation!” _

_ “Yes! That’s right! The Gūzō meditation training always adds to the power of youth!” Guy exclaimed triumphantly. “Thanks to you, I’ve been using running meditation, walking meditation, punching meditation, kicking meditation…” _

_ “How about while they learn their jutsu, I teach you…” Kanzeon leaned forward and whispered loudly,  _ “underwater meditation?”

_ Kakashi had to hide his smile by taking another bite. Underwater meditation? Seriously? _

_ “Underwater meditation!?” Guy shouted. “What is it? Sounds invigorating!” _

_ “Eat up and see! But don’t eat too fast!” _

_ “I’m too excited to eat slow now! Let’s race to the lake right now, Kanzeon!” _

_ “You know I’m a slow runner, Guy,” Kanzeon sighed. “How about this? If I win, you have to do 50 laps around the lake. If you win, I’ll even teach you swimming meditation.” _

_ “Ha! So you accept the challenge? Let’s go, Kanzeon!” Guy said, shoving his other rice ball into his pocket and dashing off while Kanzeon still sat on the grass.  _

_ “Underwater meditation?” Monju echoed with a chuckle. “It sounds like you’re going to drown him.” _

_ “Oh, I’m sure he’ll be fine!” Kanzeon dismissed with a playful tone as she picked up her untouched  _ onigiri  _ and placed it back into her basket. Her voice then turned worrisome. “But are you sure about this? What if it doesn’t work?” _

_ “It’ll work,” Monju reassured. “I've been training Kakashi for about two and half years now. Way longer than just the past year you’ve seen. Plus, we’re going on a mission together tonight. More training then. Besides, if anybody can learn  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu,  _ it’s Copy Ninja Kakashi.” _

_ “So what  _ is  _ this  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu?”  _ Kakashi asked. “I’m guessing it’s related to  _ Seisaikara.”

_ Monju and Kanzeon exchanged cheeky smiles.  _

_ “Go. You may be a slow runner, but even Guy knows you’re not  _ that  _ slow,” Monju urged. _

_ “Fine. Are you taking the  _ furikake  _ for the road?” Kanzeon asked as she stood up. _

_ “Of course. It makes food pills bearable.” Monju chuckled as he pushed his sister’s calf. “Go!” _

_ “Alright, alright! Bye!” Kanzeon then looked over her shoulder at Kakashi, and in that moment, time seemed to slow down. _

_ A warm smile spread across her lips as her hair swayed around her with the turn of her head. A glimmer caught her eyes. The dappled shadows danced over her skin, hair, and white  _ haori.  _ Her hand appeared at the side of her face as she raised it to wave to him. _

_ “See you later, Kakashi! You two, be safe!” She beamed before jogging off. _

_ “We will!” Monju shouted with a hand on the side of his mouth to amplify his voice. He then turned to face his junior. “Now, let’s start. You want to know what  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu  _ is, right?” _

_ Kakashi nodded as he took another bite and gave a confirming grunt. _

_ “Well, I have to explain  _ Seisaikara  _ first,” Monju began. “You know it’s our clan’s  _ kekkei genkai _ , combining Yang Style with a little bit of Yin style. Nothing like the old legend of the Six Paths, of course. I’m actually not really sure how it works exactly. Our dad always taught us that the Yin part comes from the desire to protect and the actual jutsu is Yang. Combining your physical energy with your target’s creates this unbreakable layer of chakra around them. You can use  _ Seisaikara no Jutsu  _ to only create small armor over the heart or around the neck, or you can use the whole thing to cover an entire body. Of course, when that happens the target will fall asleep to ensure maximum efficiency. The stronger you want to protect something, the stronger the  _ Seisaikara _. But before either of us could awaken it, our dad had us undergo a lot of meditation training for our chakra. He used to make us meditate for an hour every day, you know!” _

_ “Yeah, I remember,” Kakashi said dryly through his chewing. Kakashi could never forget. He made the mistake of complaining after only ten minutes of his first ever meditation session with Monju. “But  _ Seisaikara _ ’s your  _ kekkei genkai.  _ How can I do anything related to that?” _

_ “Good question. That’s where  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu  _ comes in. It’s an entirely different method to release  _ Seisaikara _ , and somehow, someone generations ago found out that it could be taught and not just inherited. Which makes sense. If you use a complete-body  _ Seisaikara  _ on yourself, you’re out. And what if no one from your family is around to help you? You’ll be stuck there forever since the desire to protect yourself is automatically top priority. Just how the body works, usually. And who knows how long someone stuck in  _ Seisaikara  _ can last?” _

_ “If it draws from physical energy and chakra, that means eventually you’ll run out of it and die, right?” Kakashi asked. _

_ “You’d think. But according to our dad, there was someone who managed to live to see his great-great-grandchildren after putting himself in  _ Seisaikara,  _ and the only thing that happened was he grew a single gray hair. Something about  _ Seisaikara  _ slows down the body’s processes to maximize the chakra output while also cycling that chakra back inside. So I guess that means maybe something or someone that consumes chakra could break  _ Seisaikara _ , but that usually means the user dies, and you want the user to wake up, right? Also, you should never use medical ninjutsu if someone doesn’t immediately awaken from  _ Seisaikara.  _ Our dad left kind of vague instructions to the Hokage about how to help someone come out of  _ Seisaikara  _ before he died, but nothing on  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu _. Probably because it’s a long and hard process, even for the best medical-nin. But like I said, with your Sharingan and who you are, I think you can learn it. So, you ready?” _

_ Kakashi then pulled up his forehead protector. Despite the warmth of the day, his left eye felt almost cold after being exposed again.  _

_ “Yes, sir!” Kakashi replied.  _

* * *

Kakashi practically threw open the doors of the hospital room and barged right in.

“Kakashi-sensei!” exclaimed Sakura and Ino, who stood up the moment Kakashi burst in. 

But his eyes were on that soft green glow. He could see legs covered in pants that looked to be black in this lightning, a torso covered in the old flak jacket. Tsunade sat in a way that she obstructed Kakashi’s view of the head. The Fifth Hokage then turned her head, remaining silent. Watching Kakashi with pitying, mourning eyes. 

Every step Kakashi took felt like he was marching through mud. His feet were heavy even as he took his long, almost-running strides. Sound warped all around him; Sakura and Ino’s questions felt like they were a mile away despite them being next to him. He could vaguely catch them asking him if he knew who Gūzō Kanzeon was and why they never knew her name and why she looked so familiar and how everybody seemed to recognize her but not know her name until Tsunade came. Kotetsu, Izumo, and Gyō’s voices droned beneath the young women’s high-pitched voices, falling just out of his tunnel-hearing’s processing.

Even Tsunade looked like she was rising from her seat in slow motion, her eyes never leaving Kakashi. But he was trying to look around her. He wanted to see her face. Kanzeon’s face. Had it aged at all? 

He stood just centimeters from the side of the hospital bed, from the glowing shell of life. As he stepped closer, his perspective moved Tsunade to the side and revealed that ever-beautiful pale face with full pink lips and a flat button nose framed by long, raven black hair. The only thing that was missing was her round glasses in his pocket. She looked as though she were asleep. He had seen this bare face so many times. In the silver glow of the moonlight, in the golden rays of the rising sun, in the soft light of candles. After so many years, he never thought he’d see it again. He resisted the urge to lift his hand and bring it to her face. To combat this gnawing desire, he clenched his hands into tight fists.

“Is it really her…?” Kakashi asked, his voice coming out at barely above a whisper.

“You’re the one who should know!” Tsunade began to scold before looking back to Kanzeon, her face and voice softening. “But what do we do? She has no family in Konoha. I know the writings Seishi left behind don’t have much, so the only thing we can do is trace her family’s — ” 

“I can do it,” Kakashi interrupted. 

Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Tsunade’s stunned face as if Kakashi just slapped her across the cheek.

“What?!” she hissed incredulously. “Wait just a moment, I thought — ”

“I can explain everything later. Please, let me do this, Lady Tsunade. I just need everyone to wait outside,” he instructed.

A moment of silence fell upon the entire room as Tsunade just stared at Kakashi with a mix of hope and disbelief and everyone else stared at the two Kage. 

“Alright,” Tsunade agreed quietly before turning her head and barking, “Everyone, out!”

As everyone shuffled out of the room, Kakashi just kept staring at Kanzeon’s peaceful face. This didn’t feel real. Was it even truly her? What if he couldn’t do it? And to top it all off, he had long lost his Sharingan. He learned the special jutsu when he had it, and now it was gone. He lost his prized  _ Raikiri,  _ so what else could fate cruelly snatch from him?

The moment the doors shut behind him, he sank to his knees and pressed his forehead along the part of the chakra barrier where her hand rested. 

He was grateful. While he had finally resolved much of his conflict about his past, this was one problem he never let die. And his second chance had finally come, even when he no longer needed it to save his soul. 

_ “C’mon, stand up!”  _ Monju’s words rang clear in his head. From the day Monju began to teach him the  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu.  _ He could practically see Monju in front of him, stretching out his hand while Kakashi sat in the grass. 

In his memory, Kakashi took Monju’s hand and felt the older Anbu pull him up. In this moment, he forced himself to stand up, one foot at a time. 

_ “Remember.  _ Seisaikara  _ is about protecting someone.  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu  _ is also about protecting someone. It’s the feeling of meeting an old friend, of bringing someone home.” _

Kakashi closed his eyes and drew a deep inhale through his nose and released its corresponding deep exhale out his mouth.  _ Seisaikara,  _ the inhale.  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu,  _ the exhale. 

_ “They’re opposites but work together. Watch carefully. The hand seals for  _ Seisaikara  _ and  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu  _ are the same but in reverse of each other.” _

The One-Thousand Hand Seals, Kakashi recalled. Anyone who ever saw Gūzō Seishi, Gūzō Monju, or Gūzō Kanzeon perform anything  _ Seisaikara- _ related would always mention the bizarre hand seals. They always chanted to  _ “na man da butsu”  _ whenever they did the hand seals. So naturally, Kakashi chanted the reverse, no matter how unorthodox Monju claimed it was.

_ “Tsu.”  _ Kakashi brought his hands together, as if in prayer. He slightly bent his fingers at the knuckles so that his hands weren’t flat against each other.

_ “Bu.”  _ The index fingers of both hands curled to form a circle with his thumbs. His right wrist turned forward to point completely downwards while his left wrist bent over his right, the back of his thumb resting against the back of his right hand. The hand seal that looked like the number “99.”

_ “Da.”  _ His hands flattened out, and he placed the back of his left hand against the palm of his right.

_ “Man.”  _ His ring fingers formed circles with his thumbs. Keeping his wrists together, his left hand pointed up while his right hand pointed straight down.

_ “Na!”  _ Kakashi then clapped his hands together, the sound echoing around the cold, sterile room.  _ “Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu!” _

In that moment he channeled all of his strength and condensed it into his hand, much like his old  _ Raikiri,  _ as well as every memory he had of Kanzeon. Her smile, her tears, her cooking, their trysts at her apartment late at night, their conversations on the balcony in the moonlight or in her living room. Her dark eyes that twinkled with curiosity or joy. Her raven hair that swayed behind her with every move. Her pearlescent teeth that flashed when she smiled or laughed. That fateful night as the rain poured and he discovered the things she left behind. The pain in his heart as he knelt in the mud and sobbed. Almost exactly like the night he couldn’t save Monju. He wished for a third chance then. To be able to save her and keep his promise to Monju, at the very least. To find out what happened. 

The overwhelming desire to hug her tightly in his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay flooded from every muscle, every fiber of his being. 

_ “When someone uses  _ Seisaikara no Jutsu,  _ they channel their chakra into their hand and move it over the area they want to protect. To undo this, you have to move your hand in the opposite direction. But complete  _ Seisaikara,  _ it’s different. We channel our chakra into the tips of our index and middle fingers and then run them over the target's eyes, as if to close them. So, that means you have to move your fingers upwards over the target’s eyes.” _

When Kakashi opened his eyes, he saw chakra surge at the end of his right index and middle fingers. He then bent his ring and pinky fingers to isolate the chakra-aided fingers as he moved his hand over Kanzeon’s chin. His fingers met the chakra barrier like a wall and he gently pushed forward and up towards her forehead, his index finger passing over her right eye and his middle finger, her left. 

For a moment, nothing happened. Panic started to settle and gnaw at his heart until he noticed the glow of the barrier dimming. Kakashi slowly put his hand through the barrier as if he were dipping his hand into water. And it sure felt like water as his hand passed through with little resistance — but still some. A sense of cool, refreshing calmness washed over his entire being, and his hand met her soft cheek for the first time in seven years. Only then did he notice the bruise on her cheekbone, even after all this time in her  _ Seisaikara.  _ Out of a habit forever ingrained in his muscles, he caressed her cheek and the bruise by pivoting the thumb og the hand against her face. 

As the chakra reentered her body, Kakashi focused on her face, waiting for the fluttering of her long eyelashes. He couldn’t resist leaning forward to kiss her forehead, just like he used to. He felt her silken hair under his nose as his lips gently pressed against her forehead.

Just then, the doors burst open.

“Kakashi-sensei!” Sakura exclaimed.

“What was that chakra surge just then?!” Ino demanded.

The young women cut themselves with a gasp as Kakashi’s back shot straight up and he promptly turned around to face the group of shinobi. Sakura’s jaw dropped to the floor and her eyes widened with her eyebrows furrowed down. Ino, on the other hand, had elated eyes and covered her mouth with her hands.

“Ha!” Kotetsu then nudged Izumo with his elbow. “You owe me a hundred ryō now!”

“Shut up! That was almost ten years ago!” Izumo snapped. “Don’t act like you knew! You even admitted you were just joking when you made that bet!”

Kakashi met Tsunade’s eyes. She simply crossed her arms over her chest and smirked. Out of anyone in Konoha, she was the only person who actually figured out the truth about Kakashi and Kanzeon. And while Kakashi felt his face grow hot under his mask, he was relieved that Tsunade knew.

But that relief quickly faded when Sakura, Ino, Kotetsu, Izumo, and Gyō ran up to him with all sorts of questions. Kakashi just scratched the back of his head and chuckled nervously. He cast another glance at Kanzeon, and he swore he saw the faintest of smiles on her lips.

Yet despite everything, at the bottom of his heart, there was still something sinister lurking. When would Kanzeon wake up?  _ Was  _ she ever going to wake up after being in  _ Seisaikara  _ for seven years? 

“I can take over from here, Kakashi,” Tsunade said, stepping up. “If she wakes up, I’ll let you know.”

“Master, shouldn’t we at least try and heal her?” Ino asked.

“No, you might cause more harm than good,” Kakashi answered instead. “It’s part of the jutsu. Don’t worry. I have to head back.”

“Wait! Kakashi-sensei!” Sakura exclaimed as he began to walk past the group..

“Don’t talk about what we’ve seen here today!” Kakashi added abruptly. “We can’t be certain until she wakes up.”

_ “Looks like he’s already certain,”  _ Kotetsu muttered, causing everyone to stifle their giggles. Even Tsunade disguised her smile by putting her hand in front of her mouth and nose and turning her head to the side. 

Kakashi couldn’t even get mad if he tried. He just brushed past them, his face burning under his mask.


	17. Deliberately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another song! sorry but yes, this one also has important lyrics :') https://youtu.be/B8aQ6Iz2a_E

For the next three days, Kakashi began to work from Kanzeon’s hospital room. Anyone submitting a report or receiving missions went to Shizune, who was still at the office. If anything was urgent or needed to be sent to Kakashi, Pakkun was on standby with her. Every so often, Kakashi would glance over at Kanzeon’s resting face, waiting for the moment her eyes opened.

Tsunade and Ino stopped by everyday to join Kakashi, sitting with him beside Kanzeon for a few hours. On the first day, Ino even placed a slim glass vase of red tulips on the bedside table where Kakashi had placed Kanzeon’s chakra-blade fan and her glasses. Throughout the day, Sakura would also swing by when she could. The three women would occasionally ask Kakashi about his past with Kanzeon if they caught him looking up from his work for too long. He’d always answer them quickly with a light chuckle before trying to find some other paperwork to busy himself with. 

He never went back to his apartment. He slept and ate at the hospital, at her side at every waking moment. He placed  _ Letters to the Dead  _ under her pillow mostly for his own sake. He resisted the urge in every fiber of his being to write a letter. Not necessarily to Kanzeon, but for his other loved ones and Kanzeon’s. But he figured they’d be watching from where they were. 

On this third night, the half-moon cast faint silver beams through the window. Kakashi was already done with his work for the day and chose to relax. He gazed to the vital signs monitor. A steady heart rate of sixty beats per minute. An average breathing rate of twelve breaths per minute. He recalled the startlingly low numbers when Sakura first hooked patches and wires to Kanzeon’s skin: about twenty beats and one or two breaths per minute. Hibernation numbers. He was relieved that by the end of that first day, her vital signs reached normal, stable conditions. 

Kakashi rested his elbows on her bed and took her hand. Her skin was so cold on that first day, but the warmth had since returned to them. He didn’t know if it was on her own accord or if he just held her hand so many times that his own body heat transferred to it. 

Still, he pressed the back of her soft hand against his lips, closing his eyes. He then noticed the red hair ribbon poking out from under his rolled up sleeves. Keeping his left hand clasped around hers, he used his right hand to pull the loop of silk over and onto her arm. However, just as he managed to slip one loop onto her wrist and tried to pull the one still on his wrist over, the tension in the ribbon hit its limit. Their hands were tightly bound together by the red silk.

Kakashi let out a sigh, knowing that the tiny knot was pulled too tight for him to pick at. He was too exhausted — both physically and mentally — to even worry about freeing their hands. At this point, he wouldn’t mind if their hands were kept together like this for all time. He rested his head on her pillow, just above her shoulder, and closed his eyes. Sleep pounced upon him like a cat hunting a mouse.

* * *

‘A jōnin-sensei?’  _ Kakashi repeated Lord Hiruzen’s words in his mind.  _ ‘I have to be in charge of kids?’

_ “I think it would be good for you to pass on what you’ve learned. I know you’ve got a lot of that,” the Third Hokage continued, his raspy voice betraying his amusement. Kakashi then noticed the sudden grim shift when Lord Hiruzen added, “And maybe you’ll be able to keep your promise to Monju.” _

‘Fuck.’  _ Kakashi was hoping he wouldn’t notice.  _

_ It had been six years since Monju’s death, and in the past three years since Itachi’s recruitment and quick ascendancy in the Anbu and his final massacre just last year, he hardly saw Kanzeon after a rather devastating argument.  _

_ In fact, it had been about Itachi then. Kanzeon always hated the fact that Monju had been in the Anbu which eventually carried over to Kakashi as well. Monju had a much greater capacity for the special Anbu darkness than Kanzeon, but he never quite fully succumbed to it (as evident by his sole purpose of being an Anbu medic). Kanzeon was also rightfully terrified of losing the people she loved. Monju’s death had been the final straw, and Kanzeon urged Kakashi to leave the Anbu. This urge only increased when eleven-year-old Itachi joined.  _

_ “He is a  _ child _ ,” Kanzeon had emphasized when Kakashi first told her about Itachi. “How could anyone force a child into this?” _

_ “There’s a lot of things you don’t know, Kanzeon,” Kakashi had told her. And it was true. He feared that Kanzeon would lose her loyalty to the village entirely if she knew the secrets of Danzō. “Besides. How is this any different from regular field work? We’re just sworn especially loyal to the Hokage.” _

_ “At least with the regular path, a young shinobi can get used to it all, bit by bit.” _

_ “I went through the regular path,” Kakashi countered. “Genin at five, chūnin at six, jōnin at ten. The things we as shinobi face don’t care about how old you are. It happens anyway.” _

_ “Have you ever considered that maybe — just  _ maybe — _ that was wrong?” Kanzeon pointed out. “As much as we try to emphasize that we shinobi are tools, we’re still human no matter what. Emotions make us who we are, and Kakashi, you’re losing yourself.” _

_ “I’m perfectly fine.” _

_ “No, you’re not. Sometimes, it feels like I don’t even know who you are anymore. Guy sees it, Kurenai sees it, Asuma sees it. Please, Kakashi. Kurenai was right. It is like you’re charging straight for death. This isn’t right. The Anbu isn’t for you.” _

_ “And what do you know about it?!” Kakashi snapped then. “You’re the one who turned it down. Things would be different if we worked side by side. Maybe  _ then  _ you’d have a point.” _

_ “I know myself enough to see that being in the Anbu would destroy me. Just like it’s destroying  _ you _. But you’ve convinced yourself that this is the only way, and it’s  _ not.”  _ Kanzeon grabbed his arm. “There are more ways to help the village and the Hokage. There are more ways to help  _ yourself _.” _

_ Kakashi had brushed her gentle grasp off. Early memories of his father that he repressed started flooding in. Accusations of Kanzeon and Monju’s father having no loyalty, placing his own life above others. It was all a pitiful excuse, a lie they kept telling themselves to hide their true cowardice. Monju was the only one who broke free. He turned to face Kanzeon coldly.  _

_ “You would never understand,” he told her.  _

_ “Maybe I don’t,” Kanzeon said as she stood up. “But I know the people I’ve lost would be proud of what I’m doing.” _

_ Something inside Kakashi snapped. He remembered sitting down one moment and standing up, grabbing Kanzeon by the shoulders the next. He was seeing red, and it wasn’t from his Sharingan.  _

_ “You don’t know  _ anything  _ about what it’s like, being the reason everyone you’ve loved is dead!” he growled in her face. “You will never understand! All you can think about is saving yourself, and nobody should ever be proud to call themselves selfish!” _

_ Kakashi remembered seeing her eyes widen slowly. Not out of fear, but out of a deep sadness and pity. And then it all vanished in an instant. Replaced by the deep furrowing of her brows and a fire in her eyes that he never saw before. He remembered the sudden force of her push. Not enough to knock him over, but enough for him to realize he had said exactly the wrong thing. He watched as she turned her back to him, her arms slowly folding upwards as her shoulders hunched up and her head bowed down. Her self-embrace.  _

_ Kakashi tried to take a step forward, but Kanzeon’s words stopped him in his tracks. _

_ “Get out.” Sharper than any blade he had ever wielded, cutting deeper into his heart more than his  _ Raikiri. 

_ “Kanzeon, I — ” He tried to take her hand, but she threw his hand off and turned to face him with eyes streaming with tears and expression twisting in pain. _

_ “Get out!” she shouted at him.  _

_ And now, three years later, here he was. The Third Hokage telling him that he was too kind and that he was no longer in the Anbu. But Kakashi never thought that the Third Hokage knew about the massive rift between him and Kanzeon. _

_ “She’s quite a fighter, you know. Working night and day, and still coming to tell me to stop you.” The Third Hokage chuckled. “Kakashi, you must see that you do have people who care about you. Guy, Kanzeon, Asuma, Kurenai. You must stop living for the dead and live for, if not yourself, the living. I’m sure you know Seishi’s words by now. Take this opportunity to pass on what you’ve learned.” _

_ “Yes, sir.” _

_ “Go visit your friends. I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear this news. Remember. This is an honor, not a burden.” _

_ Kakashi looked up from his kneeling bow, struck with horror by the implications of  _ Sandaime’ _ s words. Was this a final request, then? _

_ “Why are you looking at me like that? I’m getting old, Kakashi. Far too old. My days of teaching a three-genin team are far behind me, and it seems like it was for the better. I cannot be a sensei anymore, and so, I entrust you to be one.” _

_ Kakashi lowered his head at that. He knew Lord Hiruzen was referring to Orochimaru. Suddenly, he felt a weight on his shoulder. The Third Hokage’s hand was on his shoulder. _

_ “Remember, pass on what you’ve learned. That way, the teachings of those you’ve lost will live on, even after you yourself die,” he reminded before rising, Kakashi following suit. “I am proud of you, Kakashi. You are a third generation student of mine, after all. Greatness is in your blood, your mind, and your heart. I refuse to let it be stained any longer. The students you train will carry on this greatness and add to it, just as you’ve added yourself Now go. Relax. Enjoy the company of your friends. I believe you rightfully deserve it.” _

_ “Yes, sir. I’ll be taking my leave now.” _

_ Lord Hiruzen gave a grunt of approval before Kakashi stepped away. He changed out of his Anbu attire and into the usual jōnin fit of a green flak vest, and dark blue long-sleeved shirt and pants. He tied his forehead protector to cover his eye. With his now-retired Anbu mask in his hand, he chose to swing by Kanzeon’s apartment for the first time in three years. There was a massive weight pressing down on his chest the entire trek there. He forced himself to raise his hand and knock against the door with the proximal joints of his index and middle fingers. He then stood back, putting his knocking hand in his pocket while slightly hiding the mask behind his thigh.  _

_ He stood there for a while, wondering if Kanzeon was working at the hospital, but his ears picked up footsteps on the other side of the door. He heard the ever-familiar clicks as the door unlocked, and the door slowly opened to reveal Kanzeon’s bare face. She had slightly visible dark bags under her eyes, and she was rubbing them with the back of her hand as she opened the door. The inside of the apartment looked completely dark. Oops. _

_ “Sorry, I was asleep,” Kanzeon apologized before she even opened her eyes. “How can I help — ” _

_ She cut herself off with a gasp once she opened her eyes when she saw that it was him who knocked. Her eyes widened, and her lips parted open slightly from the shock. Well, he figured she was definitely awake now. _

_ “Kanze — ” Kakashi began his own apology, but he found himself silenced when Kanzeon’s arms wrapped around his torso, her head burying against his chest and forcing his chin and mouth to be smothered by her raven hair.  _

_ He was stunned, to say the least. He hesitated to return the hug in the event that she picked him up, bent over backwards, and hurled him over her head (which, he admitted, he would have deserved). He then felt the warm patches of tear seep through his shirt, and Kakashi found himself swallowing a painful ball that had risen at the back of his throat. He tilted his head upwards and pressed his cheek against the top of her head, using his free hand to stroke her long hair. His fingers stumbled upon several knots, and he wondered when was the last time she brushed her hair.  _

_ “You were right, Kanzeon,” Kakashi murmured. “I’m sorry.” _

_ “You fucking better be!” Kanzeon said into his chest. She then tilted her head back and up to reveal her smile. “I’m just glad you’re alright.” _

_ Kakashi then pulled away a little to reveal his Anbu mask, holding it out to her. With a soft hitch of her breath, Kanzeon gingerly took it from his hand with both of hers, framing its jaw and cheeks. She then looked up into his eye with an inquisitive expression, the relief growing by the second. _

_ “What does this mean?” she asked him. _

_ “Lord Third relieved me from Anbu duty. I’m a jōnin-sensei now,” Kakashi announced plainly. To be honest, he wasn’t interested in the slightest. _

_ But the jumping hug he received from Kanzeon right as he finished his sentence was enough to make him look forward to it.  _

_ “Finally!  _ Sandaime  _ listened to us!” Kanzeon squealed excitedly as if  _ she  _ were the one becoming a sensei. She then pulled away slightly, the vigor in her voice returning. “You know, he’d find me and make me take a lunch break just to catch me up on the things Guy, Kurenai, and Asuma have said about you!” _

_ “Wait,  _ ‘make you take a lunch break? _ ’” Kakashi echoed in horrified disbelief. “Have you not been eating?” _

_ “Oh, no! I eat! It’s just…I just don’t take very long breaks. Just to eat is all! It works fine for me. Lucky for you, you caught me on my day off.” _

_ “You should take your own advice,” Kakashi said as he stepped into her apartment. “Being in the Anbu and working in the hospital might be the complete opposite, but we’ve been doing the same things to ourselves. Working and wearing ourselves down to the bone.” _

_ “To forget,” Kanzeon continued his train of thought. Her voice was feeble and soft. As if she was afraid. “But…I guess, now that you’re here, we don’t have to do that anymore, right? Because we have each other again?” _

_ Kakashi turned to look at Kanzeon. He noticed a slight flush in her cheeks, even in the darkness and the light of the public hallway casting even more shadows on her face. Beneath his mask, he gently scoffed and smiled as she looked to the floor and clung to the open door. It was adorable.  _

_ He then took a step forward, took her hand, pushed the door shut, and leaned forward, forcing her to press her back against the door. He then pulled down his mask, but before he could move his hand to her chin, she wrapped both her arms around his neck and leaned forward, closing the gaps between the faces and pressing her lips against his.  _

_ They were as soft as ever. _

* * *

Kakashi felt a slight tug on his arm, causing him to jolt awake and sit upright. He then glanced around the room. The lights were off, but the soft golden rays of the morning sun began to peek through the window. Kakashi then looked down at his hand bound with red silk to Kanzeon’s. Their hands were loosely intertwined (Kakashi figured his hand relaxed when he gave way to sleep), but Kakashi also noticed that the ribbon holding their hands together had become slightly looser. Enough for Kakashi to wiggled the loop over his hand and onto Kanzeon’s wrist. The full loop of ribbon then fell down her forearm. 

Kakashi then re-wove his fingers between hers as he looked to the monitor. Nothing changed, which he took as a good thing. Just then, he felt the softest movement in his hand. He quickly looked down to their interlaced hands, wondering if it was just his imagination. He stared at it. Seconds felt like minutes as he watched the pale fingertips hover over his broad knuckles. Was he going mad from sleep deprivation? Was he still dreaming? He must have.

Right as he made the decision to look away, he saw it. The slight twitch of her finger tips. His eyes widened, and his heart began to race. He tilted his head up to gaze upon her calm, sleeping face. He noticed the fleeting flutter of her long eyelashes. And then another. Like a butterfly docked on the surface of a freshly bloomed flower. Her eyes opened at long last to reveal her dark brown eyes, trailing to the side to meet his. He watched as her eyes gently roamed around the room before reconnecting their gazes. 

“You did it…” Kanzeon spoke under her breath. Suddenly, she sat up and threw her arms around Kakashi. “You did it! I knew you could do it!”

Kakashi’s vision blurred as tears glazed over his eyes. His arms wrapped around Kanzeon and held her tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut, allowing a tear to trail down his cheek, and opened them again to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. 

“Do you remember me?” Kakashi asked, his voice trembling.

“Of course I do!” Kanzeon leaned away, her face animated and displayed a comically stunned reaction. 

“Then what’s my name?” Kakashi practically pleaded.

After a little chuckle, Kanzeon replied with a smile, “You’re Hatake Kakashi!”

“Do you remember your name?”

“Was I out for a long time?” Kanzeon asked through a laugh. “I’m Gūzō Kanzeon. Seriously, what’s wrong? I didn’t get knocked out or anything! I just put myself under  _ Seisaikara _ , and I knew you were the one who could — ”

Kanzeon cut herself off with a little gasp when she met his gaze once again. She lifted her right hand and gently traced her fingertips over Kakashi’s scar. 

“It’s gone…” she noted out loud. Kakashi then grabbed her hand and squeezed it. It was almost painful to watch. She didn’t know anything. She had no  _ idea  _ of all the things that happened while she was gone. “What happened?”

“It’s a long story,” Kakashi said with a sigh as he stood up straight. He needed to find a nurse or Sakura and inform them that Kanzeon was awake. “Just hold on. I’ll be right ba — ” 

Kakashi almost missed the sound of the door opening. 

“Kanzeon!” cried Tsunade’s voice behind him.

Kakashi found himself shoved to the foot of the bed as Tsunade ran to Kanzeon and embraced her. 

“Lady Tsunade!” Kanzeon returned the shocked exclamation. “It’s nice to see you! I’m alright, I promise!”

“She’s awake!” Ino cheered merrily, appearing at Kakashi’s other side. 

“Yeah, she just woke up. I was just about to get someone.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Sakura standing at the door. She had a slightly surprised expression on her face as she seemed to be observing the situation. 

“Ino? Sakura?” Kanzeon asked as Tsunade pulled away. “You’ve grown so much!”

“Of course they have! Do you have any idea how long you’ve been gone!?” Tsunade exclaimed. Before Kanzeon had a chance to guess, Tsunade shouted, “Seven! Seven years!”

“Seven... _ years _ …?” Kanzeon echoed incredulously. “That long?” 

Sakura then rushed in, gently placing her arm on her master’s shoulder and calmly reassuring Kanzeon.

“I know it must be a lot to take in, but please try not to think about it too much for now!” Sakura smiled. “But I have to ask, how do you know who we are?”

Kanzeon briefly exchanged a smile with Kakashi and Tsunade.

“I’m friends with your teachers, of course. And look at you! A doctor!” 

“You know, you two would have had  _ two senpai  _ instead of only Shizune,” Tsunade recalled wistfully to Ino and Sakura. 

“Two?” Kanzeon echoed with elated surprise. She then grabbed Sakura and Ino’s hands. Kakashi watched the three of them smile at each other as if they had been friends their entire lives. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you two grow up. And Hinata and Tenten as well. How are they?”

“They’re great! You make it sound like we’re old now!” Sakura chuckled lightly. The two younger girls leaned forward. “Hey, are you and Kakashi-sensei really…” Sakura glanced at Kakashi before leaning back to Kanzeon before whispering,  _ “...together?!” _

“You have to tell us everything! We’ll exchange!” Ino chimed in with a bright smile.

Kanzeon looked between the two kunoichi on either side of her before meeting Kakashi’s gaze. He just let out a soft scoff and scratched the back of his head. 

“Now, now, let’s not overwhelm her with questions, right, Sakura?” Kakashi tried to spare Kanzeon from having to spill any details. “She just woke up after all.”

Just outside the door, he heard a male voice ask,  _ “Is this the room? Alright, thanks.” _

He turned around just in time to see a jōnin enter the room.

“Forgive me,  _ Rokudaime _ ,” the jōnin bowed his head. “The Shimo-nin are leaving soon, and they want an update.”

Behind him, he heard Kanzeon gasp and echo in a whisper of disbelief,  _ “Rokudaime?” _

“Where are they?” Kakashi asked, trying his best to keep his arm from going behind his head to casually hide his embarrassment. There were so many things he had to tell her.

“They’re waiting in your office, sir.”

“Right. Give me a moment. I’ll be right there.”

“Yes, sir.”

Kakashi then turned around to see Kanzeon’s face lit up like a midsummer sky. 

_ “Rokudaime?!”  _ Kanzeon squealed before she leaned forward and trapped Kakashi into another hug as she laughed so heartily. Music to his ears. “Congratulations! I can’t believe it! So much must have happened these past seven years if  _ you’re  _ the Hokage!”

Everyone in the room chuckled nervously. That certainly was one way to put it. Kakashi then leaned forward, his hand sliding under Kanzeon’s pillow to grab  _ Letters to the Dead.  _

“Sorry,” Kakashi said as he held out her own book to her. “I didn’t know any better, so I used it. It might help you catch up. Just a little, anyways. I better go. I’ll be back.”

“Okay.” Kanzeon smiled warmly as she took the journal. Kakashi used everything in his power to not laugh when he saw the twinkle in her eyes, the sign of her undeniable urge to kiss him. He only knew because he felt the same way. “Don’t be long!”

“I’ll try not to be,” he responded as he headed for the door. He cast one look back at Kanzeon. 

He took in her beautiful smiling face. The love in her eyes shone, its light surrounding his heavy, cold heart. Here she was, against all odds, against cruel fate. He smiled under his mask.

No more writing  _ Letters to the Dead  _ who would never read them, scribbling his miseries and lamentations against this unseen force that singled him out for his entire life. He was taking back the pen and rewriting the story —  _ his  _ story. She was back, and anything was possible now. Despite this new, uplifting hope, the shadows clawed at his ankles. He still loved her just as much as he did before, and she hadn’t changed. How could she have? But it had been seven years. Seven, incredibly long years. Surely, he must have changed. No longer the Kakashi of the Sharingan or the Copy Ninja that she grew up with. Now, Kakashi the Sixth Hokage and veteran of two Shinobi World Wars. Would she still love him when she learned about who he had become?

It had been so long, he couldn’t tell what this feeling in his heart and mind was: knowing that the answer was yes, or just pitifully hoping for the answer to be yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this chapter's song/title ("Deliberately") is the closing/ending song for the same drama that the opening song/this story's title ("Person By The Bedside") is from! The circle is complete! But don't worry, the story isn't over just yet! ;)


	18. Reconnection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again presenting another song. though the lyrics are relevant, this time it's in English, so no worries about translations! Rescue by James Bay: https://youtu.be/dhW2PoeIhA0

Now that Kanzeon had awoken, Shizune practically forced Kakashi to work in the office during the day. He completely understood. He figured the past three days were extremely stressful on her, and since Kanzeon was okay (although Sakura did tell him that they had to run blood tests to make sure everything internally was alright), Kakashi could rest a little more easily. However, the question still hung in the air: what happened that fateful night seven years ago? 

Tsunade told Kakashi that she would talk to Kanzeon herself, but she also told him to make sure he asked as well. Tsunade said she was only asking for personal reasons, but Kakashi had to ask to finally close the case as the Hokage. So he had an excuse to leave his office and visit her. 

Naturally, Shizune wasn’t happy about this since Kakashi finally managed to come back to the office. She insisted on going herself, but Kakashi said he would go to the hospital right after lunch. He was quite excited. He also wondered if he should bring Kanzeon food since she kept insisting that she was okay, that being under  _ Seisaikara  _ was like going to sleep, but he figured against it. Until she was discharged from the hospital, Kakashi would play things safe. 

After lunch, Kakashi made one last stop by the office to inform Shizune that he was heading out for the hospital, but Shizune wasn’t around. 

_ ‘Huh…she’s probably still at lunch,’  _ he figured.  _ ‘Well, at least I told her where I’ll be.’ _

Even though he was at the hospital that morning (he still had yet to sleep in his own bed), he was still eager to see Kanzeon again. He wondered what she was doing to do now that she was back. She had to start over. Most of her personal belongings were gone, and her financial assets went to Kakashi (not like he needed the money anyway. And even if he did somehow find himself going broke, he made a promise to himself to not spend her money unless he lost everything and was starving). 

His mind drifted into fond memories of homemade food by Kanzeon and Monju. Even though his appetite was sated, his mouth still watered at the thought of Kanzeon’s home cooking. 

As he entered the hospital and navigated its familiar halls (and every person — patient, staff, and visitor — bowing to him, which he constantly had to dismiss), he began to pick up a distant conversation. A woman’s voice. A moderate pitch — not the familiar warm, richness of Kanzeon’s low voice, for sure. Stern, Kakashi detected as he drew closer to his destination. He still couldn’t make out distinct words, though. The voice stopped as Kakashi neared Kanzeon’s room, and right as he was about to open the doors, none other than Shizune appeared. She had an uncharacteristic frown on her face that quickly lightened when she saw Kakashi.

“Oh, Lord Kakashi! You’re here already!” she exclaimed, slightly bowing her head.

Kakashi then peeked behind her to Kanzeon in his peripheral vision. She wore her glasses again. She was sitting up in bed,  _ Letters to the Dead  _ in her lap. Something about the expression on her face made Kakashi’s heart break. A silent, restrained anguish. She quickly looked down to her old journal once their eyes met. 

“Yeah, I just finished lunch,” Kakashi responded to Shizune. “I didn’t think you’d be here. Come to catch up with an old friend?”

“Oh, Kanzeon and I weren’t  _ really  _ friends,” Shizune dismissed with a nervous chuckle. “Lady Tsunade once told me that if she and I never left the village, Kanzeon would have been my junior. I just thought it was time to have a one-on-one chat finally!”

“That’s good,” Kakashi commented half-heartedly while thinking,  _ ‘Some chat if Kanzeon looks so down. Shizune probably caught her up.’ _

“Well, I better head back to the office!” Shizune declared, stepping past Kakashi. “Oh, by the way, will you be returning to the office today?”

“Yes,” Kakashi confirmed. “This will be a short visit for now.”

“Understood. I’ll see you there, then!”

“Yeah, see ya.”

With that, Shizune bowed at the waist as Kakashi stepped inside Kanzeon’s room, sliding the door shut behind him. He saw a soft smile stretch across her lips.

“Hey,” Kakashi greeted gently. 

“Hey,” she returned softly. Almost sadly.

“How are you feeling?” Kakashi asked as he took a seat. 

“Fine,” she replied. That was a lie, but Kakashi figured it wasn’t best to press it. Something was wrong. Just this morning, she was as bright and lively and warm as ever. Of course, Tsunade, Ino, and Sakura were in the room, so Kakashi didn’t even get the chance to kiss her. He longed for that moment, their first kiss in literal years.

She then picked up the book in her lap.

“You figured out the forty-nine letters,” Kanzeon mentioned. Her tone noticeably lifted. That was good. He decided to let her lead the conversation. Whatever she wanted to talk about, he would be glad to listen and follow along.

“Yeah, I did,” Kakashi said as he looked at the page she was on.

A picture from Naruto and Hinata’s wedding, specifically of the Konoha 11 (with Tenten and Lee holding a picture of Neji). 

“It truly looked like a perfect wedding,” Kanzeon said, smiling sadly. “I just wish I was there to see it. Hinata looks beautiful.  _ Everyone  _ looks beautiful. And happy. Even after everything that’s happened.”

A silence fell between them. Kakashi kept his eyes on her face, still bowed down and staring at the pages.

“Did you really die?” she asked weakly. 

“Yeah, I suppose I did.” He scratched the back of his head. “It was during Pain’s assault. He had me pinned between slabs of concrete, and I gave all my strength to make sure Lady Tsunade knew about one of his abilities. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but Naruto found who Pain really was: another one of Jiraiya’s former students named Nagato, who possessed the Rinnegan. Naruto changed Nagato’s heart, and Nagato used one of his abilities to bring everyone that he had killed back to life. I’m fine now, I swear.”

“And Asuma…” Kanzeon bit her bottom lip.

Kakashi didn’t respond to that. She didn’t even ask about the war or Obito. Kakashi knew he wrote about Obito in that book. She probably didn't even know where to start when it came to the war, Madara, and Obito.

“So much has happened,” Kanzeon finally spoke up. Just like old times, it didn’t take long for Kanzeon to divulge her feelings. “So much has changed, but it feels like it all happened overnight to me.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Kakashi reassured, gently grabbing her upper arm. “Even if things have changed, there’s still people here who remember you and will help you.”

“It’s just a lot to take in all at once.” Kanzeon sighed, closing her eyes. The hand of her other arm gently landed atop Kakashi’s hand. 

He felt the subtle gesture. Her hand over his, only to lift it, pry it off from her. His chest began to twist. 

“I’m here for you, you know,” Kakashi said. “And Lady Tsunade, Ino, Sakura, Shizune. Once I tell Guy and Kurenai, they’ll be happy to see you again, too. We’re all here for you. It’s like what you always told me, right?”

Kanzeon looked up at him for the first time since the start of this visit. Her eyes were big and glimmered dimly. Kakashi could gaze into it all day. 

“What happened that night, Kanzeon?” Kakashi finally asked. “Why did you put yourself in  _ Seisaikara? _ ”

“Ino is writing a report to Shizune about it,” Kanzeon replied. “It’ll probably be more specific than from what I can consciously remember.”

“But I want to hear it from  _ you, _ ” Kakashi countered. “This isn’t for any report, I promise.”

Kanzeon turned her head towards the window, gazing far, far away. As if she was mentally projecting herself back to that day, that place. Kakashi simply watched her, recalling that stormy night himself. 

“On our way, I saw a young deer with a broken leg. The client Miru and his guards were already setting up camp in a clearing, and we were all arguing whether to heal the fawn or put it out of its misery to cook it for dinner. Eventually, we agreed that I would heal it while they went ahead to the campsite. But I felt something was off. By the time I got back, everyone was already dead, and Miru was nowhere to be found. I remember checking every body. And then I sensed that someone was there. I figured they had to have been following us from Konoha. Whoever it was, they were probably waiting to finish me off so they could get away with it.

“I thought about running, but I knew it was too far. And whoever this was clearly at the strength and agility to catch up. I had to fight, but I realized really quickly that I was outmatched. I chose to save my strength and put enough space between me and this person so I could use  _ Seisaikara  _ on myself before he could attack again. I knew that when I was found by some scouting team or just  _ anyone  _ and brought back to Konoha, you’d be the one to use  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu. _ You were my only hope.”

Kanzeon reached a stopping point in her story, her recollection of that fateful night. 

_ ‘She knew. She trusted me with her life. She was waiting for me, all this time,’  _ Kakashi thought bitterly.  _ ‘Why am I upset? Why do I feel awful?’ _

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out.

“Sorry?” Kanzeon echoed, a laugh coating her words. “What are you apologizing for? You  _ saved  _ me, just like I knew you would!”

“But I was too late!” Kakashi hung his head low. “I was too late, and it cost you seven years.”

She grabbed his forearm. A comforting warmth in the sterile coldness around them.

“It was  _ my  _ decision to put myself under,” Kanzeon said. “Besides, I can get used to things. I can listen and read the stories of what I’ve missed out on. And  _ Seisaikara  _ slows down the body’s processes after a while, so it’s not like I wasted away in there. Like I said, it feels like I just woke up from a good night’s rest.”

“It cost  _ me  _ seven years,” Kakashi reiterated. “Everyday, I blamed myself. I thought you were dead. I — ” Oh, God, he was saying it again after so long. “ — I  _ loved  _ you, and it was my fault you were gone. I promised Monju as he died that I’d take care of you, and I failed. You and him. Two of the most important people during my darkest days, and you were both gone because I was too late. I know it doesn’t feel like time has passed for you, but that doesn’t change the fact that seven years have gone by, and I’ve been missing a part of me.”

A massive hole in his heart. Almost reminded him of Obito in their fight. All this time, he believed his heart to be made of stone, sinking into the depths. But over the past years since the end of the war, he discovered it was actually made of wood. The hole carved in his heart from the years of pain and loss were not permanent, not set in stone. Instead, with time, his heart gradually grew around it, even filling it in partway, like a tree growing around the obstacles in its path. 

But now that Kanzeon was back, could she fit back into the hole she left behind now that it had healed slightly? Did she  _ want  _ to fill in the gap? He desperately wanted her to. But would she still love him now that seven years had gone by and he was a changed man while she stayed the same?

Kanzeon squeezed his arm, causing him to look up and into her kind gaze and soft smile.

“Well, I’m back now, aren’t I?” she asked rhetorically. “In fact,  _ I  _ should be the one who feels guilty. I missed out on  _ everything.  _ I know I’ve said it before, but so much has happened. Everyone’s changed. I mean,  _ you’re _ the Hokage now! But I’m still so far behind.”

“Just because I’m the Hokage doesn’t mean I’m a completely different person. You know I never wanted to be Hokage, and you know why I accepted becoming one. I’m still me. The same me, seven years ago, just a little more wiser and without my Sharingan.”

“But you’re definitely busier. I don’t want to distract you.” Kanzeon then let go of his arm and looked down into her lap.

“You never distract me. Even if I’m too busy, I’ll make time for you,” Kakashi declared.

“No!” Kanzeon gasped sharply, startling Kakashi. “You have to take care of yourself! Besides, surely you have other things — other  _ people  _ — to make time for…”

As Kanzeon bent her knees up, wrapped her arms around them, and rested the side of her face against the tops of her knees, it hit Kakashi. Why she was pushing him away, why she was trying to convince him to push her away. Why Shizune was visiting Kanzeon before him. 

Kakashi leaned forward and grabbed Kanzeon’s hand, squeezing it gently. 

“Kanzeon, what did Shizune say to you?” he asked softly.

“Nothing,” she replied, still facing the window.

“It wasn’t nothing. I heard her voice on the way here. She was yelling at you, and it hurt you. I won’t get mad at you or her, but I won’t stand for this.”

“It wasn’t much, really. All she said was that things aren’t the same between me and you anymore, that I need to let you focus on being Hokage if I cared about you and the village.”

Kakashi had no words. He didn’t expect this type of behavior from Shizune, of all people. He wasn’t mad, just stunned. She must have figured out that the person Kakashi loved was Kanzeon. Kakashi thought their conversation confirmed their relationship status and that there were no hard feelings. He supposed Shizune lied, and he couldn’t blame her for it. After all, he was prepared for her to hate him. He guessed that she couldn’t due to her own feelings or at least her duty as Hokage assistant, and Kanzeon’s return was the perfect scapegoat. But he’d rather have Shizune hate him than hate Kanzeon. 

“Kanzeon, I want you to know that even after all these years, I still love you,” Kakashi said. “There’s been no one else.”

“What about that Ice Style woman you wrote about?”

“I haven’t spoken to her since I first became Hokage, officially.”

“What about that spy girl you not-kissed?”

“Oh, God, you’re never going to let that go, are you?” Kakashi let his head hang between his shoulders for a moment, causing Kanzeon to chuckle softly.

“What about Shizune?”

“That’s...a little more complicated. Do you want the short answer or the long answer?”

“I  _ want  _ the long answer, but you have work, don’t you?”

“Long answer, it is,” Kakashi said. “See, back when I was first settling in as Hokage, Shizune chose to remain Hokage assistant instead of sticking with Lady Tsunade. I guess you could say we became work spouses. We were always working together, often late at night, and a lot of times, things led to another…”

“No!” Kanzeon’s head shot up and gasped. Her eyes widened and her mouth, though jaw dropping, stretched back into a smile. “No way! Don’t tell me you two…!”

“I mean...we never really became anything else. Just...friends with benefits, I guess.”

“No, no, I get that!” Kanzeon dismissed, eagerly swatting her hand around as if a pesky fly was in the room. “You said you were working together late at night. Does that mean you two did it  _ in the office?!” _

“Well…” Kakashi scratched the back of his head. “Where else would we go? It was always in the heat of the moment, when we were so brain-dead and exhausted anyway.”

“Clearly not enough to have sex in the  _ Hokage office  _ of all places!” Kanzeon cackled. A sign that she was truly laughing. “God, I can never go in there again without this tainted knowledge!”

“How about we replace that knowledge with some new memories?” Kakashi suggested in a purr, causing Kanzeon to immediately shut up and blush.

“Oh, please,” Kanzeon said. “No way I’m helping you with Hokage work. But you can’t be serious. You’re seriously still single, after all this time?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Kakashi admitted. “I didn’t necessarily  _ wait  _ for you these past seven years. I’ve tried moving on and saw other women, it’s just...I don’t know. Didn’t I write it down in that journal? I just wasn’t emotionally ready for a new committed relationship. How is that surprising?”

“Well, it’s surprising that a woman hasn’t already thrown herself at your feet by now,” Kanzeon chortled. “But I suppose you’re right. Hard to love after you’ve fought two wars and lost a lot of people you knew and cared about.”

“Yes, but I meant what I said. Kanzeon, I love you. I really do. I just hope that I’m still the man you fell in love with seven years ago, despite everything that’s happened.”

Kanzeon’s face became unreadable. Her eyes grew large but not wide as if she were shocked. Her smile faded from her lips, but she didn’t frown. It was a look of pure innocence, sheer curiosity. Their eyes locked for a moment as she gazed up and down his face.

“What would you have done,” Kanzeon began breathily, “if you weren’t able to use  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu?  _ You must have been scared, right? Since you lost your Sharingan.”

Kakashi then brought his hands to her face, his thumbs against her cheeks and his fingers behind her ear, forcing her eyes to look at him. He leaned in close, their noses inches apart.

“If losing the  _ Sharingan  _ meant losing the ability to use  _ Tokihogusu Kara no Jutsu,  _ then I would’ve done everything I could to track down any living person from your clan. I would have traveled around the world, searched every nook and cranny, and back again to find them, bring them to Konoha, and wake you up, even if it took years. Even if I died looking,” Kakashi declared. 

Kanzeon’s eyes widened, almost sadly, but Kakashi wouldn’t have that. This was supposed to be a joyous time. One of the brightest lights in his life shone on him once more. He inched forward and closed the gap between them. 

Her lips were as soft and warm as ever. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned back, forcing him to lean forward on top of her in order to prevent the kiss from breaking. 

_ ‘Just as before,’  _ Kakashi thought fondly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shameless plug: I have an art account on instagram! I'm working on a more original story, but I couldn't resist using Kakashi as a model/inspiration for one of the characters (fittingly named Inazuma, "lightning". Also, imagine a Kakashi with long hair like his father!) plz show me a little support or any feedback there :') @frostmoongoddess  
> midterms & pumpkin grades are really kicking my ass rn, so please forgive me if the next update takes a while! in the meantime, if you haven't, feel free to check out an animatic I made! I put a link in some earlier chapter, but if you search "kakashi lawyer dad" on youtube, it'll be there. lmk what you think (about this, about the art, about the vid, anything) !!! <3


	19. Blooming Balloon Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter, Grace by Lewis Capaldi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUhbICZRoWQ&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=18

“From the looks of it, I think you’re ready to be discharged, Kanzeon-senpai!” Sakura announced gleefully. 

“Finally!” Kanzeon sighed with relief. 

“You should take it easy, Kanzeon,” Tsunade advised. “Kakashi, don’t you dare assign her to any missions just yet.”

“Of course not, Lady Tsunade,” Kakashi obliged. 

“Actually, is it okay if you work as a doctor here, Kanzeon-senpai?” Sakura asked. “Officially? Master told me about how you always tried to get off missions by working in the hospital!”

“Well, if Lord Hokage approves!” Kanzeon looked to Kakashi with a smile. 

“I’ll think about it,” Kakashi replied simply. 

“How about a future girls’ night?” Ino asked eagerly. “Or a big couple’s night? I bet everyone will be surprised!”

“Maybe!” Kanzeon accepted sheepishly. 

“Oi, don’t forget!” Tsunade put her hands on her hips towards her two disciples. “Kakashi and Kanzeon kept their relationship a secret up until now. Let  _ them  _ be the ones to reveal it.”

“Yes, master,” the two younger women said with a slight hanging of their heads. 

Kanzeon reached forward to grab each of their hands.

“Don’t look so blue. If Kakashi and I are revealing it, we’ll be sure to have you two there,” she promised. Ino and Sakura immediately burst into eager squeals and giggles that almost made Kakashi’s eardrums pop. Tsunade just chuckled heartily.

“It’s almost like they’re teenagers again,” Tsunade chuckled warmly and wistfully. “They really like Kanzeon. I didn’t expect her to grow on them so quickly.”

“They want to catch up on what they missed,” Kakashi added. “And I bet they want her to spill secrets about me.”

“I bet she’s got a lot of those,” Tsunade commented dryly. She then folded her arms over her chest. “Before you officially transfer her from kunoichi to doctor, I’d like to train her.”

“Train her?” Kakashi echoed, turning his head and looking as Tsunade in curious confusion. “You don’t mean — ”

“I do,” Tsunade responded brusquely. “I had two chances to teach her, and I lost them. This is a sign. You, of all people, should know that if anybody could do it, it would be a fully trained Gūzō. Monju had the potential, as well.”

“Why didn’t you train them before?” Kakashi asked.

Tsunade let out a long sigh before responding.

“Simply put, I threw away my chances to teach both Monju and Kanzeon after I left the village,” she confessed. “But Seishi had it. At the center of his chest. He was the one who advised me on Strength of a Hundred before I left. I heard he released the seal to use  _ Seisaikabe  _ during the third war. _. _ ”

Something inside Kakashi clicked. The entry Kanzeon wrote long ago, the mysterious dream. 

“Why didn’t he teach Monju and Kanzeon himself?” Kakashi asked.

“That’s one secret we’ll never know. I have a feeling he taught Monju since he was older but died before he could teach Kanzeon. Of course, whether Monju had it or not, I wouldn’t know either,” Tsunade admitted. “Even if he could, I doubt he was able to teach Kanzeon himself. But I’ve been given another chance. I won’t make the same mistake.”

“Understood,” Kakashi said. He related to Tsunade on this matter more than words could describe. “But you’re going to have to tell Sakura when Kanzeon will be able to work, not me.”

“Very well.” Tsunade sighed. “I hope you’ll continue to treat her well, Kakashi. And I hope she makes you happy. You both need it.”

“Thank you, Lady Tsunade.”

“Well, Kakashi-sensei! I think Kanzeon-senpai is ready to go home!” Sakura beamed, jumping into the conversation. 

“Home?” Kakashi echoed softly before snapping himself out of it. “Right. I’ll trust your judgement, Sakura.”

His former student then leaned closer towards him and purred cheekily,  _ “You know, I think you should go with her. Just in case.”  _ She then pulled back in a giggle.

“...and you’ll stop by the flower shop, right?” Ino asked as she helped Kanzeon up.

“Of course,” Kanzeon agreed. “I know I sound old, but I can walk, Ino. Thank you.”

“Oh, right! Sorry, Kanzeon-senpai.” Ino chuckled sheepishly. 

“Alright, c’mon, now.” Tsunade folded her arms over her chest. “We should let Kakashi handle this. We don’t want to keep Kanzeon her all day, do we?”

Kakashi stuck around as Kanzeon embraced Ino, Sakura, and Tsunade and promised to visit them again. With that, Kakashi and Kanzeon walked into the streets of Konoha. Kakashi hoped Shizune didn’t mind him not showing up today. He had plans to show Kanzeon around, especially old friends. He’d start with Kurenai and Mirai. 

Out in the late morning, the village was going about its day as ever. With Kanzeon at his side, he resisted every urge to grab her hand or hook his elbow with hers, and he knew she was doing the same.

“Everyone’s staring,” Kanzeon muttered, bowing her head. 

Kakashi glanced around. The usual brief glances and momentary bows of the head of the passing citizens were things he learned to ignore. He was Hokage after all, and he always insisted everyone go about their day if he saw them. Unfortunately, he couldn’t erase this sudden invisible cloak of prestige placed upon when he took office. Coupled with the rumors of the return of a shinobi long gone, it was no wonder citizens gawked. 

But he couldn’t blame her. For years, they hid their relationship. And now, they were thrown into positions where the spotlight shone blindingly on them. 

“Let them,” Kakashi said. “We can really give them something to look at, if you want.”

Kanzeon pouted slightly as her face grew red. 

“Maybe not yet,” she mewed. “So where are we heading?”

“To Kurenai’s,” Kakashi responded simply. “She’ll be glad to see you again. Besides, I think you’d like to meet her kid.”

“Oh, that’s right…” Kanzeon added sadly. “It’s Asuma’s, right?”

“Yeah.” Kakashi stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“She is so strong,” Kanzeon commented, but Kakashi could hear her heart breaking.

Approaching their destination, Kakashi watched as Kanzeon constantly gazed around, absorbing the fresh sights. He couldn’t help but smile at her pure, awestruck curiosity. At last, Kakashi reached Kurenai’s door and knocked three times with the first joint of his index and middle fingers.

“Oh, Kakashi!” Kurenai greeted warmly as she pulled open the door. Kakashi noticed her gaze move onto Kanzeon, and she gasped sharply. “No…!”

Kurenai ran towards Kanzeon so fast, Kakashi hardly had enough time to lean out of the way. The two women embraced each other tightly.

“So the rumors were true!” Kurenai exclaimed. “You’re alive!”

“It’s nice to see you again, Kurenai!” Kanzeon said with a bright smile and light chuckle. 

“I won’t forgive you for leaving me alone with just the guys for so long!” Kurenai huffed playfully, pulling away from the embrace.

“Well, I’ll be more than happy to make it up to you,” Kanzeon went along. Her eyes fell to the doorway, and Kakashi followed her gaze.

Little Mirai stood just behind the open door frame, gazing up curiously at Kanzeon. Her short black hair had a little pigtail at the front of her head.

“Why, hello! You must be Mirai!” Kanzeon said, stepping forward and leaning down towards the young child. 

“Mirai, this is your aunt, Kanzeon!” Kurenai stepped in. “She is a very good friend of mine and your dad’s! Say hello!”

“Hi, Aunt Kanzeon!”

The young Mirai then threw herself into Kanzeon’s arms. Kakashi and Kurenai had a little laugh; she must have seen Kurenai’s reaction to seeing Kanzeon. 

“Please, come inside,” Kurenai said as Kanzeon stood up straight with Mirai in her arms. 

Once Kanzeon and Mirai were inside, Kurenai asked Kakashi, “So, I take it that you and Kanzeon really were like me and Asuma?”

“Guess there’s no point in hiding it anymore,” Kakashi sighed. “At least we kept it better than you.”

“Oh, please!” Kurenai laughed, hitting Kakashi on the shoulder. Once she calmed down, she added teasingly, “You know, I think she’d make a great mother.”

Kakashi froze. 

_ ‘Thank fuck for the mask, yet again…’ _

That riled another hearty laugh from Kurenai. She probably was so pleased with herself, able to get such a reaction from him. Whatever. He clicked his tongue out of a light-hearted irritation and stepped inside.

* * *

_ “Kanzeon!”  _

Guy’s shout was enough to make Kakashi cover his ears.

“Whoa!” Kanzeon yelled as Guy jumped from his wheelchair at Kanzeon. 

Kakashi had to admit, it did warm his heart to see everyone greet her so warmly.

“I can’t believe it! Look at you! Seven years, and you haven’t aged a bit! Your jutsu really is something!”

“I could say the same thing to you, other than, of course, the obvious…” Kanzeon gestured towards Guy’s leg. “But clearly, you’re not letting it stop you!”

“As if I would ever!” Guy exclaimed jovially. “Say, I bet I can come up with way more meditation trainings now! In fact, I just thought of one! How about this:  _ flamingo  _ meditation where you meditate on one foot, eh?”

Kanzeon burst into laughter as Guy attempted to stabilize himself on one foot. She then grabbed his arm and allowed him to lean on her for support. 

“Alright, alright, new meditation noted,” she said with a bright smile. “Just be extra careful, okay? It’s  _ meditation  _ after all.”

“Just because it’s meditation doesn’t mean I won’t make it a challenge!” Guy declared.

Kakashi couldn’t help but smile as he trailed behind them as Kanzeon led Guy back to bed.

* * *

Kanzeon placed a white lily atop Asuma’s grave, holding her hands together in a prayer of respect. The last grave they would visit today out of all of them. The sun was already setting (visiting Guy took up most of their time since he insisted on telling Kanzeon everything she had missed from his point of view as well as demanding Kanzeon to tell him what happened the night she disappeared), and the two began the slow stroll out of the cemetery.

“So, I guess I have to ask,” Kanzeon began quietly. “Where do I go now?”

“Go? What do you mean?” Kakashi turned his head to face her. 

“Well, considering that the entire village was destroyed and rebuilt, I don’t really have anywhere to go — ”

“You’re coming home with me,” Kakashi answered abruptly. 

“Wait, really?” 

Kakashi couldn’t help but notice the eager prick in her voice.

“Of course. I knew you’d need a place to stay. So you can stay with me for a while.”

Her warmth suddenly enveloped his body, her soft hair against his chin.

“Thank you,” she said into his chest.

“No need to thank me,” he gently rebuffed.

“You’ve done so much for me. How can I even begin to repay you?”

“No need to repay me. I do it because I want you. Because I love you. Now c’mon. You need a shower. Your hair’s a little greasy.”

“A little?” Kanzeon moved her hand over her head and began to pat the top of it. “Well, I guess that’s what happens when you’re stuck in suspended animation for seven years and then stay in a hospital for five days. But I don’t even have any clothes. I bet most of the looks we got were from me wearing the outdated uniform.”

“I have a clean shirt you can wear,” Kakashi offered. “As for pants, you won’t need them until tomorrow.”

Kanzeon blushed and hid her face in his chest again, causing him to chuckle softly. He was looking forward to spending another night with her after so long. Together, holding her in his arms, no longer needing to dream since she was here with him once more.


	20. The Sixth Hokage's Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final song(s) of the chapter, Falling Like The Stars and Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur! The link is to Falling Like The Stars, but the playlist has Say You Won't Let Go right after! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ7N7xRsRPo&list=PLSfGXu_9ImwbcFCVPRtpKueOfw_nmd8xO&index=19&ab_channel=JamesAVEVO

Inside Yakiniku Q, Kakashi and Kanzeon had invited his full Team 7 along with their spouses and Guy. It was a fortunate time; a whole year after Kanzeon had returned to Konoha, Sasuke had also returned to take care of his and Sakura’s infant daughter, Sarada. To get the parents out, Kakashi already had a discussion with Tsunade, who was elated at the news, and asked her to babysit the young children to let the parents out for one night. 

Around the table sat Naruto and Hinata, Sasuke and Sakura, Guy and Yamato at opposite short ends of the table, Ino and Sai, and Kakashi and Kanzeon. By now, Kanzeon had been properly introduced to everyone around the table, except Sasuke (Kakashi figured Sakura filled him in already since he didn’t ask anything). 

“Say, Kakashi-sensei, Miss Kanzeon, why’d you bring us here?” Naruto asked. 

Kakashi looked at Kanzeon, who looked at him. Her eager smile was enough to make him melt. Hinata and Sakura, sitting beside each other from across Kakashi and Kanzeon, both gasped, covered their mouths, and looked at each other. 

“Well, I didn’t think we’d start it off so soon, but…” Kakashi began. 

Kanzeon then continued abruptly with a big smile, “We’re getting married!”

The entire table exploded into cheers. Naruto and Hinata held each other’s hands as their faces lit up with awestruck gasps. Ino turned to Sai and said with a mischievous grin, “See?! I told you it was going to be a wedding!”

“Pregnancy follows anyway,” Sai retorted playfully. “I was just thinking ahead!”

“Congratulations, Kakashi!” Guy shouted, quickly echoed by everyone else. 

“We’re honored to be the first people you told!” Yamato added.

_ ‘Well, not exactly the first, but definitely among the first…’  _ Kakashi thought cheekily. 

“Have you settled on a date?” Hinata asked. 

“We’re still working out the details,” Kanzeon replied. “But it should be within a few months!”

“We can help with the flower arrangements!” Ino volunteered.

“We wouldn’t have it any other way, Ino!”

“I can’t believe our Kakashi-sensei is finally getting married! Way after all of us, too!” Naruto laughed.

“Don’t be rude, Naruto!” Sakura snapped. “This is a  _ happy  _ occasion!”

“I am happy!” Naruto defied.

“He’s not wrong,” Sasuke added. “Sorry, Kanzeon, but I never saw Kakashi with anyone when we were still kids, so this is a big surprise for me.”

“Of course it’s a surprise for  _ you, _ ” Sakura snapped but more lightheartedly. 

“Now, now,” Kakashi said, trying to quiet the table down. “The whole restaurant probably heard us yelling, but please try to keep this a secret. We’re working on invitations now.”

“We’ll be looking forward to it,” said Sai, holding up his glass. Ino quickly caught on and held up hers. Everyone followed suit. 

_ “Kanpai!”  _ The sound of glasses clinking together filled the air before everyone took a sip of their drinks.

* * *

“I imagine the whole world is probably frustrated, traveling to Konoha so many times.” Tsunade chuckled as she placed the hood-like white  _ wataboshi  _ over Kanzeon’s head. 

Tsunade even helped style Kanzeon’s hair underneath the hood, saying that her long hair really added to versatility. The  _ wataboshi  _ had an elongated edge, shielding Kanzeon’s face down to the tip of her nose. 

“They only have themselves to be frustrated at,” Kanzeon responded. “After all, they could have chosen to simply send a gift.”

“Yes, but who wants to miss the wedding of a sitting Kage?” Tsunade asked rhetorically. “This is much more difficult than Naruto and Hinata’s wedding.”

“Master! Kanzeon-senpai!” Sakura popped into the room. “Whenever you’re ready! I’ve received word that most of the guests for the public ceremony are here!”

“Ready?” Tsunade asked, holding out her hand. Kanzeon gratefully took it. 

As the two women stood up, Kurenai holding Mirai’s hand, Ino, Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten stepped inside the room as well, marveling at the beautiful white kimono. 

“Lady Tsunade, please let us see Kanzeon without the  _ wataboshi! _ ” Tenten beamed. “This will be our only chance before we head to the cemetery!”

“Kanzeon?” Tsunade looked over her shoulder.

“As long as my hair doesn’t get messed up,” Kanzeon replied with a warm smile.

“You have your mother’s hair. It won’t budge,” Tsunade reassured as she temporarily lifted the hooded veil.

The young kunoichi all gasped and squealed in awe.

“Wow, you look so beautiful, Kanzeon-senpai!” Sakura exclaimed.

“Like a princess!” Hinata added.

“Not  _ just  _ a princess!” Tenten interjected. “A  _ goddess!” _

“An angel,” Ino said as she gave Kanzeon the wedding bouquet of pale pink lotus flowers.

“Alright, alright!” Tsunade laughed as she placed the  _ wataboshi  _ back on, tugging down the edges to make sure Kanzeon’s face would not be completely revealed. “Let’s not keep everyone waiting!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

With that, everyone formed a line behind Kanzeon as Tsunade stood beside her to help her walk. Before long, Kanzeon found herself staring at a black kimono and  _ haori  _ decorated with the crosshatched rhombus of the Hatake Clan, a white  _ himo  _ pom tie, and striped  _ hakama  _ pants. She tilted her head up and found herself staring into the face of her groom, shielded by both his mask and his Hokage hat. And his widened eyes and tenderly lifted brows betrayed his awe. Kanzeon couldn’t help smile, the red lipstick on her lips only accentuating the gesture. 

Kakashi held out his arm, and Kanzeon took it. Yamato walked directly behind the couple, holding a large red parasol. Everyone else fell into single-file lines behind the bride and groom. Thus began the trek to the cemetery. 

Their first stop was the grave labelled,  _ “Hatake Sakumo.”  _ Kakashi took a lotus flower from Kanzeon’s bouquet and laid it over the grave. 

“Father, I’d like you to meet my future wife, Kanzeon,” Kakashi said. “She’s Seishi’s daughter, if you remember. She’s strong and kind. She has helped me so much with everything. I hope you approve of her and bless us.”

With that, Kakashi and Kanzeon then bowed deeply at the waist before the grave before Kakashi led the procession to his mother’s grave.

“Mother,” Kakashi began as he placed a lotus flower atop the marker. “This is my wife, Kanzeon. I didn’t get to know you, but when I spoke with Father, it was clear he still loved you. I hope you and him were able to meet again, and I hope you will bless us with a love as strong as you and Father’s.”

Another deep bow. The couple then made their way to the Memorial Stone. Kanzeon then placed a handful of flowers before it.

“Mom, Dad, Monju,” she began. “This is Kakashi, my husband. Wherever you all are now, I hope you will smile upon us.”

She then reached out and traced her fingers over three names: Natsu Shōsha, Hana Gekkeiju, and Kōkōtaru Tama. 

“You three, as well,” Kanzeon added. She then leaned down and hissed, “This is for saying Kakashi wouldn’t even breathe in my direction, Gekkeiju!”

She then stuck her tongue out. Kakashi couldn’t see it, but he could imagine the playful scowl on her face. He chuckled to himself. As she stood up again, Kakashi added a flower to the bunch she placed, his hand tracing over Obito’s name. He didn’t speak, but he wished both him and Rin a happy, peaceful afterlife. 

They then bowed to the stone before heading towards the Hokage Office where everyone was waiting. The streets were crowded with onlookers trying to catch a glimpse of the Sixth Hokage’s mysterious wife. When a breeze caused the edge of Kanzeon’s  _ wataboshi  _ to flutter, Kakashi saw everyone who was close enough lean forward as if to sneak a glance. He didn’t know if they got what they were looking for.

All his life, he smothered the brightest lights in his life. While most were dead, he would no longer mull over the past and instead seek to continue to make new ones. He was holding his candle to the dimming flame and reigniting it all over again. 

The rooftop of the office had all the esteemed, invited guests. Beneath the gaze of Hokage Rock and before the entire village, Kakashi and Kanzeon exchanged their vows and slid on each other’s rings. Kakashi then slightly lifted the veil to see his bride’s ethereal face, daintily accented with makeup. She looked up to meet his gaze. Smiling together, they leaned forward and kissed. The roar from all around them and below was deafening.

* * *

The couple moved into a  [ full-fledged house ](https://www.dezeen.com/2017/07/22/houston-contractor-builds-shou-sugi-ban-house-charred-timber-residence-suyama-peterson-deguchi/#/) , as well as taking in Guy. The house had two floors, with the ground floor being larger. The first floor was in an L-shape with the kitchen and connecting living room to the right of the entrance and foyer and Guy’s room and private bathroom off to the left. The staircase was visible from the foyer, and down the vertical stretch of the L was a home office and the master bedroom with en suite bathroom. The second floor was above the vertical of the L. It included an open space above the foyer and staircase, two bedrooms, and a bathroom.

The house also had a massive low, wrap-around porch with no railings. Guy’s room even had a special ramp built in and its own entrance to accommodate. 

Of course, Kakashi kept his apartment that was closer to his office. Kanzeon occasionally used the place when hospital shifts got too hectic. 

Their first child was a healthy baby girl, Azuki. She inherited Kakashi’s silver hair and the signature Hatake genius. Four years later, they had a son, Moyashi, who had Kanzeon’s black hair with silver bangs. Though his skills did not exponentially grow like Azuki (and to that degree, Kakashi when he was a child), he was able to awaken his own  _ Seisaikara  _ while Azuki struggled with learning the beginning  _ Tokihogusu no Kara Jutsu.  _ Moyashi also inherited Kanzeon’s terrible eyesight since he already needed glasses by the time he entered the Academy. While Moyashi often lost sparring matches between his sister and father, he was adept at healing. 

Guy proudly claimed his role as uncle. When Azuki was a child, she followed Guy around and picked up his taijutsu. Kakashi would come home to see Guy and Azuki walking on their hands. And then one day, he walked in on Azuki balancing on Guy’s good leg and managed to catch his daughter when Guy faltered and tumbled over. Guy constantly showed Moyashi all sorts of meditation and breathing methods, which the young Moyashi absorbed like a sponge while Azuki dozed off. 

Azuki also often visited Tenten, whom she saw as an older sister, and Tenten was always eager to show Azuki all sorts of weapons. Tsunade also often visited. She often joked that she really did feel like a grandmother now that she was taking turns visiting so many families.

At the end of each and every day, Kakashi would lean back in bed with Kanzeon — his  _ wife  _ — and hold her close and kiss her forehead. He had his best friend, his children, and his love. Pictures left in the small journal with a grisly title were now framed and hung up on walls. Kakashi figured that old thing was probably tired of its pages being gutted out, but neither he nor Kanzeon could bear to throw it away. It sat on its own special shelf in the home office, and when Kakashi came home after a long day of work, he’d check in and see whether or not Kanzeon had written anything. Judging by how its position changed every time Kakashi checked it, he knew Kanzeon did as well. 

Kakashi always took that as a good sign. No more hiding in the doomed pages of the tragic book of fate. His loved ones helped him take back the pen and rewrite his ending. He took Kanzeon’s scribbling hand and helped rewrite hers as well. He hoped everyone they had ever loved and lost was watching, smiling with pride. He had done it. With the help of Guy, Kanzeon, his former subordinates of Team 7, and Tsunade, he finally stood up and overcame the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand the end! Kind of. There's an epilogue, but it's more of a segue into a prequel that popped into my head and can't get rid of. If the last two chapters felt kind of hollow and rushed, that's probably why I'M SORRY. Thank you for reading _Person By The Bedside_ , and special thanks to everyone who left such kind words!  
> Keep reading for the epilogue and more info on the prequel ;)


	21. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Once again this epilogue is _optional_! If you enjoyed _Person By The Bedside_ and want more _Naruto_ writings from me, then here it is! A little bit of a teaser of the prequel, _Bloodstained Thread of Fate_ of the _Seisaikara_ duology!

Kakashi passed on the title of Hokage to Naruto. Tsunade took Moyashi under her wing, which earned the envy of Azuki. Tsunade noticed, of course, and also intensely trained her intensely, just without the medical ninjutsu parts. Kakashi and Guy went on all sorts of minor missions together when Guy wasn’t teaching while Kanzeon worked in the hospital. 

The house grew rather empty. Azuki often went on her own missions (much to Kakashi’s disapproval, but he wasn’t home long enough to scold Azuki, and he already voiced several complaints to Naruto about the dangers of graduating too soon), so Kanzeon often came home to a dark and empty house. She often lived in the apartment Kakashi kept since it felt cozier when she was alone. 

And then, one day, Kanzeon received a knock at the door while she was cleaning the house on her day off.

To her surprise, it was Naruto.

“Big sis Kanzeon!” Naruto beamed. “I’ve been meaning to visit you, but I’ve just been so busy, ya know?”

“Don’t worry about it, Naruto. You’re  _ Nanadaime  _ now, so I don’t blame you. Come in! Thanks for stopping by! Kakashi and Guy aren’t home, though.”

“That’s fine! I already spoke with Kakashi-sensei and Bushier Brows-sensei before they went on their quick mission anyways.”

Naruto let himself wander around the kitchen until he finally took a seat at a cushioned bar stool of the kitchen island. Kanzeon prepared them each a glass of cold water and took a seat beside the Seventh Hokage. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” she asked him.

“You know, I just noticed how big you and Kakashi-sensei’s house is. Does it get lonely?” Naruto asked, still gazing around.

“It does, but we’re all doing our part for the village.”

“I see…” Naruto stared down to the glass Kanzeon had placed in front of him. “Say, big sis Kanzeon, you’re from the Gūzō Clan, right?”

“Well, there’s not really a  _ clan  _ anymore, but yes,” she responded. 

“I was wondering about it ever since you came back to the village,” Naruto said. “Even Kurama was interested when he heard your name.”

“Really? Even him?” Kanzeon looked to Naruto incredulously. What could a Tailed Beast know about the Gūzō Clan? “What did he say?”

“All he said was that it sounded familiar. He said he hadn’t heard that name in a long time, but he knew that it was from before he was sealed into a  _ jinchūriki _ for the first time. I started asking Granny Tsunade if she knew anything about your clan, and all she told me was that your dad was from Sunagakure. Kurama said that that wasn’t right, that he knew there was a Gūzō that lived in Konoha from when it was first founded. I decided to do some digging in the old records in the old mansion.”

Naruto then reached into his jacket and pulled out a book. She noticed the cover titled,  _ “CENSUS.” _ He then flipped through the pages and pointed his finger towards a particular spot on the page. Kanzeon leaned over and followed where the bandaged hand aimed.

As plain as day was the name —

“ _ Gūzō Hasuri _ …” she read out loud.

“That’s not the only strange part!” Naruto noticed. “Look at all the names around it! And there! Look at the name above it.”

Naruto lifted his finger and Kanzeon moved her eyes up one line.

Her stomach dropped. Her eyes widened. 

_ “Uchiha Madara.” _

She then scanned the entire page. Surely, it was just a coincidence! A mere fluke that this person’s name happened to be by Uchiha Madara’s name in the first ever census of Konoha! But her eyes didn’t deceive her; all of the surrounding names were  _ “Uchiha.”  _ She even looked to the next page and the page before it. All  _ “Uchiha.”  _

“Did you ask Sasuke about this?” Kanzeon asked, her brows furrowing together. 

“I haven’t gotten the chance since he went back out again,” Naruto sighed. “But Kurama says he has an idea.”

“But I just don’t understand,” Kanzeon continued, the reality sinking in. “My dad always told me that during the Warring States, our clan was broken up because of our  _ kekkei genkai.  _ And even after the Five Great Nations and the villages were formed, our clan still knew no peace. What did Kurama say?”

“I think it’ll be easier if I let him out.”

Naruto then closed his eyes. Atop the table, a small Kurama manifested onto the kitchen island surface and walked up to Kanzeon.

_ “Gūzō Kanzeon…”  _ The little pup Kurama stared deep into Kanzeon’s eyes before jumping into her lap. 

“Mr. Kurama, what do you know about this Gūzō Hasuri?” she asked.

_ “I only knew her name. That night when that Uchiha Madara came for me with his Sharingan. But she wasn’t alive. She was already dead. I read the name off her grave, and that damned Madara used his eyes on me, telling me to never speak that name again!” _

“Sounds like their relationship meant a lot to him…” Naruto put a hand to his chin. “But even when we fought him, he never mentioned anything, ya know. Sasuke knows a whole lot more, though. Maybe you could talk to him about it?”

“Maybe,” Kanzeon sighed, resting her chin in her hand. “I’ll probably talk to Sakura first. Thanks, Naruto.”

“Of course, big sis Kanzeon!” Naruto beamed. “I better head back, but you can keep the book for now! Let’s go, Kurama.”

“Alright!” replied the miniature Tailed Beast.

Kanzeon saw Naruto out the door and waved goodbye until he walked past the front gate and disappeared behind the fence. 

She was alone. Again. 

She turned back inside the house and glanced back to the page of open written census and focused on the two names: one, the epitome of power and the other, lost forever save for her name on this page.

_ “Uchiha Madara” _

_ “Gūzō Hasuri” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Bloodstained Thread of Fate_ is up now! Keep in mind, it's a darker story (or at least, will be) with more mature themes compared to PBTB. And as you can see, I'm doing the thing where I try to wedge my OC's into the canon just a bit, this time with the legendary big daddy Madara. Thanks for reading PBTB and I hope to see you on BToF!


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